Title says it. I am, 42F, dating a man, 46M for 2 years. We both have children. We are both divorced. We have the same values, outlook on life, our lifestyles are very similar. I was in a abusive relationship beforehand. My ex- the only person I dated long term beside my ex-HB (son’s dad) was financially and physically abusive, a heavy drinker. He was very good at concealing all that until we moved in together. After I ended the relationship he stalked me for a year that ended in SA. I’ve been in therapy, did a lot of work on myself. Certainly much less trusting and a lot more cautious.
Thankfully my son, 13M, only knows he was not kind to me/us.
Where I have questions regarding my current SO- he was very quick to want to get married and live together. I prefer my son to have a safe and solid home for the few years until he is an adult and not having to deal with adjusting to a blended family.
He said he accepts this, however most conversations make me feel he only did for me not because that’s what he truly wants.
He is only divorced for 2.5 years and almost seem he is rushing as it would make his life easier.
His kids- 14M and 11F still struggle with their parents separation and their new life. He has them 50/50, on his days off, I have my son 90% of the time. His house is always a mess. Always says he has no time to keep up. His kids have no chores and their rooms are a disaster. He has ‘dad guilt’ and caters to them a lot. I have a good relationship with them however felt I was at times a free baby sitter and free housecleaner but not allowed to ask them to help or teach them how to do chores so I pulled back. He starts projects- around the house, business ideas, etc. and does not follow through. Makes an income that most dream of and has no savings or anything to show for it. He says his ex-wife wasn’t good with finances. He keeps talking about saving, future and investments together then spends on something or want to go on a trip out of the blue and if I say its not what we agreed on, takes it as I am not ‘fun’ and don’t let him to treat me well.
He has been overly jealous of friendships I had before him. I have hobbies, sports that aren’t female dominated, so I had male and female acquittances equally. He said he was intimidated by how outgoing and independent I am and has a hard time trusting after being cheated on both by his ex-wife and a woman he saw after. I can understand and have always been transparent however it’s a dynamic I strongly feel has no place in a healthy relationship. Mutual communication and respect does. He says he is working on it and just needs time but living together would help him feel more secure.
All of this can be ‘life circumstance’ or it can be a ‘problem’.
I am not perfect by no means. I come with my own issues but always worked full-time, have a solid career, always had savings, always took care of me and my son, our house was always tidy and raising him to be independent and responsible. I was happy on my own and don’t ‘need’ to be with someone unless it adds to my life long term.
Obviously due to my history, as confident as I am in any other areas, don’t trust myself regarding relationships.
How did one know at middle age with kids, baggage, imperfections etc they are with the person worth building a life with? How much did you overlook as ‘work in progress’ long as they were committed to work on them?