He was the first person I did anal with, and we’ve probably done it around 20-25 times. Sometimes it feels REALLYYY good, and other times it just feels EXTREMELY overwhelming. Like I just cannot bring myself to enjoy it. The discomfort is far too intense and I ask him to stop. He then gets upset bc he fucks me and pleases me and makes me cum, but when it gets to the part it’s time to switch holes (his favorite part.. it’s his fetish) I back out.
I feel bad because he loves anal and I want to please him bc he’s always pleasing me, but it’s literally unbearable for me to take it occasionally. He says it’s a mental thing and i just need to stop tapping out and take it until it feels good, but it’s literally not enjoyable, so I don’t want to.
Shouldn’t he be more understanding when I don’t want to do it? Or am I wrong for finally letting him do it to go back on my “word” because it doesn’t feel right. Note that sometimes we’ll do it and it’ll be extremely hot and it will be smooth the entire way through, and other times it just doesn’t feel right. (Also, is this normal?) he just gets really frustrated and stops all together bc it “kills his mood”, but it makes me feel like shit.
He always fucks me for a good hour before he puts it in my butt, so I’m already very turned on. We usually use toys beforehand too, which feel good. There’s nothing different about the foreplay or prep, it’s just sometimes it feels amazing and sometimes it just doesn’t. I think that’s what mostly frustrates him
Edit: his ex loved anal and they did it more than vaginal sex. So he’s used to that and usually mentions that it’s just me being dramatic bc this never happened previously and she was able to take it 7 days a week.
Also, he NEVER makes me take it if I don’t want it, just gets frustrated I can’t take it bc he put a lot of work in to turn me on for it to happen and for mr to enjoy it.
47 comments
Your boyfriend is an asshole.
You don’t owe him to experience pain or discomfort or being overwhelmed because he has a preferred way to orgasm. It would be selfish if you didn’t care about his pleasure just because you got off, but he can’t expect you to do something that overwhelms you just because it’s his kink. He should be happy you enjoy it at times and are willing to participate.
Honestly, don’t have sex with people who doesn’t care about your comfort. I couldn’t imagine my partner asking this of me or getting upset because I tapped out of something, just like I would never expect him to do something that makes him uncomfortable.
Consent is the most important thing, if you are not comfortable with something he has to understand and not try brainswash you into something you don’t like . If he really cares about you he will be understanding. If you really want to try working on making yourself more comfortable with anal may try getting various sized butt plugs and wearing them from time to time to make yourself more comfortable with something inside. But don’t do it just to please him. You do what makes you happy and comfortable
I love anal. My wife about a year ago decided she didn’t want to do it anymore. I asked a couple times in the first 4 months after she said she didn’t want to do it and then I let it rest. For us it was a lot like what you’re talking about. We’ve only done anal only sex a few times. My wife never had any problems with it and would frequently just put it in without lube. I actually preferred using lube.
Anyways it’s been a year and I don’t bring it up ever. I don’t want to pressure her and who knows maybe someday she’ll be in the mood to start doing it again.
Ask him if you can penetrate him so he can see how it feels. I’m a woman, and I do love anal, but sometimes the butt just doesn’t co-operate, and it is not pleasant. I don’t think he’ll understand until he has tried it for himself
You shouldn’t do anything that you’re uncomfortable with, even if you’ve done it before. Sometimes it’s just not “the thing” for the evening/day. He needs to get that or you may need to rethink the relationship. NO is a complete sentence.
Also… maybe offer to do it to him, since he wants it so much. That might give him pause. Basically flip the script.
I’m guessing he thinks porn is real and all women love anal, my partner tried it a few times but she didn’t like it so we never did it again, that was probably 20 years ago, not a big problem I don’t give her grief for it.
Your ass, your rules
Don’t do what you don’t want to do. Period. I like the comment above: No is a complete sentence! A real lover who cares for you will not disrespect your boundaries! I was with someone for almost two years who exclusively wanted anal and I used to like it but he ruined it for me. It made me so insecure about my pussy actually. And to completely frank it caused me some muscle control issues that I still deal with 9 years later. I know you want to please him and that’s a good thing. But compromise is important and he needs to understand that.
Your boyfriend is an Asshole and leans on the abusive side from what I am reading. You do not deserve to be treated that way. He is abusive. It will not get better, if I had to guess worse because he realizes he can and will abuse you. Leave him.
A hard no is a hard no, i have no idea how a guy could do anal or any sex act that he knows the person doesn’t enjoy at all..
It is not like you haven’t given it a try.
What a loser. This would give me the ick. Like really, dude? If your dick is craving bhole that bad try Grindr.
Boyfriend needs to grow up and learn that if he doesn’t play nice with his toys, you will take them away. I don’t mean you’re his toy in a derogatory way, but use the analogy to show how childish he is behaving. Get a toy or strap on and try it on his ass and give him the same treatment.
He’s lucky you let him do anal at all. I don’t understand why he would want you to do it when you’re not into it. It’s your ass you get to decide, if he doesn’t like it that’s his problem. If he keeps it up you’re going to resent it and wave to do it even less
Easy one, get a dildo samish size as his dick, tell him you are will do anal every time you can use the dildo on his butt
Your ass, your boundaries. If he doesn’t accept them or tries to cross them, without u wanting, he is an asshole. If he doesn’t stop(asking etc), even tho it makes you uncomfortable, you should probably leave him
I mean doing something u don’t want to do/forcing u till u agree to do it, is basically rape.
Only done it around 20-25 times!! lol I been married almost that many years and have done it twice with my wife!
> Note that sometimes we’ll do it and it’ll be extremely hot and it will be smooth the entire way through, and other times it just doesn’t feel right. (Also, is this normal?)
Extremely normal.
What a fucking wanker.
OP , you KNOW itS NOT.ok.
That’s why you post it.
You are his sextoy. And his doormat.
Hurting you TURNS HIM ON.
If you like that , stay .
But you don’t like it.
Don’t put up with this ..
Why would you do that to yourself?
You need a new boyfriend and someone who knows something about anal sex.
I love anal sex and other than sometimes not properly gauging how much lube is needed, it never hurts. It shouldn’t hurt. If it does hurt, something isn’t being done right.
Whether it is prep or lube, I can’t say.
If his ex is so fantastic at it, tell him that he can go back to her. What he is doing is a form of abuse and it’s not okay.
I actually love anal
When it doesn’t feel good, it DOESN’T FEEL GOOD
Your bf is being an asshole
You cannot relax enough to enjoy anal while there is a dick causing you pain; it is not possible
I’ve had to walk my bf through exactly how I want to be treated physically and mentally (the foreplay while he’s doing it) so that it feels the best to me
When it’s bad we stop. Because he cares about me and my well being and me having a good time all of the time. It’s not tit for tat.
Your bf needs to grow up; you don’t owe him anything
New boyfriend.
Next!
I think it’s totally normal for you to sometimes enjoy it and sometimes not. If he were a good lover he’d roll with it and do something else on the off days. He should be stoked on the days it goes well! If he wants to be dominant he also needs to practice care and tenderness, that’s how it works.
Comparing you to his ex is absolutely horrible. I think you should consider the emotional consequences of being with someone who does this. You and your confidence don’t need it.
He’s literally trying to coerce you into anal sex knowing full well you don’t want it, he’s starting to sound a bit like a rapist.
NTA – Sex should ALWAYS be with informed, enthusiastic, consent. the minute one of you doesn’t want to do something, you stop doing it. NO arguement. NO question. No hesitation.
(Some BDSM relationships have a bit of a variance on this, but it is always part of the agreement.)
If he is trying to make you feel bad about not allowing him to do anal, then he doesn;t respect you, your body, your boundaries
I wouldn’t do anal play with someone who didn’t understand that it’s going to be on the table somedays and not other days. To be honest, I feel that way about a bunch of different kinds of sex. I need a partner who can hear that I’m feeling sore or not in the right headspace or my body is just not responding the same way today and will take that information gracefully and change plans.
It really worries me that your boyfriend has the mentality that you should endure painful sex for him until it magically starts feeling good. Is this something he does for you? Does the PIV sex you have hurt him? Or is he trying to argue that because he “pleases you” by having sex with you that feels good for both of you, you should please him by having sex that hurts you for his pleasure? Because that’s not a fair trade.
To me, this suggests that your boyfriend is not a safe sexual partner. If you don’t want to break up and you want to keep having sex with him, you’re going to have to be really really firm. Never just agree that you’ll have anal on a particular day, always say “we can try it and see how I’m feeling.” If there are things he does “for you” that make him feel obligated to get anal in return, don’t accept those things. You have to break out of the transactional dynamic where he feels like he’s owed anal. If he can’t get himself out of that mindset, then he is definitely not a safe partner.
For what it’s worth, I have 3 close friends who have acquiesced to their partners frequent demands for anal sex over the past 4-5 years and these women now have some incontinence issues resulting from that. One friend will likely have to have surgery in order to repair the damage she’s suffered. There are consequences to this stuff but your boyfriend likely doesn’t care because he won’t be the person suffering those consequences.
I had fantastic anal sex with my husband yesterday. But sometimes, we start, and I have to say “nope”. He doesn’t pout, he doesn’t whine. He just goes and washes his dick so we can continue in other ways.
No one is entitled to your body. No one should make you feel badly for wanting to be comfortable and enthusiastic about the sex you are having. You need to figure out if this is a conversation you can have with your boyfriend and that he can adhere to respecting you, or is this something you need to leave over.
ewwww that sexual temper tantrum men throw when they can’t get their ways gives such an ick 🤢
Wow, what a prick! He sounds like he cares far too much about his own satisfaction and nowhere near enough for your satisfaction and discomfort. In my experience I think anal sex is maybe more for the man’s pleasure than the woman’s. Yeah, it can feel hot at times, especially when you’re already horny but other times it’s kinda “meh” and one of the things you do cos you love him. If it’s not pleasurable to the point it’s unbearable then hell, he should be respecting that and not sulking like a whiny brat. Also, I’m hoping that when he’s been doing his “ favourite bit” and switching holes he’s not going ass to vagina cos that’s a sure fire way to put you at risk of infection. I don’t know what my advice would be but I know if it was me and someone disrespected me that much in the bedroom they’d have my boot up their jacksy out of my door.
Your bf is dismissive of your actual experience, he is pressurizing & manipulating you to give in because he has an anal fetish, “take it until it feels good”, “you are being dramatic” His ex loved it blah blah, he probably did the same to her, and to compare you to her. WTAF.
This is not a good caring man to you. Lose him. He is a selfish douche bag.
So manipulative and controlling to compare you to his ex. And, his tantrums are targeted at chipping away your confidence/self esteem. Not all rectums are built the same, some women cannot have anal at all. For others, it could be the best thing ever and they can do it all day, every day. Sounds like he is too immature and selfish to care about your comfort. He is too preoccupied with his own pleasure.
If a sex act is “unbearable” for you, you don’t have to do it ever again. Please stop doing this to yourself. Is there no other sex act that enjoys with you? It’s great that he pleases you but can you imagine expecting him to keep doing something that he described as unbearable? You would never want your partner to go through that again. He can enjoy PIV or Oral or toys or handjobs etc. And if he can’t, that’s concerning and you probably don’t want to be with someone who can only enjoy the one type of sex that is unbearable for you. Please stop putting yourself through this to satisfy him.
For me ist overwhelming how dumb he ist tbh.
He wants u to feel paim and do Something u dont want for his pleasure and tells u u are selfish. Just guilt trapping u there.
By the way u should think about the fact that parters (imo at least) should care for each other. While his actions Prove that his pleasure ist worth more to him then ur comfort.
Buy a strap on, then you can give him all the anal he wants, him being the one to receive it.
If he presses the issue, he’s being a jerk, and the lack of empathy is disturbing. I’m going on good faith, that he’s an otherwise good dude who is frustrated that his kink is unresolved. (Not an excuse, but I’m doing mental gymnastics to give advice.)
An opportunity to find a middle ground is to do butt training together. Get a set of his/hers butt plugs of graduated sizes and use them together.
As others have mentioned, he should know what it’s like to be penetrated, too, so he has an understanding of “getting through it.”
You’re not obligated to tolerate sex you hate as a form of payment for sex you love. If you could eat your favourite food, but then had to drink piss afterward as a condition, would that sound reasonable to you? Your bf is grooming you to believe that anal rape is the price to be paid for vaginal sex. Dump him. I promise, plenty of other men are good at vaginal sex and don’t expect to be given access to all your holes.
Put a dildo up his ass. As soon as he taps out tell him it’s a mental thing and he should stop crying.
Wtf. Seriously.
I think you should try sticking in his butt and see if he can take it 20-25 times ….
This sounds like my ex lol. definitely set firm boundaries. NO MEANS NO. Just because it’s his kink doesn’t mean it’s something YOU have to fulfill for him, especially if it’s outside of your comfort.
I love anal, wife does not. Married 20 years, probably had anal 5-6 times (and tried a few more but she wasn’t into it so we stopped before full insertion) – only when she decides she’s up for it. It’s not that hard to not be respectful of your partner’s boundaries if you’re not an asshat
I have this with my boyfriend but he would never make me feel bad about it!
If pleasing you caused pain to your partner I bet any money he wouldn’t wanna do it any more! Your ass, your rules!
Tell him that if he wants to take you that way more often, he also has to participate. Watch how quickly he loses his mind and gets angry.
Your body, your way. If he can not accept that he is NOT the person for you.
My fella really enjoys it, I can take or leave it, but I also suffer from IBS and naturally, after anal everything is harder for me and is more uncomfortable and painful. As soon as I mentioned it and how I needed to figure out better ways due to my IBS he’s never come near that door because me being in THAT kind of pain is a massive turn off for him.
Start pegging him so he truly understands.
“Babe, are you seriously mad at me for withdrawing consent? I ALWAYS have the right to withdraw consent, for any reason. Do you disagree with that?”
If he agrees: “then why are you mad?”
If he disagrees: “this makes me feel unsafe. I need to take a break from this relationship until we go to couples counselling.”
You do NOT owe him anal.
If YOU want to try, use more lube and a viberator on your clit does wonders.
This is so heartbreaking that you would ever feel bad about not making a part of *your* body available to your boyfriend.
And you say it feels good sometimes… I used to say that too. But when I was honest with myself, I realized… you know how taking a shit can feel really good??? Anal sex feels like the exact opposite of that.
He is trying to manipulate you by bringing up his ex.
And he’s putting so much work into getting you off… because he is expecting a reward. It’s not because he’s an awesome generous sweet guy. Sex is always somewhat transactional, so I’m not saying that is always wrong… I’m just saying don’t give him too much credit for that.
If you stay with this asshat (which I don’t recommend), I think you need to take anal off the table for a while. If that’s a deal-breaker for him, then the deal is broken. He should go get back with his anal pornstar ex if he thinks that is what he needs. If he is willing to stay with you while he learns to enjoy your vagina, maybe eventually you can do anal again. But no promises or guarantees… you open up your exit hole only when you decide, not when he wants it.
I dated an anal-obsessed guy. (He often mentioned that his ex loved anal too. Apparently an anal-dude tactic). I didn’t enjoy it but it didn’t hurt so I did it for him. Luckily we broke up and I got with my husband. I did anal with the husband one time just to let him try it… and he never asked again.
A few months with my husband, I was like deliriously happy with our relationship. I wasn’t sure what was different, it just felt so much more comfortable and easy and fun…. Now I am pretty sure that never hearing the dreaded, “can we do anal?” is a big part of it!!!! Girl, life with a guy who likes pussy is SO. MUCH. BETTER.
To me, the solution is clear: get a boyfriend who likes your vagina. He can go find one of the other millions of girls (🙄) who are dying to have his dick in their ass.