for some reason reddit banned my previous account so i’m making this post again
My husband and I have been together for three years, our daughter was born six months ago. I love him and am generally content with our marriage. Although we have faced some problems, on my end, jealousy has been a recurring issue.We had a serious conversation about it, and I decided to start therapy. Since then, there hasn’t been any more conflicts stemming from jealousy, and I believed I had resolved the problem.Well, it wasn’t.
About three weeks ago, my husband had a corporate party and invited me to join him. Everything was fine, we were having a good time. However, being pregnant, I hadn’t touched alcohol in over a year and, i ended up overdoing it. As a result, I got a jealous of my husband and one of his coworkers. I can’t even explain why, I used to be normally with her, even though I felt like she was calling him too often. But these calls were work calls, idk why it turned out this way.
Anyway, I totally lost it and caused a scene, throwing out insults and making threats. I don’t even remember everything that happened, I realized what I did only a few hours later, at home. I immediately tried to apologize, but my husband wasn’t having it. At first, he was furious, accusing me of breaking his trust and saying it was the last straw. Then he just went silent, and for over two weeks now, he’s been giving me the cold shoulder. He leaves for work early, sleeps on the couch, and won’t even look at me. He hardly helps me with my daughter or communicates with her at all. I’ve been apologizing all these two weeks, tried to talk to him, the only time he responded he said he loved me but also hated me and didn’t know how we were going to move on. What should I do? How can I get forgiveness? I’ve promised him to get back into therapy and quit the alcohol. I just don’t know how else to make things right. I feel awful and hurt, and I’m terrified of losing him.
28 comments
I don’t believe that you’ve never behaved badly while drinking until this incident,
Alcohol lowers or removes your filter, so all of these feelings came out but you previously did have all of these feelings. This is a repeated pattern and this time it embarrassed him in front of work personnel.
You’ve apologized to both of them so continually doing that isn’t going to change anything. And clearly burying these feelings doesn’t work because they do come out eventually. It appears that’s what you did. You didn’t work through your issues, you just buried it for a while and tried not to think about it.
He is in the process of checking out. Allowing him to continue to disengage is not going to help things.
Ask him what you can do to help make things better. Include calling the people you insulted and apologizing.
No more drinking, booze is gone.
Therapy is a good idea to help him see you want to make positive progress, make sure it is happening.
Consider getting a few books on relationship happiness, read those. Let him see that you are reading them.
Talk to him, even if he does not respond, about his daughter. What she is doing. You are not going for guilt or drama here, so no exaggerating or emotional manipulation. The truth will work, you want him to stay connected.
Understand that you publicly humiliated him. He will not easily move past this. Men do not deal with humiliation well, at all. Whenever anyone is around, you want to do everything you can to bring respect to him and to improve his image to others. That is your job.
Men stay where they are respected, they go where they are valued. You must make him feel appreciated, he has to see that, you have to communicate it. You have to show him you are grateful for him being with you. Respect for him needs to be uppermost on your mind at all times – showing him that you are. That is the key, it is not enough that you feel any of these things – you must SHOW him that you do.
Suggest marriage counseling. Look, what you did was likely unforgivable. But you did it for a reason. You may be nuts, I’m not saying that is not the case. But just as likely something is wrong in the marriage that is making you feel insecure in this way. Some level of communication is not working, your monkey brain is receiving a message that likely is not intended to be sent. Suggest marriage counseling to help figure that out.
As appropriate to the points above, consider writing him a letter if he will not listen to you.
Drama like this is why my former employer stopped having Christmas parties.
Apologising doesn’t undo the damage you have done to your relationship and his work life. You seem more focused on moving forward, and ‘getting forgiveness’. how can he do either of these things when it’s clear you haven’t changed. When was your last jealousy blow up?
I suspect he may be withdrawing from your daughter too because you make all of his relationships about you.
Take a step back and focus on what’s best for your daughter. I hope you give him the space to figure out how he can be in his daughters life that also allows him to be happy too. Even if that means he’s no longer in a relationship with you.
You are abusing your husband. You say your jealousy is a recurring issue, and then your example of what that means is losing it, throwing a scene, throwing insults and making threats. All of this at his work event, so you are also publically humiliating him and trying to get him fired. If that’s how you act in public, I’m afraid to know how you treat him and your child behind closed doors.
It sounds like he has checked out of the marriage due to your abusive behavior. It’s possible he may choose to divorce you. Please let him. Respect his boundaries.
I guess the good news for you is that it’s pretty rare for abuse victims to successfully leave their abusers. So there’s a good chance you will be able to continue abusing him, or change if you would like. If you actually truly want to fix this, don’t bother pursue couples counseling, that is not recommended when one partner is abusing the other. I would reccomend individual counseling for yourself, and working on getting to a point where you no longer have screaming fits in public. Or behind closed doors.
What other “issues” with jealousy have you had? Because people don’t go to therapy and then explode on someone out of nowhere. You admit this has been a problem and it seems like your husband is at the point where he cannot take it anymore.
What exactly have you done that got him to this point?
Yeah he’s going to leave and I don’t blame him. Jealous people shouldn’t be in relationships, all they do is tear their partner down.
You caused drama at his workplace. You were a guest who behaved badly. Sometimes it is irreparable. I don’t know if you are back to work already but you may have caused a problem at the place that supports your whole family.
You deserve to lose him based on your actions. You ruined his reputation and it will take him years to get it back at that company now. He is without question now known as the guy with the crazy wife who thinks he is cheating on her. On top of that now without question there are people at his work who will no longer associate with him at all as they think he cheats on his wife.
I feel so bad for him. Your actions are most men’s biggest fear.
I would be done if I were him. This is perhaps an issue he can’t move past. Give him his space, he needs to sort through this and you need to sincerely apologize but beyond that he has to decide if he can forgive or not.
As someone who has said many things that don’t remember under the influence, the reality I have learned is that being intoxicated doesn’t excuse anything. The phrase “As a result [of the alcohol] I totally lost it” is an excuse. You can’t blame alcohol for what you’ve done just like you can’t blame an AI for what the programmers have done. Alcohol is not sentient. Alcohol doesn’t make choices: you do.
When your inhibitions and rehearsed personality are removed, you are revealed as a jealous, violent shrew who can’t be trusted to act responsible in public. And as your husband said “this is the last straw” to you, it shouldn’t be the surprise you’re acting like it is. Especially if you have not only had serious talks already not only about your general jealousy, but have been set straight about this particular coworker in the past. You have shown your husband that his commitment means nothing to you and you don’t trust him. Regardless of the fact that your jealousy stems from insecurity, you’re hurting your partner.
You are not mature enough to be in a serious relationship. It sounds like your husband is miles more mature than you, and if this isn’t already a parent-child relationship it sounds like that’s where it’s heading. You are asking what you can do to make things better and there might not be a way. He might really be done with you this time. And you will have to accept that it was your behavior that caused it. Still curious about all the other straws that were left out of this story for this to be his last straw.
Another comment called you abusive. I agree. Either you are a very not-self-aware person and you don’t know you’re doing it, or you’re putting on an innocent show for this post. Either way, at least open the occasion you have described, you were absolutely abusive to your husband.
Some comments are saying: “But why is her aBaNdOnInG his ChIlD??” and I am curious: do you allow him time with her without you around, or are you hoarding the baby so that in order to spend time with her he has to spend time with you? Because that’s parental alienation and if I were him I would bring that up to my divorce lawyer. It would show you don’t have the child’s best interest at heart. Do the right thing and give him time with his daughter without you. If time with the baby comes with compulsory time with you, that is abusive and manipulative.
Sure you’ve apologized, but have you acknowledged your major character flaws? Have you committed to change? You thought you’d resolved your problems but clearly you didn’t. You fucked up. There may be no way out. Just try to act like an adult while he makes his choice if he hasn’t already.
I thought you deleted the post and your account because you were dogpiled on so hard because everyone thinks you messed up and your husband is in the right.
Weren’t you in AITAH?
It didn’t go well for you.
Why?
Because darling…you are the AH.
Maybe don’t get stupid drunk at your partner’s work and then make a scene…
This is the second time you’ve posted this today, I’m assuming because the vast majority of the responses the first time weren’t in your favour. Maybe take the advice you got last time on board instead of looking for different answers?
info: is he avoiding your child because you won’t allow him to be alone with the baby? do you insist on being in the room or in the space simultaneously? is he able to spend time with the baby independent of you, without you trying to bend his ear or apologise or justify your behaviour?
Tbh, I don’t think your emotionally mature to be in a relationship. Any relationship you enter into is probably going to end up the same bc it’s a YOU problem. You need to start asking yourself “why am I like this? Why am I hurting my partner so bad to the point where he stops communication?” Ut sounds as if he doesn’t give you any reason for your behaviour but you still act a fool and bring him down. Can you imagine what this is doing to his spirit, mind and body? Put yourself in his shoes, would you be able to tolerate such a person and still want to be with them after all you put him through? Sounds like he’s at the end of his rope and I know you know it too. Atp I don’t think he even wants to fix it anymore but if you really want things to work, you need to face your inner demons and quit taking your problems out on him.
1. You have humiliated your husband in front of his coworkers and potentially set back his career.
2. He must also be emotionally exhausted from having to deal with you and your jealousy.
I’m not sure your relationship is salvageable at this point. It would take a massive leap of faith for your husband to forgive you.
I think it would be very interesting to hear your husband’s side of this story, especially regarding your take on him stepping back from his baby. It sounds like you may be manipulative and trying to get some sympathy where you can because you know you’ve really messed up.
Noting you only made excuses (it’s not my fault – I was pregnant, haven’t had alcohol in a year etc)in your post and you also said ‘my baby’ not ‘our baby’!
Anyhoo, as my grandkids say… Sorry doesn’t fix it!
You can only treat a man like crap for so long before he is just DONE. Once they are done… They are DONE good luck but this seems to be the beginning of the end.
If I’m being honest, and I hate to be blunt but he’s tired of you, I would be. You did this in front of ALL his co-workers, his boss, you’re an embarrassment. If he’s like me he’s weighing the pro’s and the con’s of staying or leaving. He cannot take you to any work function again. Can’t take you to have a drink and just hang out because he has no idea when the next time will be. It isn’t about, OH, I’LL STOP DRINKING, that isn’t the problem. The problem is YOU, period. What are you jealous about? You don’t sound jealous to me, you sound absolutely insecure with yourself. Jealous of what? Your his wife, your the mother of his child, so jealous of what? No, you’re insecure and until you figure out why and put in the work your going to do this again and again and he knows that. You did therapy. You did it anyway.
He’s thinking if he should stay because he can’t trust you. If I were him, I would leave you if you embarrassed me in front of my co-workers. What you did, the entire office is looking at him every time he comes in, they gossip about, “did you see his batshit crazy wife at the party?” That’s what is happening. Stop talking, stop apologizing cause they are nothing but empty words that he doesn’t want to hear. Do the work AND HOPE he has a little more patience because I wouldn’t.
OP, alcohol didn’t make you do anything. It doesn’t matter that you haven’t drunk anything in a year and your tolerance was low.
You’re in a situation that is way beyond apology. You need to demonstrate accountability and action. Accountability means not blaming anyone or anything for your choices. No “well I hadn’t drunk in over a year” or “my jealousy got out of control because she calls him too much”.
You need to say to him “I fucked up. Badly. And this is what I’m doing to make sure it doesn’t happen again.”
– don’t just promise to do therapy, book yourself in and start going
– same deal with alcohol
– no promises, only actions and choices
You can’t make him forgive you, and he probably can’t forgive you right now because you haven’t demonstrated real change to him.
You can tell him you want a relationship with him, and that you want to build a life that makes you both very happy. But until he can actually see that you’re making that happen by really working on yourself, it’s all just words.
He gets to feel however he feels. Don’t make it about yourself, don’t manipulate him with big displays of distress. Make a plan to be better and give him space, time and love.
He should help you with your daughter though. She did nothing wrong. Good luck OP
You embarrassed him and also he lost professional credibility which is so hard and takes years to build. It will take a long time. The damage to him internally at the company can’t be measured.
Did your account get randomly banned, or did you delete your post because every person told you you couldn’t come back from this and absolutely fucked up your marriage? How do you apologize for this? You don’t. He gave you chance after chance and you absolutely embarrassed him *at a work function*.
Yeah don’t know how you’re going to get past this one. I feel awful for your husband. You should be so embarrassed. You couldn’t be tactful for a single night? Seriously? Grow the hell up and stop acting like a trashy college party girl.
You embarrassed him in front of his whole work. Honestly your behaviour is ending your marriage. It will continue to erode. If you loved him you’d let him go. Honestly. You need to check if you have borderline personality disorder. My ex friend acted like this and was diagnosed. She is medicated, sees a therapist etc and is still a bit crazy but better than what she was.
I saw the original post; YTA.
You are neurotically insecure and insanely controlling. Your husband is rightfully done with your shit, and no, there is nothing you can do to win him back at this point. Go to therapy and get the help you need so you can be a decent mother to your kid.
YTA. Oh, wait, that’s the other sub where you posted and got roasted. You ruined a perfectly good husband. Now you get to deal with the fallout.
Do you realize you embarrassed your husband at his work, the source of his income and investment for career? Surely you do, right? Tell him you won’t risk that again by going to his work events again
I’m just going to copy and paste my comment from the original post.
You publicly accused his co-worker of being your husbands mistress and threatened her during a work event; you could have cost your husband his job! Yet your post is all “me, me, me.”
He told you this was the last straw and is emotionally distancing himself from you. He’s planning on divorcing you and I don’t blame him.