I marked it NSFW just for the mention of the friends with benefits situation, but I’ll keep any mentions of sexual activity to a minimum, mostly for my own personal sanity. I am changing very minor details to avoid being identified as I know some loved ones are on Reddit, but our ages are truthful in accordance with the rules. I apologize that this is lengthy, but I want to provide context so I can get back advice that is helpful to my situation.
As the title says, I (20NB), about to turn 21 in a few weeks) have recently gone from having a nearly 6 year relationship to more of a friends with benefits/situationship with my friend (21M).
For context, we began dating in high school long distance, I’m on east coast, he’s on East coast. I’m a full time college student studying education (so very busy, as you can imagine) and he is not in school. We both live at home. Neither of our families knew we were together as neither of us were out regarding our sexualities (I am out in regards to my gender identity, but felt my sexuality was nobody’s business and didn’t share at the time). We came to the mutual understanding to not tell our families until we could do so in person together one of his rare visits. Normally, he would visit once to twice a year, but has been unable to due to Covid and other issues.
Recently, after a death on my college campus, and some health issues facing my parents, I felt I wanted to share this part of my life with them sooner rather than later as I was being faced with the reality of mortality. I talked with my partner about this and he asked for some space to think about some things first. I agreed and left him be for a while. We ended up chatting a few days later, and I asked if he was ready to talk about it yet or still needed time and was just looking for casual conversation. No answer. I took this to mean he needed more space and obliged and left him be, and tried to strike up casual conversation again the next day. Nothing. Fair enough. Nothing the following day either. I was getting worried and after talking it through with a friend to make sure I wasn’t overreacting, I decided to give him a call on day 4, that’s 3 days of absolute radio silence. He wasn’t really saying anything about WHY he wasn’t talking to me so I just desperately asked if he was thinking of breaking up with me and he said yes. I panicked and hung up the phone, but after I stopped hyperventilating, I redialed him and apologized and asked him to explain himself.
He told me he was questioning his sexuality (I won’t give more specifics for his privacy) and that he wasn’t planning on talking to me about this at all until he had figured things out. I said that wasn’t fair to make me wait in limbo while he figured out his life and he needed to make a decision about right now, and then we could revisit it later. He chose to end it. He clarified he was sexually attracted to me, just not romantically. I, in desperation for just some semblance of normalcy, begged to try intimacy. I had a secret hope that it would open his eyes and make him realize he did love me. It didn’t. It was fun in the moment and all, but I just felt like shit afterwards because he still didn’t love me and I love him and nothing is right in the world. I know I sound dramatic, but let me emphasize that this was just shy of 6 years together with him. I was planning on getting married within the next couple years and having my best friend subtly suggest engagement rings that I like.
We have agreed so far on attempting to reconnect romantically during his next visit, to stay friends regardless (I couldn’t imagine a life without him somehow in it, so this is nonnegotiable for both of us), and for now, to continue this friendship with benefits situation we have going on. I don’t know if I can stomach ending the friendship with benefits thing either. It’s the closest thing I feel to having him back. He is fully aware I feel like this, and is okay that I am using our sexual interactions for my own emotional gain. I think he’s just glad I’m not constantly crying while speaking to him and that I can actually laugh with him again.
Which is where I’m left. I spend every night crying and dreaming of how things are supposed to be or how I could fix this if we were just together in person. I spend my days moping around and waiting for the times between his work shifts to talk to him. I’m luckily on a small break from school, but this won’t just go away once school starts back up. I have to be able to cope with this in a healthy way. But I don’t know how. I didn’t react well to my last break up (I slept around my friend group until I nuked the entire group pretty much). It’s all I can do to focus on not doing that again and keep myself afloat, but I need to be able to survive this semester. How do I do that? Any questions, please ask and I’ll try to answer as best I can.
Also, any kind words are appreciated. It goes without saying, I’m going through a rough time here. I’ll try to thank you individually, but I might not have the energy to respond.