Sorry for the long question, I just felt context was important.
My s/o (M 22) and I have been together for coming up on 4 years. An issue that has always bothered me is he is not an outwardly romantic person — he doesn’t really do anything for me in terms of valentines days, anniversaries, and we don’t really go out on dates very often. I think he’s bought me flowers twice, once because we were at the market together and I wanted to buy them, and the second time I know his mom picked them up (unsure if she or he initiated that — regardless I was very grateful and expressed how much it meant to me). It feels like it’s always on me to plan, and quite frankly I feel bad asking to be taken out or to be bought flowers. Mind you, we are both students and incredibly busy, but it takes the same amount of time to go to a park or go on a little outing as it does to watch a movie at home. I admit I haven’t been the perfect girlfriend (I haven’t don’t anything unforgivable), as I struggle with ADHD and my mental health which I know can take a toll. To some extent I have been hesitant to express my wants and needs as I feel I am undeserving, but I don’t think that is fair to myself.
I know he loves me very much, which he shows in other ways (incredibly supportive, loyal, etc.), but I feel like this is a huge part of our relationship that is missing for me, and the difference between knowing I am loved, and feeling that way. I do buy him little presents and nick nacks all the time, just because I thought of him/think he will like it, I’ve bought him flowers, always plan something and take him somewhere for his birthday, write cards for every occasion etc. But I have slowly become hesitant and don’t want to do these things as much because I don’t want him to feel bad and I guess I also have started to feel some slight resentment that none of it feels reciprocated (—I am not doing any of these things expecting anything in return, it’s just how I express my love…but I do admit it does hurt a bit when the effort doesn’t feel reciprocated).
It also does make me question how he feels for me sometimes, because I always hear stories about how men have never wanted to or thought to do any of these things for their girlfriends until they found “the one”. It’s also tough because I want him to do these things because he wants to, not because I’ve asked him to, but I also can’t expect him to read my mind. I have tried gently talking to him about it, but I admit I haven’t been incredibly direct because I don’t want to hurt his feelings or make him feel he is not doing enough. Typically ends up with him explaining he isn’t an outwardly emotional person but that doesn’t mean he cares or loves me any less, that he loves me, that I am very important to him and his best friend.
I know I need to be more direct about what I want & need, but am honestly wondering if asking him to be more romantic is asking him to change himself? Is that unfair? How do I approach this? It is something that I feel I need in a relationship and/or marriage. I don’t want to feel alone in celebrations the rest of my life. I don’t want to throw out our relationship over something like this, but I don’t know how to express how important this is to me without it sounding like an ultimatum. I am not expecting material things or gifts or anything, but I just need more than what I am currently getting, which is barely even words that express that apart from constantly being told he loves me (which I do appreciate). I tried asking for more reassurance but I ended up being told that I shouldn’t need his reassurance as I should be more confident in myself, and if there was an issue he would tell me, which is fair…but idk it’s hard to express.
Thank you in advance.
tl;dr i (f21) am always planning dates, celebrations, doing the celebrating, etc. and it doesn’t feel reciprocated. tried talking to him about it but ends up with him explaining he isn’t an outwardly emotional person but that doesn’t mean he cares or loves me any less, that he loves me, that I am very important to him and his best friend. is it unfair for me to want him to do or say more? am i asking too much? how do i speak to him about this more directly?