When I was a child my first sexual experience was with an older cousin who pushed me into doing sexual things with him, when I didn’t even know what was going on. I feel gross and horrible about it because I enjoyed some of it, and sometimes when I masturbate I think about it which makes me feel horrible and guilty and disgusting and I think I’m a little broken because of it.
After that my brothers friend was “teaching me about sex” and I didn’t hate or like it, I just let him do things to me. My brother was in the room and he was a kid so I don’t think he really knew what he was doing but in the back of my mind I always think what if?
When I was around 11 I had a family friend who was 8 and me and her did sexual things together once. Although it was only one time, this was the worst for me because I was older than her, and I feel so disgusting because what if I messed her up? I contributed to the cycle and I feel so guilty and gross about it. I have avoided her since, but she lives in my mums area so I’m always worried I’ll bump into her, and she’ll be angry and tell everyone how disgusting and gross I am. I feel so guilty
The first guy I did sexual things with as an adult was so pushy. I would tell him not to do something like put his hands down my pants but he would try anyways, and I’d have to physically push him off me. He held me down and rubbed himself on me. The night I was going to sleep at his house for the first time over night, I broke up with him because I felt like we would end up having sex.
My ex was so lovely and sweet outside of the bedroom, but he pushes me all the time for sexual stuff. We have had sex over 10 times and he cums everytime but I have not cum once, I have never enjoyed it or come close. I tell him no, and he will keep pushing me, he also does stuff to me anyways even when I don’t want it. For example, I told him I didn’t want to give him a blowjob so many times, but he keep pushing my head, or rubbing his penis on my mouth, so I’ve given in and done it twice and I hated to both times. He called me frigid.
I feel so guilty and a large part of it is my fault because I don’t always just say no. Partly because no one had never stopped anything but also because I don’t want to upset them, so I try to get around it. I say things like “not right now”, or “maybe later”, or “i don’t know” or “I’m not sure”, or I’ll just try and move away or change the subject. I find sex so… overwhelming
I worry that I will never enjoy sex. It’s always painful or uncomfortable