It’s been a couple days now but I can’t seem to forget what happened. My husband asked me to wake him up for an important meeting as he is known for turning his alarm off and falling back asleep. When I went and woke him up (called his name multiple time and tapped on his shoulder), he grabbed me and threw me in bed and before I knew it he was on top of me holding me down by my neck and trying to hit me, saying things like « what do you want from me». All I could do was try to hide myself with my arms and repeat over and over that I was sorry. Then he got off of me and started saying he was sorry. He’s been apologizing ever since and he says he doesn’t know what happened, that maybe he was having a nightmare. He says he didn’t mean to hurt me.
He’s a very sweet guy. He does have issues controlling his anger at times when he gets upset which he is in therapy for but he’s never gotten angry like that out of the blue or even towards me and seemed to be so in control of his emotions lately. We just got married this winter but we were dating for two years prior. This has never happened before.
He’s been so apologetic and begging me to forgive him, getting me flowers and gifts* and cards all weekend long. At this point it’s not that I don’t want to forgive but more that I’m scared it could happen again. I’m scared … of him. But what does that mean for our marriage going forward? How are we going to survive this? Has this ever happened to anyone here?
*Edit : gifts not guys
30 comments
He needs to see a doctor. I’ve heard stories of people being violent while sleep walking, he may have some version of this. It doesn’t sound like he was awake really when he did this.
Never wake him up again it’s too dangerous. Tell him he needs to set multiple alarms or something, or turn the lights on and a TV on and stay out of reach.
Sounds like a PTSD response. He needs to get help ASAP. If he doesn’t, you need to get the hell out of there before something worse happens.
Genuinely? Separate from him until he’s gotten a grip on his issues. This is an unsafe situation for you, and he needs to be better in himself before he should even contemplate your relationship together. You need to be safe. Who knows what the future may bring, but here and now, please take a break.
[REM Behavior Disorder](https://stanfordhealthcare.org/medical-conditions/sleep/nighttime-sleep-behaviors/rem-behavior-disorder.html) can cause injury to the sleeper or their bed partner. He can undergo a sleep study to determine this as only a professional should diagnose.
My grandpa is this way because of PTSD from being in the military. Everyone in my family knows not to mess with grandpa when he’s asleep because he wakes up in terror if not on his own. I wish he would’ve seen this as not normal and gotten help but he never did and has just been this way his whole life now. Around his kids, around me as a child, and now as an adult. I can’t imagine if I were to have kids and have them around him, I would be terrified.
I have weird sleep episodes – if I get woken up at the wrong moment, I tend to say awful things and am occasionally violent. I normally have little to no memory of these episodes, unless I wake up during one – and even then, things are incredibly vague
Tell him to see a doctor. Im on a waiting list right now to see a specialist so they can try to help.
He needs to discuss this with his therapist and you need to be a part of that conversation.
You’re not wrong to be scared. Even if you give him the benefit of the doubt, and he was not fully concious while doing this, there’s nothing preventing this from happening again. You can refuse to wake him up, sure…but what happens when someone sets off fireworks, or a car alarm goes off, or something else wakes him up and you’re right there for him to attack again?
And that’s presuming he was fully unconscious. You have said he had anger issues, and when you’re waking up you can be disoriented but it doesn’t create rage or violent tendencies. What happens the next time he gets upset while disoriented- drunk, on pain medication, etc.?
You’re allowed to do what you need to so you feel safe, even if you don’t think he did this on purpose. You don’t need to apologize or feel guilty, and someone doing something unintentionally doesn’t mean you owe it to them to not have any reaction to the consequences.
I know a vet with PTSD who would have terrible nightmares, but told his family that if they heard him crying out in the night to never try and wake him up because he was afraid he would not know who they were and he would try to kill them in his sleep. It was heartbreaking
A man in our City did this, only unfortunately his wife ended up dead. Turns out he had a brain tumor. He wasn’t held criminally responsible, because it was where the tumor was located that “made him do it”, perhaps your husband needs a full physical by a physician.
I’m glad physically you are OK, but emotionally you are not. I hope you get some help for yourself, as well as your partner.
Don’t try to wake him again. Just leave him. If he’s late, he’s late.
Good luck OP and stay safe.
He needs a sleep study.
>he’s never gotten angry like that out of the blue
Has he ever gotten angry like that not out of the blue?
It’s OK to be scared!! Something is going on with him during his sleep, and he needs to deal with it as quickly as possible.
It might be a good idea for you to separate until he figures it out, because you need to feel safe in your own home. It’s not going to do either of you any good if your health suffers because you are afraid of him.
If he loves you, he will deal with this ASAP.
My bf doesn’t even try to wake me up, he’s told me on several occasions that I’ll be “up” having conversation and seemingly normal, just for me to not know what he’s talking about at all when I’m actually for real awake. Seems terrible for both ends. Best wishes.
I’m sorry that happened. He definatly needs to explore that with his therapist and with a doctor. If this was truly completely ‘out of his control’ then he should have no issues bring up what happened to his therapist and doctor. Make sure you are there as well, when he does. I’m still very concerned as this is someone with a history of anger management issues that went physically violent.
My dad was like that if he was sleeping soundly. He was a POW. We threw stuff at him to wake him up. Sweetest man ever. Glad you are going to seek help. You could be injured and your man would never forgive himself. Scary for both of you. Good luck.
The fact that he already has established anger management issues is concerning. It doesn’t matter if he has PTSD or a sleep disorder, you’re still not safe with him.
He needs to get professional help obviously but you need to prioritize your safety.
Get some distance while he works on his issues. You shouldn’t have to put your safety in jeopardy for a relationship.
I used to do this in my sleep when I was a teenager, and have no memory of hitting my poor mother when she woke me up for school. I’d also have entire conversations, no memory. Turns out I have a sleep disorder. He may want to check in with a sleep specialist if struggles to wake up in the morning with multiple alarms and is now behaving violently in his sleep.
If he has a history of anger issues, be wary in case this becomes a pattern or excuse to push your boundaries and find out if you’ll tolerate abuse. This can be a tactic abusers use, especially after you’re “stuck” in a marriage. They can wait for years to reveal their true selves.
Whatever you do, do NOT have children now, wait until you both know what this issue is and how it will never happen in the future.
Child comes to your room in the middle of the night because they need comfort, just a recipe for tragedy and trauma.
Get a longterm birth control in place NOW. Having children needs to be a deliberate choice when you and the father are both able to handle it.
Are you in therapy as well? I’d seek it out as well. Him sleeping in a different location is great for now. Trust is difficult to rebuild if you so choose to do so, him having anger issues and then acting this way in his sleep is terrifying. I realize he was sleeping but you were awake. You remember. I’m not sure I could trust my partner to not be abusive to me in real life. 😕 that’s why I suggest the counseling, it could help. Good luck and stay healthy 💜
EMDR may be in order — another person with CPTSD from family life
You woke him up on the wrong cycle. Accept his apology. Next time set an alarm for him far away like in the bathroom so he will have to get out of bed to turn if off.
I’ve seen this exact same story before?
Ye that is scary but he may have a sleep arousal disorder. A physician may be able to help.
I’ve warned my past girlfriends to wake me from a distance because I may end up hitting them. It means nothing, I’m not a bad person, it’s just something that has happened and can happen if I’m awakened suddenly.
I have something like this though it’s rare as hell and probably won’t happen if someone wakes me up. But yeah I have sleep walked and broken things. I have punched and kicked in my sleep (and talk sometimes). He doesn’t have to be sorry just aware. He clearly wasn’t awake and for didn’t mean to hurt you. Sleep study, second alarm, etc all very good ideas. Definitely never wake him up .
Some people react to being wakened for whatever reason. Some people wake up swinging. It’s a fear response.
I would suggest to tap a foot or ankle, thereby giving distance in case of a bad reaction.
I can be dead wrong but this whole post screaaaamed PTSD in my eyes.
Does he have PTSD from major trauma in his life? Ex Soldiers have been known to do this sort of thing, attacking people.
It may be you’ll need to know what triggers him and be extremely careful with those. Even so, if he’s stronger than you, it sounds like you could get seriously hurt.
Does he may e have a history of trauma? I believe PTSD can cause this type of behaviour.