I feel like my relationship is really lopsided as far as the effort me and my partner are putting in. We’ve been together for 8 years and we’re ’engaged’ but I don’t have an engagement ring and there’s been no date set so I don’t really know if I’m his fiancé or girlfriend or what. He proposed about 5 years ago.
Anyway, some examples of what I do for him consistently are:
– Every morning I wake up and make enough coffee for both of us. I put his in an insulated mug so it’ll still be warm when he wakes up.
– I pack him some snacks for his lunch, and usually leave a cute note or post-it in there to boost his mood at work.
– I make dinner for both of us most nights. He’s particular about certain foods and textures so I sometimes end up making 2 versions of the dinner so we’re both happy.
– I suck his dick probably twice a week.
– He’s usually out of money before his next paycheck so I spot him cash here and there so he can get beer and cigarettes for the day. He usually goes through a 12 pack or so a day. He spends probably between $350-400 on beer and another $100 or so on cigs a month.
– He calls out of work often whereas I go everyday because money’s so tight. I try to be okay about it as long as he’s making enough that week to cover his share of bills. (We have our own debit cards and a joint card that we each contribute to. I contribute a little more to the joint card than him because hourly I make a little more, and then at the end of the month if/when we don’t have enough money in there to finish out the month I put some more in from my own account.)
– if we want to take a vacation I pay for it. I pay for concert tickets, hotel rooms, gas, tolls, etc. He’ll usually pay for a dinner while we’re on vacation. I also do the planning for the vacations, researching hotel prices, setting up boarding for the dog, etc.
As far as what he’s doing for me: he’s doing chores, not as many as I am because I work from home but he does help out. And I hate saying ‘help out’ because I know that’s insinuating that it’s my job to begin with. Sometimes if I ask him to take me out he’ll do it but it’s dependent on when/if he has money. He also calls me while he’s at work to talk and he says he loves me a lot and we’ll hang out on the couch scrolling reddit or watching tv when he’s not playing video games or having his friends over.
Sometimes I feel like in order to get something from him I have to raise my voice or be mad because if I ask him nicely to do something I get brushed off. I’m not proud of this but I have threatened to break up with him befor because usually that’s the only thing that’ll light a fire under him and get him to do nice things for me for a couple weeks.
I’d be fine with the money situation if I was getting back a little more, but I don’t feel like I’m getting anything other than the bare minimum. It’s hard to talk to him about any of this because a lot of times he’ll get defensive or just cut me off and ask me ‘why I always do this.’
I’m at a loss, I just want my partner to do some stuff for me. Stuff that wouldn’t cost any money. And I’m giving him specific examples (play with my hair, rub my back, make me dinner (I’ll buy the fucking groceries for him to do it), leave me cute love letters or post it’s around) but I’m not getting it until I get mad that he’s not doing it.
What am I doing wrong here? How do I get my partner to put effort in? We’re in couples counseling (I’m paying for it and making the appts) and it seems to be helping with our communication but…. I still feel like I’m forced to say ‘yeah things are getting better’ even though I’m still unhappy with how things are going because he’ll get upset that I’m nagging him.
What do I do?
TLDR; I do way more for my partner and our relationship than he does. I’m giving him specific examples of things he could do for me that wouldn’t cost any money but even when he does those things it’s after I’ve had to get mad about it. I don’t know how to get through to him.