34M. I have 2 kids and a great wife. I recently was laid off but I got quite a bit of money due to the lay off and have a job potentially lined up. I’m also getting my masters for a dream I’m hoping to follow. I’ve been in sales and while I’m good at it. It totally exacerbates my anxiety. So while I have this job offer basically, I’m almost self destructive due to fears of failure, speaking in front of others and massive imposter syndrome. I would overeat, not sleep, etc with the previous job bc of how stressed I was. With the market how it is , I feel forced to take it. If there is one thing I’ve been OK at , it’s making money for my family…
My poor wife has dealt with me when my brother died and had to be married with a newborn and me drinking on and off antidepressants (no alcoholism just being a dumb recent college grad) bc I was in avoidance and had no idea I was even that bad off. I barely drink anymore and am off all pills. My kid was diagnosed with autism and later just a learning disorder. We had a second kid and i entered a new job during that period which tail spinned me in to more anxiety. I just have lost control of myself. I’m lucky she has stayed and id say I’m very selfish, semi unknowingly. She wants a man and I’m just stuck as a man child with a brain who doesn’t trust itself. I am a great dad. I help with everything. Make and save money. I try REALLY hard but I’m not a man in her eyes. She needs more and totrust me. And I agree.
I’m currently doing 2 a days working out, taking care of the kids, house, etc and I can’t lose weight. Nothing is helping. I’m drinking tea. I’m eating healthy. Now it’s hard for me to even get an erection and I haven’t been able to even satisfy my wife and she’s called me out on it.
I feel like a MASSIVE failure. I’m terrified to take medicine bc of how many drugs docs pushed on me during the beginning of all of this with my brothers death (this was 10+ years ago). I ended up with cluster headaches so it scares the fuck out of me and it’s hard for me to trust docs. I got to therapy with myself and my wife for couples therapy. I promise I’m trying in every way to be and feel normal. And to be there but it’s difficult. I feel like I play life on ultra hard mode DAILY. Small tasks feel monumental to me. And my confidence is -25%
I trust nothing and no one. I feel I don’t deserve love or even a good paying job. I’ve won awards. People say they love me. I have friends I’ve had since 5 years old. My parents , in laws, nieces , and nephews all love me. But I’m miserable. Bosses, coworkers, friends , etc would be shocked if they heard me even remotely say this stuff. I’m tired every day. Working out doesn’t even help and I’m pissed I can’t lose weight and cannot sleep. IDK WHAT TO DO. I think the worst part recently is the sexual side effects… I feel like SUCH a bad husband. And embarrassed.
Can anyone relate? Any place I can start? The worst part is I can’t trust my gut and I KNOW I should be thankful and I’m just a gosh darn mess. So I feel guilt… I want to be normal and happy again. And more importantly, there for my wife. In every possible way. And instead I feel like I’m failing big time. Any tips?