I am F(22) and my husband is M(25) we have been married for almost two years. When we first got married, I didn’t work for a few months. So during the first few months of being married he was the sole provider and I kept up the house and cooking. Later in the year tho I decided to start working full time as well because we needed the money. It has been a year since both of us are working full time and i’m realizing lately that most of the housework still falls solely on me. I am the only one who cleans both our bathrooms, washes and folds the laundry, mops the floors, shops for groceries and cooks. He does the dishes sometimes and takes out the trash, but those are jobs we both share. I probably do dishes 2-3 times a week on top of everything else. His job is very physically demanding and wears down his body so he usually comes home super exhausted and takes a nap, then goes to the gym and comes home to unwind and play video games. If I ask him he’ll clean up the kitchen before playing video games, but it’s not every night. When I get off work, I come home to make dinner, then go to the gym, then try to clean up and then i’m tired and ready for bed so I don’t really get a chance to unwind. There have been a few times i’ve come home and he folded the laundry or tidied up the living room or kitchen, but it’s not a regular thing. I have been feeling really stressed and overwhelmed because of this so we had a conversation about it yesterday and I communicated all of this the best I could and he told me how sorry he was and that he heard me and he wants to take the load off me however he can. He asked me if I can tell him specifically the areas I want him to take over or help out in. I want to keep communicating healthily about this and I want to divide up the housework as fairly as I can, but not sure where to start or how to do so. Any advice from those who have been married longer and found what works for them?
8 comments
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So, you make a list of all the things that must be done. Then you each select ones you would prefer to do, maybe is some you prefer to do yourself, or he prefers to do himself etc.
Then you divide based on time appropriateness, maybe is some jobs it isn’t possible to do because the person isn’t home yet.
(but all of these still go on list)
After that you adjudacte together how to divide the rest 💐
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We made a list of all chores, and we each picked what we dont hate. I will fold 500 loads of laundry but hates washing, so he washes. I cook he does dishes. So splitting in a way you not stuck with the ones you despise helps a lot.
We also realized scrubbing a toilet doesnt bring joy, so we have a housecleaner come in once a month. We would eat ramen if we had to just to keep her.
One other thing we do is check in with each other. Sometimes he says I got 10% to give, so I give 90%. Other days I say I got 1% to give so he gives 99%. Sometimes we both say we got 0% to give okay those are the days any expectation is dropped nothing gets done we order pizza and tackle it the next day.
Whoever has the free time does the housework, excluding cooking. My wife would snap off my fingers if I took cooking away from her.
The simplest way is to say that one of you does the cooking, shopping, and dishes, the other does the laundry and the bathrooms.
We just do whatever needs to be done. Our place is pretty traditional though. I do most of the outdoor stuff. During the winter I do the snow shoveling, snow blowing, roof raking if needed, take the dogs out for playtime, work on the cars if needed and in the summer I do the summer outdoor stuff. My wife cooks, does the dishes, and laundry most of the time. I generally help fold if she tells me she’s folding. Sometimes she will disappear into the bedroom to fold and I don’t catch it till she’s done.
I also do the floors. The only thing I refuse to do and this was established prior to our marriage is dishes. I can’t do dishes and can’t empty food containers that have been in the fridge. I WILL vomit.
My husband and I both have full time corporate office jobs, we each have tasks that we prefer to do, he cleans the bathroom and I do the clothes washing, and aside from that we share all the cleaning. We clean our apartment together once a week, so we’re both doing it together and just do whatever needs to be done. We make dinner together, we clean up after dinner together.
I just wanted to thank everyone so much for all the advice, it helped so much! I made a list of all the chores yesterday and we sat down and went over it last night and divided up the chores we felt most comfortable with or prefer to do and he apologized for how much was put on me. We also set a few rules we want to try to stick to like not leaving dishes in the sink overnight. I feel really good about this and again am grateful for all your advice!