Hi! This happens every time I throw a party or event – over the last year or two I’ve thrown birthday parties, had a wedding, and most recently a baby shower for myself.
I am always incredibly anxious in the lead up to the events – is anyone going to turn up? How embarrassing is it if they don’t? Will they enjoy themselves? During the event I am much the same – I feel like I’m constantly worrying that everyone is entertained enough to a point where I don’t have a great time myself, even though in theory I am having a nice time talking to everyone I always feel very detached. I feel guilty if I speak to one group or person for what feels like too long.
Afterwards is a whole other level – I feel completely empty, drained, depressed and wanting to cry. I can barely think about anything else. The same sort of questions – did everyone enjoy themselves? Are they lying to me / just saying it when they say they did (seeing as I now lie when people ask me if I’ve had a nice time afterwards)? I dwell on specific interactions and judge if I made enough effort with certain people.
Something to note is I don’t experience this if I’ve thrown the party for someone else – I recently organised a party for my mum but didn’t feel any of these feelings at all.
My question is – how normal is this? What could be causing it? What can I do to prevent it happening? I’ve accepted that throwing a large party is not for me – but I forget every time and in theory, just want to see everyone I love in one place. But it never works out how I want it to in my head and it sends me on a spiral. I am 34 weeks pregnant which doesn’t help this time around but it does happen every time!