so a bit of history, i’m in my late twenties but i dated a guy in highschool who i lost my virginity too, after him i mostly could only ever have sex intoxicated until current partner, oh and i got raped and then sexual assaulted within a few years of each other in my late teens/early twenties. i have been with my boyfriend for a while who i have sex with but it has always felt like an “act” to me like i put on a show almost? i will moan (on purpose) and perform the sexual activity but i don’t really get anything from it? if that makes sense. literally and figuratively because it’s normally very quick and i rarely finish and also mentally it’s like a thing you’re supposed to be doing? i think i come off as having a “high sex drive” at times but i think mostly because it’s my way of trying to seek intimacy or connection. i can’t orgasm unless i have my vibrator and mostly i prefer to just masturbate (everyday). i hear people talk about “making love” or passion or fiery sex or intenseness but i have never felt any of that…i have always felt so…broken. i feel like something is wrong with me. i just don’t understand is this because of trauma response from my body potentially? also i just learned about asexuality but the definition is really unclear to me on if that is me or not… because i do have sex and i know i can orgasm and romantically i love my partner but then if i question am i sexually attracted to him or anyone for that matter i dont know if i am? how do i know if i am? im stressed about this. also i know i am attracted to both males and females but like the idea a penis or a vagina doesn’t “turn me on” but it will if i watch porn??? SOS.