For quick context, I’m >30yrs old male. I’m not sure why I’m terrible at this. For some added context my profession is being a medical doctor (only a resident for now). I have hobbies skills outside of medicine such as baking/cooking, soccer, and am working towards getting my private pilot’s license. I’m not sure this ramble follows and logic or makes sense, but I’ve tried my best.
I never really started “dating” until I was about 29. I grew up terrified of women. If I didn’t like someone who liked me back, the consequences were quite severe, in one instance nearly getting expelled for a lie gone too far. If there was someone I liked, I generally didn’t understand how to court women so I came off as a creep. I entered college completely terrified of women, and didn’t have a sexual relationship after high-school (even kissing) until I was about 29. So at least up until that age I know why I was so bad with women. It was mostly self-inflicted, and I was extraordinarily defensive. There are reasons further than this for me being that way, but there’s not much of a point in telling them as it’s simply something I’ve worked on getting past.
Women, of all ages, have always told me I’m extremely handsome, fit, genuine, smart. They always assume I’m taking home several girls a week. Men, whether my friends or not, either are pissed I don’t take more advantage of it and actually do all that, or try to put me down given the chance.
To this day, if I reject a woman I’m seen as an asshole with too high of standards. If I reveal who I tend to go after it’s always “of course it’s the hot girl”. Women in my friend group, especially college, got extremely upset if I didn’t flirt back with them sometimes saying flat out things like “You’ll never find anyone to love you because no one is good enough for you.” I didn’t know how to voice my fears at that time to tell people just how terrified I was of women. All of them.
Just getting this first part out of the way to give context as to what my self-perception has been influenced by. Particularly feeling very guilty of who I am attracted to. To the point where sometimes I just don’t bother pointing out when I’m out with friends which woman I’m attracted to.
I’ve had a total of 7 sexual partners. None have been a one-night stand. I’ve always kept sex to someone that I either have built a decent attraction to through several quality dates, or the first date just went that well that it naturally flowed. Other than one very short “serious” relationship (which I admit, I forced, and never will again), all of these have been casual. From women who clearly enjoy casual relationships, to ones who claim they are strictly rule-driven and traditional. They all treat me the same.
They’re very suspicious that I even picked them. They never seem satisfied that I am actually into them. I get told very early on how “hot” I am, how “perfect” I am, they are “so lucky to be with me”. That quickly turns into “why did you start talking to me?” and the answer never seems to be good enough. This even happens on first dates when I barely know the person and sometimes all I truly have is “Honestly, talking to you felt easy and natural so I wanted to see what’s here”.
I’ve had women make up things I didn’t do to then pin on me as evidence of being a player such as giving an article of clothing that “wasn’t hers”, which turned out to be a concocted lie to push me a way. Being told I “trigger” them because I’m like their dad. That I “must be having a different woman a week” because guys like me can’t not do that. So on and so forth. Each one has a different way of letting me know I’m not to be trusted.
Nothing in the past 3 years has lasted longer than 3 months, if that. They always end up leaving for another man who either was “a friend” or was “someone they started liking”. It always seems to be a more physically domineering man than myself, I workout plenty but I’m not some specimen. Whenever that happens and they tell me the “Why”, if they do, it’s always as follows: “You’re literally perfect. You have everything I wanted. I don’t see a future with you though”.
That’s not sometimes, that’s every time. I want to say their view of men is the issue, but they’re all in serious relationships. Every time, the next man is the one they go with. Problem is, any of them I chance run into again, whether it’s their friends or them I get told how they’re still thinking about me, wanting me, and are “confused” that they still want me while being with their current bf. Some have ended up offering “FWB” just to have some fun because they “miss that part”.
This has led me to see myself as the issue. I don’t see another answer. I am the common denominator here. I’m not trusted by them and I don’t see myself as a person or a man to be trusted, but I’m not sure what I have done to make people see me that way. Men and women alike.
I’ve tried my best to self improve in the relationship aspect. I’ve read “The 5 love languages” several times. “How to be a 3% man” many times (and seen some success directly from this). Paid for dating coaches. Currently see a relationship therapist once/2mo (I can’t afford more right now). The therapist constantly says how I “have progressed so well so fast” in the two years she’s seen me, but I just don’t see it. I feel like when I talk to my therapist there’s inevitably a mask I put on that makes it seem like I’m doing great, despite telling her every detail even the ones I feel ashamed of such as going back to a few of these people.
I guess I’m just stuck here. I don’t know what I do wrong, and when I ask women I’ve been with the answers are not even answers, and I end up more confused. They end up trying to make it seem like they still want me, but stay with who they are with. I feel I understand myself and the problems with who I am even less, and it’s led me to lose faith and trust in women all together. The only ones I trust are those already in serious relationships and whom I figure are not attracted to me at all, and even then I’m extremely cautious.
If anyone can provide me some advice, some way to be able to show women I’m not there just for sex and I simply want someone to give to I’d greatly appreciate it. I’ll keep trying my best on my end, as much as I can.
Thanks.