My gf was drugged and now feels disgusting about getting intimate

47 comments

1. You sound like an amazing boyfriend but I don’t know why you let her grab a shot from another fella. Just support her and let her take her time and wait for her to come to you for anything intimate.

2. It’s very likely that your girlfriend just got too drunk. I wouldn’t support the “drugged” narrative. Had she been drugged, you likely would have been able to tell.

   I’d be very careful. Sounds like she’s blaming you for what happened.

3. It doesn’t sound like she was drugged.

4. Why would someone drug a woman who is with her friends (including her BF) with a drug that doesn’t even incapacitate them? I feel like it is more likely that she just had too much to drink and had an alcohol related blackout. Either way, take this as a sign to drink a little less and to not accept drinks from people who give weird vibes.

5. This just happened. Give her some time to process her emotions, encourage her to reach out to females in her life so she can speak with them about it. This was neither of your faults, besides taking the shot. When something in my life happens that causes me to feel out of control, I tend to make quick decisions, and say things I don’t necessarily mean.

   Your gf is coming to terms that she was drugged by someone who made her uncomfortable, she had sex with her boyfriend, which she probably would have anyway, but doesn’t remember it. It’s disconcerting to not remember a period of time, especially when you’re at your most vulnerable, no matter who you’re with.

   All you can do is ask her how she’s feeling, remind her that you’re always there to listen to her thoughts without trying to problem solve them (just listen, give encouraging words. But don’t give her advice unless she asks. Most times, girls just want to rant or talk through feelings) and that you aren’t going to leave her. But let her bring the conversations up, you don’t want her to feel like that’s all you’re focusing on. And maybe try not to mention your guys’ sex life unless she brings it up.

6. Right now she likely feels very unsafe – not with you but in general – and is most likely blaming herself for what happened.

   Keep being affectionate/showing affection to her, including casual physical affection like hugs, kisses, things like that, but nothing more than PG-13. She needs time to feel comfortable in/with her body again. Do your best to keep sexual comments, jokes, compliments, etc. to a minimum. Give her non-appearance-based compliments to help her self-esteem without focusing on her body. Let her take the lead with initiating any intimacy or escalating physical affection.

   If this goes on for an extended time she might want to look into some short-term therapy, especially if she has had any other history of issues around sex.

7. >Ever since it happened she’s completely changed. The light in her eyes has faded and I can tell how on edge and depressed she’s gotten.

   she needs to either go to therapy or a support group asap. encourage her to do so.

   >I feel gross about it and she has expressed the same feelings. So I’ve been giving her space and letting her work through it.

   continue this. i would even go so far as to explicitly say: “i’ve been thinking about it and i really don’t want you to feel pressured, so i’m just going to say sex is OFF the table for us. not forever, but until YOU tell me you’re ready to have sex again. i don’t want you stressing out every time i kiss you or hug you.i want you to be ready. i’m here for you and i will support you as long as it takes.”

   and then, you know, do that. but it might help in terms of your physical intimacy with her if she knows you’re not expecting it to lead anywhere right now. she probably could use cuddling, hugs, etc rn and should know they won’t be coming with strings attached, and that she can focus on healing without worrying about whether she’s going to lose you in the process.

   _______

   edit: other people are saying it doesn’t sound like she was actually drugged. idk. i had a couple of friends who came home drugged once. they were…funcitional, but barely. they had had a little bit of the drinks someone bought for them and then gotten a wierd vibe and stopped.

   >I feel terrible about sex that night and she does too.

   she’s got a lot on her mind rn. one of the things that is probably swimming through her mind is whether you DID notice and proceeded to have sex anyway. it doesn’t matter how great of a boyfriend you are, that seed of doubt is going to be in her head. you have to do what i say and earn her trust back (even if it wasn’t your fault you lost it to begin with). that’s going to take time, but you have to be consistent because obviously the repercussions for your relationship are pretty huge if you don’t.

8. The best thing you can do is offer your support and do not try anything sexual with her. Just be patient and let her work through it.

   I would also suggest if things continue to bother her to possibly visit a therapist where she can sort out her feelings about the situation. If she doesn’t feel comfortable, maybe another trusted third party.

9. This just happened. Give her some time to process it.

10. I’ve been drugged before, and it doesn’t seem she was drugged, seems like she blacked out. She would not have been able to continue the night “normally.” Blacking out right after a shot is also extremely common timing wise. She overdid it, lucky she went home with you, enough said.

11. You can get blackout drunk without looking like it. Its about speed and rate of consumption not amount.

12. I’m terribly sorry this happened. It’s an awful experience that probably shook your GF to her core — her understanding of the world, her faith in humanity, etc. My partner went through something similar a few years ago, and even just experiencing it second-hand through her was terrifying and difficult to process. Ten times worse for her, I am sure.

    My advice:

    Time. Therapy. Consistency from you. Absolutely zero pressure on return to intimacy.

    * **Time.** She *will* likely get through this. It will not happen overnight. Set expectations with yourself that this is going to take a while, and make sure she knows you are there for her as long as she needs you to be.
    * **Therapy.** Encourage her to — when she is ready — get professional help. Make it as easy as you can for her to take advantage of this, e.g. leaving the house/apartment so she can have space that is fully hers for the session. If she’s nervous about this, maybe you can help reduce the friction, i.e. find a list of approved providers she can look through.
    * **Consistency from you.** You have communicated the right things; make sure you stay consistent. It will take her time to re-discover her trust in you, the relationship she used to have with you, and her faith in her surroundings and relationships. Any negative deviation in what she’s receiving from you — words, actions, physicalities — will “reset” that progress.
    * **Zero pressure on intimacy.** She sets the timeline. She makes the moves — whether it’s a kiss, a hug, whatever baby steps she wants to take towards intimacy. Let her know that this is entirely in her control, and let her actively reclaim that control.

    Wish you both the best. You’re mature enough to realize that in this moment — which may be the next six months, or more — her needs are far, far more important than yours. You have the opportunity to step up and demonstrate to your GF that you are not just a significant other, but a lifelong partner who will always put her first. I hope you rise to the occasion, and I hope your GF is able to process and find a path to healing.

    P.S. – I hope you have people in your life you can talk to about this as well. Be careful about what you share; don’t share anything she would not be comfortable with, and don’t use a friend as an opportunity to “blow off steam” e.g. complain about lack of sex or whatever. But *do* find a healthy outlet to not bottle up everything you’re experiencing.

13. Hey OP, I see a lot of people focusing on the “drugged” aspect. They are missing the point that if you weren’t her bf, getting a chick wasted and taking them home would be date rape. That’s how you both feel, yeah? 

    I agree with the poster who said to sit down and say sex is off the table and let her know she is loved and you will stand by her as you both process this. She can try calling a crisis line that can point to resources- frankly I think both of you talking to a counselor of some type would be beneficial. Good luck.

14. You guys learned a lesson that you already knew … don’t accept drinks from strangers.

15. An ex of mine would get blacked out and you couldn’t even tell she was drunk. Myself as well. Some people, probably most really proficient drinkers, can hold it together even when toasted. It can even be random.

    Speaking on the relationship aspect I think a lot of conversations I had with this ex weren’t committed to her memory but I remember them. Good conversations but also some bad ones. Also sex. So her not understanding why I was mad at her at times or why in the end I cut her out of my life is a rough subject. I was confused on why she was confused until I put it together kind of too late. She was probably blacked out for a lot of things. Major alcoholic. Too bad.

    As far as blame goes drunk sex between trusting partners shouldn’t really be traumatic memory or not. Not remembering definitely sucks though and I know I’ve spiraled when trying to recall. That’s a vulnerable state and it’s the reason I don’t get wild around people I don’t trust. Also why I rarely do shots.

16. Both of you should seek therapy. It wasn’t both of your fault for what happened. But you both will need to get some help.

    On a side note, this is part of the reason I don’t go to bars anymore. I swear people are getting worse and bars are the perfect magnet for these assholes. Plus it’s loud, crowded and drinks are so overpriced. For what most people pay for a night out they could be buying top shelf stuff to enjoy at home instead

17. This isn’t the sort of thing YOU are going to fix. She needs to talk to a professional if this is an issue for her. After that, maybe you both can come up with a plan to make her more comfortable that you can both agree on.

18. It takes time to process her feelings. that’s ok. You’re doing the right thing by giving her space. but make sure she knows that’s what you’re doing so she doesn’t spiral mentally about your feelings for her. if she thinks you’re distancing yourself emotionally that will send her into a whole other emotional tailspin. I would even suggest to get her consent before going to give her physical contact. That way she is more in control of her body than she had that night. giving her back her power of autonomy. (not that you took it away, but she might be feeling like that)

    the other thing I want to say, you did nothing wrong. she did nothing wrong. Whether she was spiked or not, you guys clearly love each other, but this situation has thrown both of you through a loop. I would remind her that she is safe with you, that had you had any inkling that she was not 100% aware you would never have been intimate with her. offer to go to therapy with her, suggest she talk to someone who has been spiked and taken advantage of, if they are willing to talk to her that is.

    I wish you both well

19. I can’t imagine being that stressed out or traumatized over not remembering consensual sex with someone I know. It certainly was not rape. She probably wasn’t even drugged. If you’re already tipsy all it takes is one shot to tip the scales into full blown blackout.
    I definitely recommend therapy just because she is blowing it way out of proportion, maybe it’s triggering a memory of something else that happened to her before. Personally, I would just move on and be more careful with alcohol, just because if you hadn’t been there something bad may have actually happened to her. Sounds like your are being really kind to her tho, so I guess keep doing that.

20. Get her tested. That way she will know for sure and could be reacting over something that really didn’t happen. Then she could start to feel better about the entire situation. She could have drank too much and it was enough to bring her over the edge with the shot. My friend was drugged at a night club. But she went from sober to extremely drunk in a matter of minutes. You could see the changes in her and he behavior was really odd from what her normal is.

    We took her home and she did get tested and was found with the date rape drug in her system.

    Also never accept a drink from a stranger. Go see the drink being made. If I leave my drink on a table and walk away, I do not drink it and will ask for a new one. That night we (6 women) were brought drinks. I refused and several others did too. My friend didn’t.

    I grew up in San Francisco so you have to be sharp when going to clubs for this very reason as a woman.

21. Look, there’s a difference between having sex with someone randomly and not remembering it. You can feel gross, used… raped. I don’t think she should be ascribing these feelings to you. You’re her boyfriend, you’re in a loving relationship, you were with her all night. You didn’t take advantage of her, she appeared coherent, she initiated. She wasn’t raped here because there isn’t the outward appearance of intoxication to the extent where consent wouldn’t be able to be given.

    Let her work through this. She will come to you in time. Don’t pressure her, support her, be there and talk through this. Don’t blame her, don’t tell her she needs to be more careful… just be there.

22. Go to therapy. Support her in getting therapy and get some therapy together. She feels violated, she needs a place to talk about that without it being taken wrong and upsetting the rest of her life. Then you both need a place with a neutral observer to talk about what you saw and did, what you needed, and how things could have been different.

23. I’ve been drugged three times. Every time I was falling down incoherent and could barely form a sentence. I’m very sympathetic to how she feels because blacking out IS scary, but I really doubt she was drugged if you didn’t notice any of those behaviors. Blacking out from being drunk is very different than being drugged. I’ve blacked out from drinking and people had no idea, but when I was drugged people DEFINITELY noticed (thank god.) still, she obviously still needs some support and I definitely suggest you both reevaluate your relationship with alcohol. Not suggesting you’re alcoholics by any means, but alcohol can cause problems in a lot of ways. Especially if she blacks out after a few drinks and it causes this much trouble.

24. This is the exact reason I always tell my girlfriend no when she wants to be intimate after we’ve been out drinking that night.

    I’ve been with my girlfriend over 9 months now and we party a couple times a month and not once have we ever been intimate while inebriated. It’s just not worth it.

    I think you just need to comfort her when you can and not much else you can do.

25. But definitely explain to her be like well. Luckily I was there and we were together and nothing had really bad happened where they were out with like friends or whatever that guy might’ve taken you so at least you know, put the positives like make a positive spin on the whole mess .

26. Why are you letting dudes buy your girl drinks?

27. She needs time and to speak to people who have had that experience too.

28. Have you ever heard of the Baader-Meinhof phenomenon? (Also called the frequency illusion) It’s a type of confirmation bias sparked by hearing about something often enough that you start noticing it more, often confusing that thing for something that it isn’t. Honestly, that sounds like what has happened here. It is very possible for alcohol to affect your memory, even to go so far as “blacking-out” even if you don’t look particularly drunk. Trust me, I’ve experienced this one personally. When I was the Navy, I had this happen several times, where I couldn’t remember what happened the night before, and the other guys would say something like “you didn’t look that drunk”.

    On the other hand, and I admit I’m no expert here, but everything I have ever heard about date-rape drugs indicates the effect is very pronounced. It really sounds like she just had too much to drink, and the Baader-Meinhof phenomenon is making you jump to something being slipped into her drink.

    She should get some blood drawn and see if there are any traces of drugs in her system immediately. At least this could give you some peace of mind. And on the off chance there are traces of a drug in her system, you can file a police report and go from there. What’s really terrifying is I’m not seeing anyone else say this. Too many people in this thread are also assuming she had something slipped into her drink without any kind of evidence.

29. just get her some therapy

30. I don’t think she was drugged. I think you’re not seeing the signs that she’s maybe not into you anymore. Last night was a wake up call to her that she likes being single. She’s just trying to gain the strength to move on and no sex helps that.

31. There’s little proof she was actually drugged. Not to lessen anyone’s fear but in my time as a young alcoholic many of women will excuse them Blacking out as being drugged “becasue they’ve drank that much before with no issues.” That’s not how the human body or drugs work

32. This is for your information, OP. I’m not suggesting you tell your gf this, even with a well thought out strategy. But a blackout doesn’t mean she wasn’t there. She was there, and aware of what she was doing when she was doing it. But the alcohol, and possibly drugs, caused temporary amnesia by blocking the transfer of information from short-term to long-term storage and becoming long-term memories. You didn’t do anything wrong. But it sounds like your gf could benefit from seeing a mental health professional.

33. It’s very possible that she was drugged, but she should be tested ASAP to be sure. The other possibility is she got “black out” drunk. I’m thinking this is possible because you stated her behavior was “*nothing unusual.*”

    Black out drunk doesn’t mean she blacked out, just that she became intoxicated to a point where an entire section of her night was forgotten (*aka, a “black out”*). It’s most common with people who have a drinking problem, but can ultimately happen to anyone.

    If it turns out she *was* drugged, she should consider filing a police report and making the bar aware of the individual she believes did it so they can (hopefully) keep an eye out.

34. I think you need to be honest with yourself in respect of how long you will be able to forgo sex. i know this comment may get downvboted but you have mentioned that the two of you have a very active sex life. Going without sex will be like a long distant relationship and those things only last so long.

    The reason i am saying that you need to be honest with yourself is that this situation effecting your girlfriend is obviously having an effect on you.

    Others have mentioned she might need to go to theraphy. maybe you could see if its possible for the two of you to attend a few sessions of couples therapy.

    Obviously i dont doubt you that you intend to stand by her in this, but the reality is that there will be a limit to how long you will be able to tolerate the lact of physical intimicy.

    Give her her space, try to give her room to heal.

    you need to stop blaming yourself for what happened, and the trauma shes going through is for a therapist to help her through.

    uinfortunityly we cant fix anybody in this worl.

    so give her the space she needs. but for yourself you need to know when to call it a day.The reality is that it might take her 6 months or it might take her six years.

    The lesson is to not be accepting shopts from a guy at a bar whos trying to chat her up.

    Contact the bar for cctv and notify the police.

35. Man, my heart is breaking for you both. Keep talking about it.

    For now make sure she never feels like she has to comfort *you* bc of what happened to *her.* Don’t look at her with sad eyes all the time or fall apart when she does. This is harder than it sounds bc it’s very painful when bad things happen to people you love. Find someone you can talk to about this so you’re not just bottling up your negative emotions.

    And reiterating what many others have said about taking sex off the table for a while so she doesn’t feel any pressure.

36. Maybe you both should quit drinking

37. Do keep reassuring her with words that you will wait her out. Ask her what kinds of physical affection are still welcome for you to initiate, and what might be a little charged for her right now.

    Take her on some day dates, just good clean fun. Library and a coffee shop. Museum in your area. Boba. Renting bikes. Easy nature walk. Conservatory to see flowers. Zoo.

38. christ, why is this an issue. You guys had sex with each other and you always enjoy it. Whats the difference now? You guys need to relax and chill out. No one did anything wrong and if she wasnt “drugged” as you think she was, you still would have done it regardless.

39. First of all, how long ago was this? Even with really traumatic events the first month you should really only focus on beeing safe. If there are symptoms after that you could consider mental health professionals but most people deal with adverse events without professionals.

    Since this sounds more recent than a month. Just be nice to each other and care for each other. Talk if she wants to and focus on other things if she doesn’t.

    Regarding beeing drugged or not. It’s hard to tell unless you test her. She could as well have been black out drunk. People can black out without it beeing visible.

40. Guys, are you so poor that you need someone else to buy you drinks? Why would you accept such things? This is a wake up call for you to stop doing it.

41. Holy bleep. You had a bad night where the worst thing that happened was people who have been together over a year had sex. If you were drugged it sucks no doubt. But the end result was no worse than being blackout drunk and having sex. I hope nothing truly bad happens to you guys because it seems like you will just crumble.

42. Ever heard of just being blackout?

43. It doesn’t sound at all like she was drugged. Just sometimes that last shot will hit you like a train, speaking from experience.

44. It doesn’t sound like she was drugged.
    It sounds like she mixed alcohol. And had too much.
    And she shouldn’t go around telling people she was drugged with no proof.

    What if the guy DID NOT drug her and she’s tossing around accusations? Falsely accusing people of something is wrong.

    Maybe she should dial back her alcohol consumption.

45. Why go out when you have a partner

    You sound delusional

46. Maybe she blacked out, back to back to back shots hit around the same time and you can go blackout

47. I really don’t think she was drugged. She sounds like she’s never been black out drunk before and sometimes one strong shot can take you there. Happened to me once. I feel like this situation is blown out of proportion bc at the end nothing bad happened. She initiated sex with you, a person she has constant sex with. You both were drunk. Just one more than the other.

    But honestly we don’t know unless she gets tested. Then it’s different bc she was drugged without her knowing or consent, which I can understand being uncomfortable with.