I’ve always had trouble in groups. All through school and especially when I studied abroad, I didn’t just not make friends; it turned into disliking or even hating each other. It’s not that I don’t talk to people. I start hanging out, then something goes wrong, and they end up hating me. I end up hating them back because they treat me badly after things go south. It was really bad when I studied abroad, like half the people there started to really dislike me. I mean, they weren’t great people, and in retrospective I can say they really didn’t match well with me. And we’re pretty mean generally, But still.
In school, I didn’t make many enemies through confrontations with me rather I had a lot of people bullying me, and I know I was gossiped about like crazy (was very rebellious in looks and kind of in behaviour) But I had a stable friend group in middle school who had my back. But now I wouldn’t wanna bump into anyone of all my school years apart from 2 people I went to school with. And I always hope not to see any of them when I’m back home, even though they probably wouldn’t even talk to me.
I always thought it would get better after school, but it didn’t. It’s so bad that sometimes I Imagine if I ever were to become publicly known, I feel like I already have so many “haters” that it would be really tough for me. I have a few close friends, but I don’t want to live like this, where 80% of people in a new group actively dislike me. What can I do?