context: i am a mixed girl in a predominantly hispanic high school.
i am an alíen. i literally have to be. because there is literally no other explanation that truly explains why i am like this. i’ve always felt different but blamed it on “quirkyness”, when i finally transferred from an all small girls school to a large co ed public school i realized how different i was. i understand i was very sheltered around boys and how they act but i never really expected this treatment. when i was in middle school i never even thought that i was ugly, i didn’t talk to boys like how some girls at my school did but it never bothered me. i’m glad i got out of the school because of the stress i was put through but sometimes i wish i had stayed so i wouldn’t have ever had to experience this emotion of inadequacy. when i finally got to my new school i realized boys don’t acknowledge me which obviously made me feel bad about myself, like there was something wrong with me that they could just sense a mile away. although i had no interest in them i wished that they would just treat me like a person. but they don’t, they just act like im invisible. which sometimes feels true. i wouldn’t feel as bad either if not all of my friends have had boyfriends or lost their virginity or even just simply been in a talking stage, not a single friend of mine could relate to the experience of never having a guy your age approach you. the only time i ever get really approached is by guys older than me. i’ve always tried to be kind and positive because i genuinely can’t stand women who put other women down for the temporary validation of men but i just wish i could experience what they have. i’m 17 and every lunch conversation includes a boy or something related to sex. i just feel that i can’t relate to my friends and all i can do is listen. i can’t even pretend im not slightly envious anymore, but i don’t want to be like this. i want my friends to continue to have these experiences so they can have cool stories to tell their kids about their young loves but what about me? i want to experience young love, but i know im not easy to love so i know my first love won’t be till im probably 30 or something.
but even on the girl front i struggle. i feel like an alien because i can’t relate and im not nearly as feminine. i’m an awkward quiet girl. i also have a habit to be a people pleaser because of my family and because i have been told before i have a “resting bitch face” . but i feel like people look into my soul and realize im fake, a phony. which i guess they’re not wrong, but i don’t do it to be fake, i do it because i know otherwise no one would like me. i’m always tired, im lowk boring, i talk to much, i don’t think like a normal person and im so unfeminine for a girl, how is that likable? i know i shouldn’t change my personality for others because it comes off as fake but realistically this is what my only option is looking like right now.
i know i can’t fix all of this but any advice is appreciated, i don’t exactly want to change myself because i’ve done that and ruined my mental health but more i want to emotionally try to understand myself and learn to maybe cope. obviously it would be amazing if y’all had advice on acting like a normal human being tho please feel free to share. thank you for listening to my little rant, i know it’s a first world problem and there are more important things to worry about but i just needed to get this off my chest.