Dear all, here’s an exerpt from my journal of last night’s disagreement with my wife. I m wondering if this is a familiar dynamic.
Another few days of calm, I begin to feel like we’re connected and making good progress. Janice spends a lot of the day upset and experiencing deep sadness, thinking about life and loss, and I try my best to support her and let her know that I am here for her. By the evening we’re all snuggled up watching TV and about to go to bed and she says something along the lines of ‘you’re like a medicine for me’ – she’s been saying this kind of thing all day, about how she loves my smell, and how attractive I am to her, how handsome, how lucky she is, how I make ‘everything better’. Previously that evening I had suggested that I cannot be the answer to everything and that it might be a form of escape from her pain to be looking towards these things – placing me on such a high pedestal. Also, that by doing so means her mood is dependant upon her interaction with me, which makes her quite vulnerable. I didn’t say these things directly but in a round about way, regarding her finding her own hobbies and passions and finding her own fulfilment etc.
Well, after the ‘medicine’ comment I paused, and took a moment, looking a bit stifled, as it represented the same kind of folly which feels worrying to me and then after a brief pause I said something along the lines of ‘yes but you must be careful not to put too much into me’.
Janice switched, got up and began clearing the plates loudly, she was angry and frustrated, no doubt because she saw my comment as a rejection. Ironically what was playing out was exactly the dynamic which I’ve been concerned about. I hadn’t meant my comment in a rejecting way – it came from a place of care – and it wasn’t meant to suggest I wasnt there for her any more, it’s just what came to mind when she repeated the same thing to me.
I tried to talk with her but she began to shout over me, and a sense of shock and exhaustion drained through me – I realised that this dynamic, the dynamic whereby she changes character and becomes argumentative, aggressive, loud, dismissive, arrogant and callous, has been so frequently visited and that I had been a fool to think that we were making progress.
In the kitchen now, I’m imploring her to sit down and talk with me properly. I’m trying to calm her and explain that I meant what I said from a kind place, and that I cared deeply. She continues to shout and now I am apparently not validating her feelings by trying to explain.
I’m awe struck – what’s just happened? How could it turn on a dime so quickly?
For the whole day I’ve had a beautifully honest rapport with this woman, and felt as though she was in pain from connecting with deep and upsetting emotions, sincerely. I’d been holding her, reassuring her, stroking her, looking her in th eyes while she’s crying and telling her I am here for her, assuaging her fears as best I can whilst validating the very real difficulties she was reflecting upon. I felt like I had my wife back… Then, like every time, like a switch, day turns to night and I am again sucked into the underworld, confused and protesting.
However, one thing has changed – I am now beginning to seriously think about what’s happening, why, and what my life looks like away from this – whether I should seriously consider ending things.
The bad times are all too familiar. Like when we argued in Paris setting out on our holiday, or when we argued in Paris when we returned from the mountains or like the innumerable times she’s thrown her anger around like dissatisfied child over the years.
There are two distinctive Janice’s, one of them I love dearly, the other one has hurt me so often now I am beaten down and fed up and totally disheartened with. There are times where I feel the nice, agreeable, understanding person is a facade, employed when feeling vulnerable to garner attention, a facade which is quickly shedded if attention is not granted or she experiences a kind of disapproval.
We went to bed in a bad mood, not talking or rather with her refusing to talk it through. She has now tried to start the day as if nothing happened – it’s mad to me that we could have such a significant blow up and someone begin again as if nothing happened.
I’ve grown increasingly wary of her and believe she may be quite unwell. I am also wondering to what extent her upset emotional world, lack of direction, constant need for support (emotional and financial) lack of work ethic, lack of hobbies or passions etc is creating a kind of instability in me.
Certainly I want a family, it seems, yet I feel as though I am having to nurture this woman all the way. Her unstable moods are destroying the hope I held for my future, and gradually, the dream is dying as I become aware that this is it – this is what it will always be like and that my energies are not going towards helping us get anywhere. Like Sisyphus I’m destined to be forever carrying us both up this mountain only to have her swipe my legs away once we reach the top, causing us to tumble down again, and again and again.
Surely, there’s more to life?!