I’ve been insecure for such a long period of time. I feel like I’ve never been good at anything. I always pick negatives in myself. I have always struggled with my weight and mental health for years. I have been on medication for my mental health for the last 15 years, since my late teens/early 20s. I had a period of my life when I was younger when I felt good about myself. I was at a good weight and things were looking positive, but then various things happened and that positivity was turned on it’s head and I ended up with an addiction to alcohol, gambling, and also paying for escorts on a more regular basis. I lost a fair bit of money which was mostly savings at the time. Since then I just fell into depression, went on more meds and I disliked myself for the situation I put myself in. I also blamed a few others (mostly family) around me and resenting them for not bothering to care or step in.
I became negative and this spiralled. Then the pandemic came and I regained a lot of weight as well as suffering once again from poor mental health. I never was able to hold down a job a lot of the time, but I did work with a family member for years and it sustained me, but I wasted money on alcohol, gambling, sex workers. I never was able to pass my driving test so I never got around to driving. I learned to drive but gave up after I failed my test. I was constantly blaming myself for things. On top of that my father was ill so I moved back in with him to look after him. Since then I’ve been unemployed, living with my father (which isn’t necessarily an issue in itself as we get along well and I didn’t want to leave him by himself) and don’t drive. Now approaching my mid 30s and I feel like a failure.
My own addictions, stupid decisions and mental health have contributed to all this and I don’t really know how to get out of it. I started volunteering with a charity to get my foot back on the work ladder and regain some confidence and self esteem. It is helping for sure. I have managed to save a bit of money and am going to be retaking my driving lessons starting next week, so I’m feeling positive about that. Things are on the right track, but I still can’t help but feel like a failure at my stage of life. While many people my age (mid 30s) are on the career ladder and making good salaries I’m starting my life over again which is frustrating because I’m not getting younger so it’s a tough pill to swallow, but I understand it’s one I have to swallow and keep moving forward. I don’t even know If I can get into a real relationship or date properly again because I’ve been so used to using escorts to fulfil my needs and achieve that instant gratification. If you could give me some useful advice I would be super grateful. Thanks.