I’ve (24m) been dating this girl (22f) for a while now and things have gotten pretty serious. We have great communication overall but there is one particular area which I worry about broaching: our sex life. We’ve been communicating more in this aspect, things like getting oral without needing to ask, etc.
But to me, sexual exploration is very, very important. I want to try all kinds of things, and one thing I miss about my previous relationship is how open that girl was to experimentation. To my current girlfriend, a blowjob is already a bit of a big deal. And I want to try some more intense stuff all around. We’ve made some small approaches but she says that certain things I want bring unpleasant memories.
I want to tell her that I’m looking for more experimentation. Some more intense stuff. Nothing crazy, mind you, it’s all vanilla stuff (at least according to what most girls I know have told me). Things like using toys with her, butt stuff, different places to finish, her telling me about fantasies, etc.
I don’t want to make her uncomfortable or push her into things she’s not ready for. But I can’t figure out a way of telling her this that doesn’t come across as me pushing her into too much too fast. Any tips will be appreciated.
1 comment
I think ALL people, before getting serious with someone, should have a frank conversation about sex in general… Approach it with curiosity, because it’s not about asking her to do any particular thing, it’s just about getting to know her viewpoint: What does an ideal sex life in a LTR look like for you? Frequency? Style? Experimentation yes or no? Also a good time to put any hard limits on the table (eg. “I know I never want to be pegged” or “I know I never will be interested in group sex or non-monogamy.”)
It’s also a time to bring up any big needs or kinks, or goal fantasies you know you’d feel unfulfilled not exploring (obviously with a caveat, like “Once we get more comfortable, I really want to explore sploshing with you. Would that be within limits?”)
The conversation is not about “will you want to do this NOW,” it’s not even about “what do you want to do specifically with ME,” but about your partner interests and limits in general, so that takes out any perception of pressure. It’s just putting it all on the table.
If you find any incompatibilies in your “ideals” that you know you won’t be happy without, you can make tough decisions on whether to continue– but, better to know sooner rather than later. You really can’t hope for anything further beyond a person’s “ideal,” or hope for anything that’s on the “hard limits” list, because that’s when pressure and boundary pushing would come into play.