And it has now killed me.
Last night my (25M) boyfriend (32M) whom I’ve been with for almost a year passed out drunk. He’s not very open about his past relationships and curiosity got the best of me, so I checked up his phone. During my scrolling I found out he dated another guy while he was dating me. They hooked up but didn’t get to penetration (my bf has had trouble with that and he says he hasn’t fucked the guys he has been previously with). To his defense, he started ghosting him once we were a couple, but he hasn’t cut contact and last month he jokingly answered one of his texts saying how the guy still has his nudes. That’s all.
I went completely numb. I don’t know how to feel. A part of me got very angry, I wanted to yell at him, hurt him in some emotional way. Tell him I will never marry him, that I don’t want to move out with him anymore, that he will not longer get the best of me, I have sacrificed so much for him. Another part of me got sad because he said such beautiful things about us at the beginning, all while he was eating another guy’s dick. During that time my mother got severely sick of COVID and I couldn’t see him during the second month we were dating, that’s when things happened.
Finally, another part says that it doesn’t matter. We weren’t a couple at the time. It’s been far too long since it happened, I just found out but it should not matter anymore. I would only be concerned about STDs, because we don’t use condoms, out of trust. I feel that trust has been broken. He is very lonely and I think I unconsciously wanted him to be like that because I’m insecure, but I guess you can never be sure. I want to bring it up, and have a serious conversation because what if my health is at risk? What if there were other guys AFTER we were a couple? How do I even bring it up if I found out by checking his phone?
I know it’s a difficult position, but it would all be better if he said it out of his mouth. I don’t think he ever will. We are meeting one of his best friends tomorrow and he’s right by my side, sleeping. I can’t stop thinking about this, I have lost my sleep. Any advice?
Tl;Dr my boyfriend hooked up with another guy while we were dating, and I found out by checking his phone. What should I do?
1 comment
As you say, you weren’t a couple when this happened so technically it’s no different than him having an ex or having hooked up with people before you. Or had you talked about being exclusive at that point?
Also, get STD tested! The comment about using condoms “out of trust” is a red flag to me, especially as you don’t seem to trust him.