Am I (28F) a jerk for not wanting to go to dinner tonight with bf (30M) parents?

35 comments

1. No, you’re not the jerk. Your boundaries are valid.

2. It’s a small simple thing to do for him. Just go.

3. Nope. Self care is important. If they wanna make plans, tell them you need 1 week notice.

4. >my bf gets a call from his mom last night asking if we could do dinner together tonight. Before he could give an answer, she demands we go since they haven’t seen us in a while.

   So they weren’t asking, they were telling?

   “I am happy to see your parents but not on short notice like this. If I get more notice next time then I’ll be more likely to attend.”

   You are allowed to say no.

5. Nah you’re well within your rights not to go. There’s no need for you to be there if it’s not an occasion just a catch up and you don’t want to be there. His mum can bully him into it, she doesn’t get to bully you.

6. Listen. I did this.

   Here’s why you shouldn’t.

   For two years, I turned up to events last minute with my toddler in tow, travelling on a train for three hours to and three hours back, to indulge in my fiancé’s mother’s matriarchal fantasies of “family”. Never missed an event.

   And then I had to be admitted to hospital for an ovarian infection, a day before his sister’s birthday, and his father called him complaining “why couldn’t I wait until after the birthday”. Still, I was the idiot who pushed to be discharged the next day so I could take the 3 hour train and get dolled up to make their dinner only to be served nasty looks and then hear about how distraught sister was that the birthday lunch we planned had to turn into a dinner at a different location.

   That hit me hard. Cried a lot. Now, unless they’ve made plans a week or longer in advance, I am not going. And if I’m unwell or tired, I’m not going. They don’t appreciate any efforts I made so I stopped
   making them.

   Please don’t be me, and put your own needs first.

7. Begin as you mean to go on. If you train them now (including your fiance) to think that all they have to do is demand your presence and you’ll show up, you’ll have a hard time un-training them. Politely say “thanks for the invitation but I’m pooped and am looking forward to just chilling with my feet up tonight.”

8. No, I don’t think you’re a jerk. It’s a bit short notice and it’s also rude to make it a command, versus an invitation.

   Your BF’s a bit of jerk for accusing you of “never hanging out with his family” when you’ve gone every time for the past year.

9. No, nta. You guys are allowed your alone time. I would think if roles were switched you’d be understanding and not demand he go if he didn’t feel up to it. In your post you state that you do give him the choice.

   I feel like there is more to it from his side though. Like it is family pressure from his side. Since you indicate you are not close to his family, they probably sense it. So they might be compensating and giving him the impression that you dislike them. Not sure. But hopefully you can discuss it more and it work out.

10. I think you both are valid and have good points. I think a compromise is to counter offer to have dinner on another night that you don’t work. I think you guys should set clear boundaries that last minute demands for social visits is not okay. They should be planned and agreed upon mutually.

11. Difference between being guilt tripped into doing it and discussed like an adult in a relationship with respect for you.

    Does respect matter? of course it does. So do you feel guilty or listened to?

12. Info: are his parents retired and have a ton of free time, but when they make plans, it is always short notice? I bet peanuts against cranberries, that this is the case here.

13. I spent years in a situation where my husband would turn down family events unless I attended too. I was turned into the bad guy. It wasn’t until we got into a MASSIVE argument when the kids were small that my parents always saw the kids but his never did and I yelled back at him that my parents see the kids all the time with him and without him because I make an effort but he doesn’t make any effort at all. i’ve never once told him not to take the kids to see his parents – I’d LOVE a few hours to myself and for him to take the kids to see his parents — he’s the one choosing not to go. I got a blank stare and then it was like a light bulb went off. I told him its his responsibility to maintain a relationship with his family – not mine. I’ll participate when I feel like it but I’m not on call.

    That is what you tell your boyfriend. You are not “on call”. Tonight is not a good night for you. He is welcome to go. He SHOULD go. But you will not be attending tonight. If his mother wants to see you then it needs to be over a weekend and plans need to be made a few days in advance.

14. Love is sacrificial, there will be many times you will both do things you don’t want for the sake of the other. Don’t do it out of guilt but, because you love him. You aren’t married and he shouldn’t have an expectation of you without the commitment but if you plan to be married and if you would go if you were married idk what the difference would be. Work it out, tell him you will go and then let him know that you need some time alone tomorrow and if the relationship is healthy he should make that sacrifice just as you are doing for him if not then ya’ll might have bigger issues.

15. As someone who will never be accepted by my partner’s family, I say don’t waste your time people pleasing. If you want to go, go. If you don’t, don’t.

    That being said, ask your partner why he wants you to go so badly. Maybe he doesn’t want to do it alone. Are you willing to go for him? I’m not saying self sacrifice for him, I just think that you should hear him out and be open to compromise.

    But really, you don’t have to do anything and it’s not like it’s an important event. It sounds like he’s projecting the pressure he’s feeling from his mom forcing him to go onto you. Just best in mind that if you don’t go, he may hold resent down the line that you’ll have to deal with!

16. Respect is a two way street. Yes, sometimes we all make allowances and do stuff when we don’t feel like it for the sake of the relationship and others, but when you decide to not participate or can’t, they also need to respect that you have a life beyond them and be okay with that. If they aren’t, they’re just being selfish and not respectful.

    And mention to you bf that letting them know that a week of lead time is needed for your schedule rather than bending over backward to make it work is a good way to train them to ask ahead of time.

17. NTA and even if you were married you don’t need to attend every family event/dinner together.

    My mum invites everyone to dinner every week, my Husband works hard and prefers to come home and relax. He doesn’t want to socialise, so he comes like once a month.

    We have lots of large family gatherings every year (weddings, Christenings, funerals, special birthdays etc)
    I always give him the option to attend, I make it known I would like him to attend but that there’s no hard feelings either way. He attends around 80% of them.

18. Don’t go. Lie if you it is easier. It is probably that sandwich you had for lunch. Stomach cramps are terrible. I find ice cream helps, and a hot water bottle, a film, and maybe something to drink if I can manage it. Eventually, you may feel up to braving a takeaway dinner. It’s funny how these things do not last if you look after yourself in time

19. I agree we make sacrifices in a relationship but the fact she demanded before you could decide is an immediate no from me. I wouldn’t go if I wanted to at this point and for me it needs to be clear that is not how your relationship (bf and parents) is going to roll. Now to soften to blow and ease anyone’s mind (bf) about spending time with his family follow up another suggestion / time / date. Also note, “because you’re not married” does not mean you have to attend everything together after you are married – if you get that far.
    You’re not a jerk. And bf (and family) needs to respect your decision … imo. Continue to offer bf the option to attend your family events or not.

20. An invitation to dinner is not a summons. “No” is a complete sentence. Maybe, “No, thank you,” if you want.

21. If it’s so important for you to be there, they should include you in making the plans. I would offer a couple dates you are free and if they want to reschedule, you can be there those days.

22. Marriage isn’t a marking point on a timeline in a committed relationship. A legal document doesn’t demark the point at which you compromise or enjoy making your partner happy.

    I’m not saying go or not go because that is up to you and your partner about how you are going to handle family invites going forward. Compromises will have to be made on both sides. What will you do if decides he will only go to be with your family as many times as you go to his? That would be a fair compromise on his part if you fail to have a real discussion. People do strange things when they feel things aren’t equitable.

23. Rest is a requirement, not a reward. You already have plans. ❤️

24. OP, no is a complete sentence. Life is too short to do things you don’t want to do.

25. I don’t do weekday outings unless I want to. You’re under no obligation to do so.

26. As I’ve gotten older, one thing I realized, I don’t have to do anything with my free time I don’t want to do. My free time is my free time and it is not owed to anyone else. Period. You take care of yourself tonight. He will be fine without you. And if not, then there are bigger discussions ahead.

27. You can say no! Don’t go if you don’t want too, especially if they demand it. There’s no rewards for demands.

28. To add to all the excellent comments, don’t feel the need to postpone… next thing you know, all your days off are taken by family activities, and you’ll have no time to decompress.

    Not now is fine, but not ever is perfectly acceptable too.

29. Look, you’re not obligated to jump when your bf’s mom snaps her fingers, but your bf really wants you to go with him. Don’t do it for her, do it for him. You want to marry this guy. Sometimes you gotta suck it up and do something you don’t really feel like to make your partner happy. Besides, at this point it’s clear that if you skip it, he’ll be upset. Is it worth the fight? Tell him you’ll do it this time, for him, but in the future you’re going to need more notice. If you’re like me, you wouldn’t be able to really enjoy your evening alone anyway because you feel guilty.

30. It sounds like your boyfriend sees a lot more of your family than he wants to, tbh.

31. Did she demand it or just ask and it maybe emphasized that they really want to see you? It sounds like you guys probably spend more time with your family, and your partner and their parents may feel left out, offer like you don’t prioritize their relationship.

    You are very much entitled to say no, and take an evening to yourself, but offer to make plans another day with them. Make sure your partner feels like you dedicate and care

    Your general tone gives me the impression that you might not like them as much, and this could be a recurring issue. Going to family events, birthdays, holidays, parties, are not necessarily the same as one on one dinner time.

32. Definitely feels like there’s important information missing.

    When was the last time you saw his parents? Is “every time they’ve asked” only been a few times?

    What is the reason him being close to your family is just “natural”? Is he putting in effort to get to know your family that you aren’t acknowledging or reciprocating with his?

    How long would dinner realistically take, and how much time would that leave for your evening?

    No one is saying you can’t say no, but I do feel like there’s a lot hear still left unsaid.

33. Yes

34. My issue would be is that you weren’t asked and it just expected of you. I’d go and have that uncomfortable conversation about how overbearing the mom is and that in the future you will not be attending events that are forced on me. I’d say.” Next time you want to go out I’d appreciate being asked and not told. We aren’t children and unless you want to be avoided treating us like adults is expected.”

35. Could be a tit for tat thing, like he is happily participating in her family events (we dont know the frequency but the OP said he “naturally” bonded with her family so i am assuming they spend more time with her family) so the rare time his parents ask to spend time (also alluded to in OP), just a simple dinner, maybe he expected her to attend without issue.

    Her decision to decline, not because she is busy or has plans but wants to “self care”, which what is causing him to feel some kind of way.

    While she is technically “right” to decide not to attend since no one can force you do anything you don’t want to but as a partner that is a totally selfish thing to do.

    They called the day prior and you could’ve suggested another day not after work or just bit the bullet. You just said “no” which demonstrates to your bf (and his family) you would rather sit home and read a book that have spend time with them.

    In relationships we all have to do somethings that may frustrate us in order for our partners to feel validated.

    Should’ve just put the 2+ hours for dinner since you don’t frequently see his family because while you won the battle, your bf is upset now you have to work through that.

    the advice above cheering you on is awful. If you really want a successful long term relationship you have to learn to compromise and not keep score.