Hi everyone,
To give some background: my girlfriend and I have been together for 9 months, but we knew each other as friends for awhile before that. We also don’t live together.
Health, wellness and fitness are one of the biggest priorities in my life. I’m serious about eating real/whole foods, cutting out toxic food/products, lifting weights, and generally living a clean lifestyle. I lean towards the “homeopathic” or “natural” side of things, but I’m not crazy about it. I believe in balance and see a real medical doctor, etc. I’ll also have some fun too – I have a cocktail or eat some fast food every once in awhile.
When we were friends, she knew this about me, but it never really came up much in conversation. I didn’t know how she felt about it or how she lived. Over time, we got closer as friends, and I became more drawn to her because of how well we clicked personality-wise and morally. I always thought she was a pretty girl, I just didn’t have a “love at first sight” type of reaction when we first met. I eventually asked her out and we starting dating.
During the time that we’ve been together, I’ve learned more about how she lives. To be blunt – she eats a lot of sugar, gets fast food multiple times a week, rarely ever cooks for herself, has some unhealthy cosmetic habits, and doesn’t work out very much.
This didn’t bother me a ton at first because:
\- I didn’t see it as much at first, because we were still learning each other in the relationship
\- I fully understand that a person’s health journey takes time. I used to be pretty unhealthy, and it took me awhile to get where I’m at.
\- I don’t expect my SO to be the exact same way as me in this area. I get that I take it more seriously than the average person, and that’s okay with me.
However, it’s been bothering me more and more lately. We’re starting to get more serious, and I need to decide if this is the girl I might want to marry someday.
To be blunt again – she’s a bit overweight, and has been gaining more weight during the time that we’ve been together. Despite saying that she wants to lose weight, and feels a bit self-conscious about it, she’s done very little to actually change things. While I’m still attracted to her overall, the attraction has been waning. It’s unattractive to me that she’s been gaining it and will continue to gain it if things don’t change. Her weight isn’t the only thing that bothers me, but it’s part of it.
You’re probably thinking “have you talked to her about it?” And yes, I have. Two separate times we’ve had a deep conversation about it, and its come up in smaller moments throughout the relationship.
Since it’s important to me, it’s something I also comment on often just in general conversation.
The first time we talked about it was about 4 months ago. Obviously, it’s a sensitive subject, so I tried to approach it as gracefully/thoughtfully as I could. For one, I always tell her that I think she’s beautiful inside and out, and I made sure to do so when I brought it up. I can’t explain all the nuances of the conversation in a reddit post, but in short: I let her know that health is a huge priority for me, that I want my partner to value it as well, that I genuinely care about her wellbeing, and that it doesn’t seem to me that she prioritizes it.
The conversation actually went very well. She said she understood that it’s important to me, and wanted to put more effort into it cause she wants it to be important to her too. She recognized that it’s an area she could improve in and desires to. I promised her I would always encourage her and support her in her efforts. Some tears were shed, we hugged it out, and carried on.
When we had our second deep conversation about a month or so later, it kind of just came up naturally. And she expressed again she was unhappy specifically with her weight. I offered to help her since I’m knowledgeable in that area. And so we sat down together, and I gave her some general easy lifestyle changes she can make. It was received well, and again we carried on.
Unfortunately, even after having these conversations, nothing has changed. Even when I’m around her, she’ll eat lots of desserts, drink soda, get fast food, etc. She works out occasionally, but it’s probably 1-2x a month.
I don’t know where to go from here. I really care about her, and we get along great. We agree on most other things… But this is kind of a deal breaker for me. I’ve tried to lead by example, I’ve invited her to cook with me, I’ve invited her to come to the gym with me, and it hasn’t happened. It’s to the point where I’m debating breaking up with her. I’d rather try to work through it with her, but I don’t know what else I can do…
Before ending I do want to reiterate: it’s not only about the weight for me. Like I said before, I don’t expect her to live exactly like I do, but if she’s not least somewhat into the lifestyle I live, I don’t know if it’s going to work out.
I’ve struggled with feeling like I’m being too shallow with this. Or that I’m being too superficial. Or that maybe I have unrealistic expectations. Maybe that could be true? But I can’t deny that it’s how I’m feeling, and I think about it everyday. I’d appreciate any insight. Thanks!
TLDR: I’m serious about living a healthly/clean lifestyle and my girlfriend is not. I’m trying to decide if I should break up with her because of it, or try to work through it.