so basically i’ve always been quieter especially since starting secondary school, like im one of the ‘weird kids’ but tbh i don’t really care about that. it’s mostly that ive come to realise most of my friends are really pretty bad people, like i mean homophobia and sexism and racism and just like spewing slurs because they think it’s funny. so i started hunting for some new friends who i would actually like, and to do that my mum tried to get me to join more youth clubs. so now im going to a youth club once a week (ive only been twice so far).
but there’s a problem. i went in the first day and realised that there was 3/4 groups within this club of people who knew each other. now i came to this place knowing no one, and tbh its a little hard to quit it because they’ve booked trips and stuff and it would just be a little hard to cancel on that, but if i could have im a little ashamed to say i probably would have. so now i go through my week dreading wednesday afternoons because its an awkward 2 1/2 hours of being an odd one out.
ive always struggled with anxiety, but not really much of this kind. like ive gone to counselling for my fear of moving schools and i was deathly scared of getting in trouble (to be honest this one still might be around, any time i get told off in school or whatever i go suuuuper red but ah well). the worst thing is i really want to enjoy this youth club since it’s on for 2 years so i should reallly make the most of it, but i really just can’t.
on top of that, my social, to put it politely, ‘shittiness’ means i get left out of stuff i’d like to go to, like parties and hangouts, and that means i have no confidence to talk to this girl i like (i think i could maybe have a chance but ive talked to her like twice so id need to spend more time with her before asking her out) and just in general i CANT for the life of me have a non-awkward conversation with someone that i haven’t known for like 3 years beforehand.
it’s just like i don’t know what to say and i don’t have the confidence to say the stuff i do know, so ill just sit on my phone not talking to anyone at the youth club or just sit and do my work in school because id feel super awkward just going up to the girl and starting a conversation because ‘what will i say’ and ‘what if she doesn’t want to talk to me’ and all that. i’ve even started seeing the school counsellor because i don’t want to live like an awkard loner anymore, i want to have fun, especially since im going off to uni soon and they’re meant to be the best years of your life, i want them to be fun.
the counsellor hasn’t done much for me tbh and im really at a loss because i have no more ideas. thanks for your time and i hope you have some advice for me :D.