Had strict parents in high school and didn’t date until college, I’m almost 20 now and I’ve never had a “first love” because I’ve never trusted a guy fully. I’ll always wait for guy to make the first move but then he’ll start to hurt me
\- 1st guy: told me about his ex gf’s attempt at her life and showed me scars on his arm from where he’d cut himself trying to make her stop, still had pictures of her on his laptop. He broke up w me after less than a month, said I was one of the prettiest girls he’d ever seen, immediately tried to get back together via a shaky voice memo after jumping in a lake, and after I ghosted him he posted a video recap of 2022 featuring a clip of him and his ex
\- 2nd guy: Told me in slightly too much detail about sex w his ex while we were in bed together, clearly wasn’t over her / I was rebound. He said I gave him “strength” and deleted pics of his ex when I was next to him, but also he was sweet and would buy me flowers, wrote me a letter, kept in contact after summer fling and he traveled to visit me as friends (while having a new gf..)
\- 3rd guy: Made me go with him to ANOTHER GIRL’S HOUSE bc he accidentally had her address on his doordash, made me wait out of view when he got the food (I told him to go f himself but still walked back w him). She was an on-again off-again “situationship” in the same friend group as him, apparently he’d wanted to be exclusive but she didn’t. When I was seeing him he made it sound like it was a past thing, but when he randomly texted me “happy Valentine’s Day,” I pressed him and he admitted he was still in his “waay too complicated situationship.” At that point he’d already gone back to his country after a few months of exchange here (and she did study abroad in a neighboring country so I’m sure they’re still involved and I was basically the other woman).
\- 4th guy: very early on in dating but after only one date he told me he’d masturbated to me “a few times.” He also has an ex that he’s still friends with and she was the one who broke up w him.. we’ve been on two dates but so far he has only tried to see me weekends or later at night, I think he views me mostly sexually. Yet we have a lot in common and can talk for hours, he said he liked that I was smarter than him. He also was upfront that he didn’t know if he was ready for relationship but he gets hurt/jealous if I mention other guys. We ran into each other yesterday and he hugged me, “I was thinking about you this morning,” but then he’s left me on delivered while being active on instagram multiple times and not putting that much effort in.
What is wrong w me that I can’t escape this? It’s not looks, my mom was a signed model who fits eastern european beauty standard and even though I’m not quite at her level I’ve done some modeling work too and regularly get complimented by strangers. Do I give off an aura of low self-esteem? Am I mildly on the spectrum and getting taken advantage of by guys? Am I just in denial and I’m actually not pretty enough to be anything more than a hookup/situationship to the tier of guys I find attractive? Should I just hold off on anything sexual for multiple dates and let guys weed themselves out (most of these guys tried to kiss me around end of first date and I did = hookup box?). So tired of watching this happen again and again