At a young age, I became hyper-aware of the way people perceived me and the way people around me interacted with one another.
When I think back to the times I was more talkative/outgoing, I now realize I wasn’t even being myself. I was loud and made lots of jokes because I figured that was an easy way to get people to like me. Or if I could sense someone was annoyed with me, I’d just play the persona up higher; my intentions weren’t even to get further on their nerves, but rather, a defensive mechanism; I conceptualized this by knowing that even if I was being seen as annoying; at least I know it isn’t the “real me” they find annoying, at least I’m self-aware.
Fast forward to now, and I’ve stopped talking altogether. I’m so nervous someone won’t like me, my brain goes blank if I’m being spoken to, and I can’t think of a word to say.
Ironically enough, I have this passion for acting that I decided to pursue a year ago. I’ve been doing plays at school (the process was rough but I pushed through because I enjoy the craft), this semester I’m even taking an improv class in the hopes that I can learn how to get out of my head and stay present when talking to others.
As nervous as I am before I have to get on stage or when it’s my turn to go during improv class; the nerves end as soon as I get into the scene and I’m in a flow state.
I say that to say that now, I question if I even have social anxiety and if the problem is just my inability to connect with others. If so, how do I do this?
I noticed that majority of my life I’ve pushed things aside until I “feel ready” (i.e. I still believe I won’t be able to make genuine relationships until I look like my desired self: weigh less, dress better, and take better care of myself). This ideology is flawed, I know, but I can’t shake it.
I haven’t made any new friendships since the pandemic, I noticed that I’ve had countless opportunities to, but I always end up pushing them away by never reaching out or making plans. I’m so closed off and reserved but I don’t want to be.
I feel so lonely right now and I’m seeking for connection/community but I don’t know what more I can do.
Part of the answer may be to connect with myself first, but I don’t even know how to do that. I feel like I’ve suppressed myself for so long that I forgot who I am.