Am I selfish for not wanting to date a woman with a child?

25 comments

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2. No.

3. Nah. Don’t waste your or their time.

4. It’s your life. Why would someone else’s opinion have more weight than your own about things they don’t have to live with?

5. No. Kids are a big deal and take a lot of time etc. If you’re dating a parent, even if you don’t meet the kid, you still get the part of parenting where everything has to revolve around the kid. Cancelled plans at the last minute, intimate times have to be scheduled around the kid, or get interrupted. For some people that’s fine. If it’s not for you then you should be honest about it and not waste your time or theirs.
   It’s totally fair to have kids as a dealbreaker. Especially if you don’t want kids yourself.

6. I’d say you should feel more comfortable with more rules. Doesn’t smoke, no kids, financially responsible, religious views, etc etc. these are all key things that make or break marriages so why not filter them out while dating. Find out what’s important to and draw the line where it’s important to.

7. There’s nothing wrong with that, but you might want to reconsider the “biological” child bit. No woman wants to feel like her relationship is dependent on her womb. If you found your person I would hope that you would stand by her if for some reason she couldn’t have biological kids. And that you would be happy adopting or not having kids.

8. No who wants baby drama all the time

9. As a woman : no.
   Dating without children and without an ex that will always be there to stay is easier.

   But : You’re assuming that you have to fulfill the position of a father. This is not necessarily the case. I have 3 children from a previous relationship and my boyfriend is my boyfriend and not a stepfather. The children have a father already. I expect my boyfriend to be nice to my children, respect that I’m a mother before anything else, and that’s all. But we don’t live together. And some women like to re-create a family life with their new partner.

   And: From a certain age it’s getting harder to find a date who doesn’t have children.

10. Absolutely not.

    Why are you obligated to spent your time, money, energy, and effort on someone else’s children if you don’t want to?

    Here is a question for you.

    If the woman was rich and had 3 kids, would you date or marry her? You don’t need to spend any money on the kids.

11. “Selfish”? Selfish would be the opposite: dating someone with children who you would resent, and who would be the cause of the inevitable breakup. You’d be wasting everyone’s time. Fuck anyone and everyone who thinks or says that not wanting kids is selfish. As if they’re better than anyone somehow for shitting out a kid? It’s all about choices. If you don’t want children, that’s a deal-breaker for a single mother, and any woman who knows she wants children. You should feel comfortable with your personal feelings.

    People who want children should make them.
    People who don’t, shouldn’t.

    These two groups should also not disparage each other for their choice and preference.

12. It’s thinking about your own responsibilities and your capabilities. It’s your own want and standard.

    A child is an insane amount of responsibility. Dating a mom means you have to be okay with that part because there is a close to zero chance it will ever go away.

    The reverse is also not automatically true. Wanting to date a woman with a kid is not automatically selfless. So you do you.

13. Nope. It’s perfectly understandable. I seen some podcast where a guy broke it down. If you date a woman with a child inevitably you will grow attached to the kid. It’s human nature. Now if you break up you kinda lose both the woman and the bond with the kid.

    If I were a single guy and a girl had a kid it wouldn’t be a deal breaker but I’d think about it and not meet the kid for a month or 2

14. No. You will never come first in the relationship. There will be drama. You will be expected to shoulder all the responsibilities for the kid(s) without an equal amount of authority over them. Besides, no man wants to raise another man’s kid(s).

    I gave it up about 30 years ago.

15. I am a happy, grateful, loved step father. I would advocate it for anyone who wants it. But if you don’t want it, it’s okay. It’s a huge commitment, and not something to be taken in lightly. It’s not selfish to know you don’t want something. It would be more selfish to not give that child the love they deserve just to be with their mother.

16. No, you’re not.

17. Nope. You don’t work at the airport; you’re not a baggage handler.

18. No. It’s your life. So you get to decide how you spend it.

19. You’re not selfish. In fact, I’m glad that you’re self-aware enough to know that before entering a relationship.

20. No, this goes both ways and it’s understandable.

    Just don’t be a jerk like far too many women I’ve come across on dating apps. I list that I have kids, I have a photo of me with my kids. They like me first (Hinge) so I engage with them. After some good banter but still working out if they worth dating I will drop in a line or two about my kids and the number who ghost at that point simply blows my mind.
    I get it’s not for everyone, no issues there. They just need to be honest with themselves at the start because It’s such a waste of my time.

    I’ve got kids so I don’t have this time to waste.

21. No. If you don’t want children right now, then it would be irresponsible of you to date women with children.

22. no.

    > When I speak to female friends, some have the most ridiculous “icks” that put them off some men

    women get to be picky because they are spoiled for choice. so they can get the satisfaction out of rejecting men for most absurd things. and since by nature they want the best man possible, they will keep rejecting anyone for anything. as a saying goes, if a woman wants 10 things in a man, and her partner has 7 our of those – she will leave him for a guy who has just 3 of those, but different ones.

    women thrive off attention and the more and the better men they get to reject, the better they feel about themselves. “all those guys took their shot, and they weren’t good enough for ME. clearly, i deserve better.”

    back to your question, a woman with child is a serious deal breaker for me. it’s male nature really. we want to raise our own children, instead of investing into raising another man’s offspring.

    firstly, i would feel cheated out of having children with her. even if we were to plan for children later, the other child is always in the picture. and so is its father, unless he passed away.

    secondly, that is not my child and i will likely be spending time with it, whether i like it or not, that child might bond with me. if a mother catches an ‘ick’, it will hurt the child. it will hurt me twice.

    thirdly, i am not a parent of said child and i get no say about its life. all the responsibilities of a father figure will likely be expected of me, no privileges of being one. some women actually try to keep their kids out of the relationship (if they are old enough to live on their own), and i think this is even worse. i am to be her partner and she shuts her family away from me?

    fourthly, a single parent is single for a reason. unless it due to an accident, there is some emotional baggage involved. relationship issues, personal issues, mental problems – you never know. she might be jaded from an awful divorce and will never trust another man again. or she wanted a divorce because she could not live in a marriage. who knows who was at fault, but it’s usually a bit of that on either side.

    fifthly, that child will always be number one in her life. i get that the father takes second place in the mother’s eyes once a child gets born, but at least it’s his child. in this situation he’s not really building his family. to her you will always be an outsider that’s expected to play father, and provide for her family with zero benefit.

    finally, one day the father might come back into their life. that might drive a serious wedge into the relationship and complicate things. you never know.

    honestly, is it really worth the trouble? i would only say yes if either you cannot have children or you are also a single parent. do not let yourself get shamed into being with a single mother. if that is what you truly want – go for it. otherwise, disregard all the peer pressure and be with a person you truly want to be with.

23. No, its a very common dealbreaker. Having to deal with a stepchild is a lot of effort and not everyone is willing to deal with that.

24. Why would it be bad to be selfish about who you date?

25. You don’t date a single mom. You date her kids as well. If you don’t want to do that then no it is fine. Deal breakers don’t have to be red flags. It can just be what you don’t want in a relationship