I’m overflowing with different emotions right now.

I was pretty normal last year, everything is quite alright, I’m the same old me, your typical dude, not good looking kinda tall (5’11) with a proper physique and a big nerd/introvert. I’m surrounded with small circle of friends that I sometimes talk with, and I am also part of our community choir, I sing and play the guitar. This happen back in July 2020, I’ve been into biking back then and one of the girls in the choir I am part of took a liking on it too, so I let her join me sometimes. We were never really close but we know each other I was not really paying attention to her and I know she just wanted to join my routine.

Our first ride was nearby, a seminary with chapels and everything. It was actually fun even though it was pretty hard since the road is pretty steep. This thing happened several times, biking with her alone, talking and stuff, then others join us, I even created a vlog because the place was pretty. That was the only time we had friends? join us. Things are now going smoothly, it’s been 3 or 5 months already and when I’m with her, everything is so peaceful, and time goes by without me noticing it. We are now exchanging chats online, and we also watched anime movies together in Discord, and she was interested in this game I was playing called “Valorant” so she downloaded it too. I taught her the basics and I guess she was enjoying it.

We exchange rants in life, things we love, hate, we have in common, and other things that can’t be explained in words, it was pure and wholesome, I’ve never felt something like that in my whole life. Then summer happened, April 2022 she was leaving for vacation for days, and she said that there will be no connection or signal there. So for days we didn’t have a chance to talk, I was thinking about her for no reason, I don’t know why.. then she came back after 4 days, she said she didn’t enjoy her vacation and it was only exhausting, I asked her what happened and we talked about it, but I think she enjoyed it.

The next day she asked me out to bike, chill ride within the village. We stopped in a nearby playground and sit in the swing, It’s like every time I’m with her there is this feeling of happiness? or some sort of joy that I can’t explain, we talked about our differences, and our pasts, then suddenly she says that she will be in a vacation again but this time it’ll be for weeks, I say well enjoy and have fun. She left, and I felt loneliness, I don’t know what to do, then she chat me, receiving gave me a light of hope, we talked for hours until we fell asleep, the same thing happened the other day. Then she stopped. I thought she was just busy, but 5 days has passed and I didn’t receive any, so I contacted her and we talked, but.. it was empty, It’s not the same vibe I feel when I’m talking to her so I asked if she’s okay.. she said yes.
She came back after 2 weeks of her vacation, we didn’t talk, nor play games anymore. I don’t know what to do.. I’m left with emptiness and I felt incomplete for some reason. Then I asked one of my friends, “what am I feeling right now?” he then says “It’s love for sure”. He says that the only way for me to get rid of this feelings is to confess. So I did, she was online and I send her a long message pertaining to the feelings I’m having for her, she just ignored it. After 3 days she didn’t even seen the message even if she’s online, and I’m sure she already read it, so I unsend the long message and just leave it at that.

I left. The community choir where I met her, the game, I ignored every single people in my chat, I left everything behind, I felt various emotions to the point another me is talking in my head. It was chaotic, outside I was smiling but inside I was dead, because of that single encounter with a certain person. People can’t see it, I was smiling like there’s nothing wrong, I was questioning myself. Am I me? Who’s the real me? Right now, all I feel is hollowness, a void. I don’t know what’s wrong with me, what’s wrong with me?