Throwaway account for obvious reasons. Where to start, I will try to tell our stories as clearly as possible.
We are in the UK, I came to the UK as a student and met my husband while at uni. We married in 2019. I come from an extremely homophobic country and I cannot go back there anymore otherwise I might get killed.
After our marriage, things started to get bit rocky. In 2021 my husband was going through some mental health issues. I supported him throughout. He quit his job and decided to work part time and go back to university to do a degree. I find out on late 2021 that he had downloaded Grindr and was talking to men. I found this out after going through his phone which I know I shouldn’t have. It really broke me and devastated me. It gave me a lot of anxiety. I never thought he would do such a thing.
I knew he wouldn’t physically cheat on me but this was very hurtful. With the help of my therapist I went through this trauma. I decided not to tell him, and forgive him and let go of this. However I did take screenshots of his Grindr usage. Again not my proudest moment.
After this his mental health started to get better. Things got better but we rarely have sex. I still have the fact that he was on Grindr at the back of my mind. I feel disconnected from him after this. But we still had our moments of good times here and there. In December last year we went on holiday. While on holiday he decided to download Grindr, to see who and who is around in that town we went on holiday, but this time he did tell me he had downloaded Grindr for this reason. I didn’t mind that much.
Then last night, I got really drunk in the house. He went to bed. I felt really alone and lonely as I haven’t been getting much attention from him for months and months. I felt that lonely that I decided to download Grindr last night while I was very drunk. But I never had the intention of actually finding someone else for sex. All I wanted was some chat and attention from other men. After I had a few chats here and there I just went back to bed at like 4 am. Didn’t give anyone my number or anything. I had the intentions of deleting the app but I forgot.
This morning my husband thought it was suspicious that I was up so late on my own and drunk. So he downloaded Grindr and saw my profile on there. He kicked off. Then I revealed I know he had downloaded Grindr in 2021 and even gave his number to some men. He denied it so I sent the screenshots I took back then as evidence. He got angry that I hid it from him all these years and the fact that I went through his phone (which I understand). In my eyes we have done almost equal shitty things to each other. And the fact that we had not physically cheated on each other, I feel like we should be able to get past this.
But he is really not getting over the fact that I knew about the fact that he used Grindr in 2021 and didn’t tell him. I don’t know what to do even. I really don’t wanna split up. And he now thinks I am married to him for the UK spouse visa which will give me permanent residency in 2 years time. The thing is I also can’t go back to my home country since I will be killed for being gay there. So there is that factor that’s coming into play as well.
I suggested couples counselling but he doesn’t think this would help. I really don’t know what to do anymore.
tl;dr
I think I have really messed up our marriage. Husband and I had both downloaded Grindr for attention from men. But I feel like we had done equally bad stuff. We both haven’t physically cheated on each other so I feel like we can overcome this but he doesn’t. It’s also giving us both a lot of anxiety. Specially me as I might be sent back to my country where I could be killed for being gay.