I apologise for my tone, but I am at the end of a very long tether. Husband and I have been together 20 years, married 12.5 and have one child (9F). We’ve been in a dead bedroom for the majority of this time, almost entirely due to his issues around anxiety, depression, laziness and anger. In short, he is an absolute nightmare to be married to. He is an overgrown petulant child with a good job, so he can fool everyone else into thinking he’s a functioning adult.
We’ve split in the past and I returned due to his manipulation (threatened to kill himself) but absolutely nothing changed. We were thrown back together just before lockdown, which was intense, so we started counselling again last year to work out some issues. Every session involved me just sitting there while he had a 1:1 with the counsellor about his behaviour and the reasons behind it. We got nowhere.
As we aren’t intimate at all, I suggested we look into opening the relationship if he didn’t want to agree to divorce. He said yes, so I’ve gone down that route. I asked him if he’d rather me sleep with other men than divorce and he said yes. I’m happy with my decision, as after years of me trying, the thought of him even coming near me nowadays makes my skin crawl. Now, as he flat refuses to entertain the idea of separation (says he’ll walk out of our daughter’s life completely if we leave), I would at least like him to step up and become a husband, not a housemate.
I’m sure I’ll get shit for this but if I’m to be forced to be married to this man on his insistence, then surely he needs to bring something other than money? I’m the slightly higher earner anyway and can survive on my own, so I don’t rely on him. I also do all household and kid related admin and the majority of the housework etc etc. I cant kick him out as we co-own the house and I can’t leave as the rental market is too competitive atm. So all I ask is for him to bring something to the relationship as a compromise.
I’m currently 2 days post op from having all my wisdom teeth removed under GA. Considering he wants to be my husband, he has done the absolute bare minimum to help. My head is woozy and I’m in pain and on a liquid diet for the time being. All he and my daughter have done all day is give attitude, shout at me, shout at each other and tell me that I’m “being too sensitive”. Bitch, I can’t even open my mouth properly to get the damn soup spoon in, so forgive me for not having the patience for your 1000 questions. His anger this time is allegedly because I said I was hungry and lightheaded at 5:45 and we don’t normally eat until after 6, so I had to wait for him to microwave some soup (he literally never ever cooks, so this is a huge deal) I’d been walking around shopping with him all day, I was exhausted. But apparently I’m too sensitive.
So now I’m laying in bed while my daughter has shut herself in her room refusing to talk to me because I’m “selfish” and he’s throwing things around downstairs in a bad mood. How the fuck do I get this human shit stain out of my life?!
Edit: Forgot to add that we’ve hardly spoken unless necessary since NYE when he decided to start an argument with me in front of visiting family, to the point where my aunt had to interject. He usually saves that shit for when we’re at home, so doing it in front of extended family was a new one. I’ve barely been able to talk to him since unless I absolutely have to.