I was basically broken up with because he wasn’t enjoying sex.
I’m not very experienced despite being older, and I haven’t really had any positive sex experiences until my ex. It was the first time someone was gentle enough with me where sex didn’t hurt all the time. I was upfront when we started dating about my inexperience and past. I didn’t date for 5 years because an ex had sexually assaulted me and took a long time heal.
I thought since it was all so new to me, and if he cared enough about me he would have been patient with me, helping me learn what I enjoyed with a partner. I wanted him to tell me what he liked too and I was very open to trying new things, but also just getting used to vanilla sex as well. We had only really been having sex for about 6 weeks when he broke up with me, saying it wasn’t good and I explained I’ve been trying and he needed to communicate with me.
My therapist said he really didn’t give it enough time, some friends have also said it can be awkward and take some time to get into a rhythm with your partner.
I never thought my inexperience would be such an obstacle, I thought if someone cared about me, they would want me to have positive experiences, show me positive experiences and make me feel safe and loved. Now I am terrified the next person will judge me as well.
I was struggling when we were intimate as well because he put all these expectations on me based on his past partners. I hurt his ego because I wasn’t cuming from penetration, and he was visibly upset a few times because he believed every woman he had slept with did. I was trying to be honest about what felt good for me, and every time we had sex it was feeling better for me. It started to stress me out because it felt like I HAD to orgasm every time we fooled around or I was letting down. If it took me too long he was a failure or something. I tried to tell him I wanted more romance and foreplay instead of jumping right into it, because that would turn me on more, but he just wanted to get down and dirty. I slowly stopped feeling confident and sexy in the bedroom and my performance must have reflected that, but he really didn’t continue to help me. I can do into more details if needed…
In the end I was trying hard to be what he wanted me to be that I probably neglected discovering what was good for me.
Now I’m scared that my trauma and inexperience will cause someone to breakup with me again. Five months ago I was so proud of how far I had come along from healing from the trauma I went through. I keep trying to seek out positive intimacy, love and sex and I feel like I’m struggling.