*I didn’t want to post this in* r/DeadBedrooms *because although that sub is good for similar situations, it often is overly negative with the so much of the feedback being “divorce” or “leave her”*
I \[26M\] and SO \[26F\] have been together for 4 years now. Over time, we have had less and less sex – especially the last 3-6 months. at first it was 2-3 times a week (honeymoon phase), then it dropped to once a week.
we both established that because we have FT jobs that can get stressful, and because we are often busy, **once a week was the perfect amount.** I with a higher libido would be okay with 3-4x a week, however, I recognize that she has a lower libido, so Im happy to pull back frequency and find it makes the moment more intimate.
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however, this last year, it slowly moved to once every two weeks, and **now the last 3 months, its only once every 3-4 weeks.**
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to answer any quick common Qs about this:
1. the sex itself is great
2. I go down on her every time – she orgasms every time
3. I have good hygiene & workout
4. I always make sure to give ample foreplay/relaxation to get her in the mood
5. I avoid constant attempts (avoiding initiating at all for 6-7 days after having sex, then slowly trying more each additional week after)
6. **we have talked about this**
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To continue the last point – I never get mad, upset, but multiple times we have discussed the issue. I express how I feel she doesn’t desire me, but also how I want to have intimacy more than just once a month.
She agrees, and assures me its not me, and expresses that she can be aloof at times, but also sometimes get stressed and forgets. But the conversation ends the same: reassurance that she thinks about sex too, and that we will make an effort to increase the frequency again. We then end up having sex within the next day or two… **and then its back to waiting 3-4 more weeks.**
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I also have gotten more and more timid at initiating even though she states “sometimes you have to remind me, I get a lot on my mind so I may not realize its been a while”. Somedays I think “later tonight, im just gonna do it. Initiate obviously and just go for it”… but then I get too scared like im a teenager again. This is mainly due to constant rejections:
\- “im too tired…no not tonight…. im stressed… im about to start/on my/just got over my period…. I have a headache… my back hurts… my stomach feels funny… I just want to relax tonight”
\- having my hand moved away when I slowly start to initiate physically
\- “no touching boobs, only cuddle tonight”
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*… all of the above happening over and over makes it seem as though thats all I want but in reality im just trying to initiate intimacy more than once a month*
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**TLDR:**
I’m kind of lost.
Tonight, even when the time seems right, we are laying in bed cuddling on a Friday night at 8pm, nothing going on… I try and make a move, but it just isn’t the right time and I get rejected again.
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When I bring this up in conversation (never argumentative), its the same thing on repeat about how she understands, has been thinking about it too, how we should try new things and that we will do it more, but it never plays out and its a constant repetition of rejection.
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I honestly don’t know what to do and need advice
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