Tl;dr: My girlfriend is pretty insistent on getting married before she deploys overseas but I’m hesitant even though I want to as well. I’m just unsure if it’s the right decision.
To add a little more context, my gf and I have been dating a little under a year and about a month ago we’ve been seriously discussing marriage. She’s in the Army and I was aware of this pretty early in the relationship knowing the difficulties associated with that and she was pretty upfront about the fact that later this year she would be deployed overseas for around 9 months.
We’re both dating to marry and we both have said that we pictured ourselves dating someone for around a year and then decide to get married. This deployment however is timed very poorly for that timeline. It would basically put us being married for a month or two before she’s gone for a long time. On top of that it would be a pretty big transition for me as I have been living at home while I work full time and go to school. It should also be mentioned that we have what I see as pretty substantial religious differences that we’re trying to come to a concensus on which I would like to have resolved before getting married.
She on the other hand is living in the barracks and I think we all know that’s not exactly the best housing and she wants to get out of there and not have to go back when she comes home from overseas. She’s also talked about the financial benefits to having a spouse while deployed to a combat zone, namely housing being paid for and the separation pay. On top of all of this she feels like it will be a struggle for her trying to plan a wedding after the deployment. Additionally she thinks it would be good for me to move out of my parents’ house and foster some independence while she’s gone, which is something I have been wanting despite the obvious benefits to getting to live at home. Also there’s the obvious benefit of sleeping with each other since we both want to wait until we’re married to partake of that.
My parents don’t think it’s a good idea to pursue marriage before the deployment mainly for the religious differences not being worked out and for the instability inherent with the military. On top of that they don’t want any extra burden put on me since I am kinda swamped between work and school. Her parents were initially telling her that she should consider waiting but they have since said that they would support whatever decision she made.
When I’ve spoken about my reservations she basically accuses me of not loving her enough to take the chance and get married. I’m a cautious person and she is not that cautious so she basically is saying she wants me to step out of my comfort zone.
The point though is that I really love her and we’re compatible to the point that even this far into things we’re still able to talk for hours and have fun together. The last month has been stressful for us both with religious and marriage discussions though. My heart is saying to marry her but my head is saying it’s not a good idea. I know the statistics on military relationships and I don’t want to rush things faster than they should be but if it weren’t for the deployment I don’t think I’d be having the crisis I’m in right now.
I just need some advice from unbiased sources here so I’d appreciate any that I could get.
8 comments
Marriage is not solely about love. It’s a huge financial decision. She wants to marry so she can live off-base and earn Basic Allowance for Subsistence (BAS) and Basic Allowance for Housing (BAH) in addition to her base pay. It’s not because it’s the right time to take the next step in your relationship.
You can move out of your parents’ home if it’s the right thing for you to do. I don’t think it’s a good idea to marry someone who’s leaving for nine months. If it’s the right thing for you both, you can marry when she gets back. If you have significant religious differences, you’re probably facing dealbreakers that can be kicked down the road until she returns. Will she say you don’t love her enough to set your religion aside?
There is no way I would be getting married in your shoes. The religious differences are a huge factor and may be a dealbreaker on their own. She feels like you do not have enough independence, and that needs to be ironed out before marriage is even considered. You are already swamped with work and school – adding planning a wedding and getting married on top of that is probably not smart. Also, I know this probably goes against your religion, but I’ve always found that you don’t get a full picture of your partner until you are able to live with them full-time for an extended period and share the same space on a day-to-day basis. You see newer sides of your partner compared to when you are just hanging out or staying with each other short term. Additionally, you have no real gauge for what your sex life is going to be like. If you’re not going to live together before marriage, the sex question and what it’s like to live with each other will be big questions hanging over things, so it would be good to at least have all the other issues ironed out before you take the plunge.
A lot of her reasons for wanting to get married seem to be that it will make her lifestyle better, and not really that you two know you are such a great fit and are well-aligned on your priorities and will be able to make it work.
IMO if you take marriage seriously, you should take a slower road toward it and make sure it’s the right choice for you. You shouldn’t get engaged/married until you’re 100% sure about things.
You need to get married because you actually WANT to BE married.
There is no other good reason to marry
>To add a little more context, my gf and I have been dating a little under a year
That’s enough to get a no from me. It’ll be less than 2 years by the time she deploys. Still no
“…my gf and I have been dating a little under a year”
Nope, DON’T DO IT! You’ll be back here posting how one of you cheated because of a RUSHED marriage and for all the wrong reasons too! Do not FORCE THIS. Marriage along with love come naturally not with some sort of deadline and especially not in less than a year.
My wife and I were both in the military and got married in a short time, barely 100 days (no kids) for similar reasons, though not exactly your situation. It was about making decisions and moving forward, neither of us being keen on waiting to start our lives together. Ended up being deployed from each other for about four months total. 40 years later, still together, glad we did it.
absolutely the fuck not
Divorce is more expensive than whatever she thinks she’s going to make by being married.