A bit of backstory. We’ve been married for over 4 years and when we first started dating my wife had this male friend with whom she would go out occasionally for a dinner and late night drinking (just the two of them).
We are both different nationalities and live abroad and my wife met this guy when she first came to our current country of residence and they became friends based on the fact they are from the same city (and country), so they speak the same language and share some interests.
Early on in our relationship I brought up to her that I don’t really feel comfortable with her going out with her male friend alone. She would go out with him and get drunk to the point where she would get sick in public or have a terrible hangover the next day which I felt was getting a little bit too much at that point. When I asked her if she would be okay if I did the same with a female friend of mine she would jokingly say absolutely not! After having a conversation about this subject we came to an agreement that she will only go out with him if I’m also invited and we were both happy with making those boundaries clear.
During the next couple of months we would meet with the guy together once and that was pretty much it. He eventually went to live in another country after some time and his name was brought up by my wife maybe once or twice during those last years and I would always ask her to say hello from me if she got a message from him.
Fast forward to two days ago. My wife went back to her home country to visit her family and friends. She texted me she will be meeting her old colleagues and the aforementioned guy (apparently he moved back to his his home town again). I didn’t think much of it as I knew we had our agreement in place and she also mentioned other colleagues so I was under the impression they are meeting as a group of friends. On the day of meeting she sent me a photo of her with the guy sitting at some pub and having a late drink just the two of them. I got pretty agitated initially but I just texted her to say hello to the guy and that she looked quite “tipsy” from the photo (I know my wife well enough to tell when she had something to drink just by looking at her eyes). Later I added that I guess she must be okay with me going out for a drink with my female colleague for a drink then if she’s doing that again with her friend, to which she replied that shes not okay with it because I need a good reason for that and tired to constantly divert the conversation to a different subject.
The next day we started talking and I told her I don’t feel okay with what she did and that she betrayed my trust. She said she didn’t know I would feel that way. She acted surprised like she had no clue to what we had agreed upon back in the day. To prove I’m not a liar I’ve sent her screenshots of our messages from when we were still dating and when I first told her I wasn’t totally okay with her nights out with her male friend. She said we need to discuss this properly and that she didn’t mean to hurt me. I told her I don’t want to argue over the phone and we will talk when she comes back home and we haven’t spoken since then.
Is my reaction inappropriate in this case? I feel really angry and sad at the same time, and I feel like she’s not being honest with me saying she didn’t know I would have something against her going out with her male friend for a drink.
I always try to encourage my wife to go out with her friends or go traveling with them. She would sometimes go traveling to another country by herself if me or her friends can’t join her and despite being worried about her I’m trying to be supportive because I know that it’s something she loves doing. I never try to control her or limit her freedom. It’s just that one thing that makes me uncomfortable and I felt we were on the same page but now I lost my confidence in her.
EDIT: After reading some posts I just want to make it clear I absolutely don’t accuse her of cheating or anything of that sorts. If she wanted to meet with the guy in secret she could’ve easily done it and I would never found out.
It’s about not respecting the boundaries we both agreed upon entering our relationship and marriage. If she’s willing to break one rule, then what guarantee do I have that she won’t break another?
Also her being a hypocrite to some degree by doing things she wouldn’t want me to do in our relationship as long as it’s a “reason” she deems valid.