This is her grandfather’s second bout in the hospital after suffering what is essentially a mini-stoke. Her grandfather is essentially her father figure and raised her her whole life. During that time, she didn’t communicate with me at all either, but it only lasted a couple days and when she was out, she explained what happened. I didn’t understand why she wouldn’t just tell me that, but it’s obviously not about me, and I was just glad he was okay in the end. This most recent stint she wasn’t responding, I was desperate to get in contact with her and after several days she finally did text me back saying he was back in the hospital and that she’s very stressed out, and on the verge of a mental breakdown. When I asked if I could help, she said no and that only doctors could help.
That was about two weeks ago.
We’ve known each other for almost ten years and have dated on and off during that time. We’ve always been there for each other, and we’ve always come back to each other for support. I was there for her when her biological father passed away, she was there for me when I was going through a seriously abusive relationship. I struggled for the next couple days after she let me know as to why she wouldn’t let me in, to support and empathize and try to help. I was really upset about it honestly, but again, it’s not about me. given the length of time it’s been, I’d guess it hasn’t been going well for her grandfather, and that breaks my heart to think she’s dealing with that by herself. I’ve given her space, I’ve texted her a couple times just to say I love her and that I hope she’s okay, so I’m trying as best as I can to be respectful of that.
I just want to know what I can do for someone who has entirely shut down. I’ve never dealt with this before from someone I care so deeply about, and I’ve never lost anyone I loved in my life so I don’t know what it’s like to go through the grieving process or where her head may be at right now. I could just really use some advice if anyone has any.
Thank you all so much.
**TLDR** Girlfriend’s grandfather is in the hospital and I haven’t heard from her in almost two weeks. I want to support as best I can and want to understand how best to help in a situation where she has completely shut down.
2 comments
Perhaps you could drop off food, do yard work or other chores, or think of some other way to help out with her day-to-day tasks.
I’m someone who can shut other people out when grieving partially due to the fact that I’m so used to being independent and having to deal with things on my own and partially because I never truly learned to deal with those kinds of emotions. Also, if he’s been in the hospital this long, she’s probably trying to spend as much time as possible with him. Definitely try not to take it personally because she may want to lean on you but not know how.
When my mom died last summer the things I most appreciated were practical things being taken care of. Several friends either sent meals or DoorDash/Grubhub certificates so my dad and I didn’t have to think about cooking. One of the best presents my friends got for me is they pitched in to get a house cleaner who cleaned my whole house right before I got back. I was two states away for two and half weeks in my hometown and coming home to a freshly clean home was amazing.
I also had a friend or two that would call me to speak about 5 or so minutes everyday and they would just let me talk about whatever I wanted. I had many friends (some that I hadn’t spoken to in years) reach out and several of them I still haven’t responded to even though it’s been almost a year. It’s not because I didn’t appreciate it, I just didn’t have the emotional capacity at the time to deal with it.
I’d say keep reaching out to her and maybe even start your message with “don’t feel like you have to answer this, but just know….” I loved getting messages that started off with that because it immediately let me off the hook of answering if I couldn’t do it. I don’t know if have access to her home, but if you do, find household tasks you can do so she doesn’t have to worry about them when she gets home from the hospital. Are there any comfort foods or items she loves that you can easily buy for her?
I know you feel like you aren’t doing enough but I think that’s because you can’t take away the pain of her grandfather getting sick/maybe dying and everything else feels inadequate. Just know that even stuff that may seem small to you, can seem enormous to her right now.