I (F27) have been dating my boyfriend “Derick” (M25) for about 8 months now, we have been living together for a few months, and I can easily say that this is the happiest and healthiest relationship we’ve both ever had.
We both were upfront with one another about how we have experienced abuse in our past relationships. Derick is the calmest, most relaxed, laid back man I have ever met, and I in turn am a very calm and communicative person. We’re just two home-body nerds who love to cuddle up and game / watch anime and movies together.
The only giant red flag in this relationship is Dericks reaction to conflict- he goes silent. I make sure to communicate calmly any issues I may have, for example if something he has said hurt my feelings and I want more clarification or an apology on it. I try my best to bring things up with a clear 3 step approach- 1) What upset me, 2) Why it upset me, and 3) What I need to feel better.
More often than not, I just need a quick acknowledgment, apology, assurance or combo thereof. My goal is to always work as a team, and I hope to give him the same back. My issue is that Derick just… goes dead silent whenever any bit of conflict comes up. I’ve asked him why, and he says he doesn’t know why he goes silent, but he just doesn’t know what to say or do, and that he freezes. He also has said that he does this when he feels any kind of hurt from me, no matter how small, as he is scared of starting a fight- this despite my never having raised my voice, and always meeting him with a calm demeanor.
How can I get Derick to communicate? How on earth do I get him to be less scared, and work with me on issues like a team? It kills me to know he’s scared of conflict, as it’s clearly not from me but likely his past, and he’s such a gentle and sweet man who deserves to feel heard and safe.
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**TL;DR:** When I bring up my feelings, my boyfriend often freezes up and goes silent, and he isn’t sure how to fix this even if it hurts me. I want to know how to best navigate this so he and I can both feel heard, safe, and secure.