In the past two years, I (23M) have been in a completely online relationship with another man (29M). Our relationship is complicated, in the sense that we both love each other deeply, but we’re not really dating due to the limitations (it will become clearer later on). We both live in different countries that are very far away from each other, I’m ESL and he’s not. In every step of the way, I was 100% truthful and honest about myself, and my life – my name, my age, my pictures, my occupation, my studies, my family, etc. He was the first relationship I ever had. He helped me come out of the closet and helped me through an extremely difficult situation in life, which made me look at him as my hero. He’s been there for me, staying awake through the entire night, sending me money every week for 2 years, supporting me emotionally, making sacrifices for me, and making sure that I feel safe and loved. We’ve been talking for approximately 12 hours a day ever since we met each other.
When we met, he told me his first name, showed me some pictures of himself, and told me where he lived, and what he did for living. He told me about his family, his past, and the fact that he’s actually married. We both became in love with each other pretty quickly (I said it first), and due to the fact that he was married, we knew that this relationship couldn’t go on. He insisted that we both love each other, something that we can’t control, so what he wants to do is to stay there for me, talk to me every day, but keep some boundaries to respect his husband and not cheat in any possible way that is not the already existing emotional cheating (of loving another man). This means – no sexual pictures, no video chatting, never meeting in real life. This didn’t last for very long, and we started sharing sexual pictures with each other. I streamed myself through video-chatting but he never did. Throughout the entire relationship he has been encouraging me to get on dating apps and to find another man, better than him. He’s never led me on that we would end up with each other in any possible way.
At this point, it’s also important to mention that he’s mentally ill. He is borderline, alcoholist and suffers from schizophrenia, auditory and visual illusions. He is also, objectively speaking, very abusive to me, fact that was determined by three different psychologists and a number of friends (some are shared friends). He has never apologized to me, but always forced me to apologize to him. He blocked me infinite times, and threatened me via drinking or worse. I was always manipulated to stay and never managed to be happy or to escape him. A big (if not the biggest) part of this, is the fact that I’ve been unemployed and lonely this entire time, so I need him greatly. Our relationship is codependent.
This week, after 2 years, I found out that everything was a lie. His last name, his pictures, his past, where he lived, his origin, his family, his job, and of course – he’s single and lives by himself. All the pictures I received, including sexual, was someone else’s (but mine were real). All the infinite times when he told me he had to leave to spend time with his husband (what made me jealous and insecure), were lies. I feel like I’ve been in love with someone else. I tried to confront him about this and he ignored me for 3 days until I finally managed to get a hold of him. He admitted to some of the things but refused to cooperate with others. He did not apologize, and every time I sounded infinitesimally, mildly upset, he got really angry, stating that I’m not the victim, because I’m the one who broke his trust by googling about him (he’d made me swear not to ever search anything about him online, which I hadn’t, until the point where too many suspicions had arisen). He’s still not willing to share everything.
You must be reading all of this and think to yourself – why wouldn’t you leave? Because I can’t. Because I have a big heart. What I came to realize this week is that this man is so lonely to the point that he had to create a completely fake personality, which seemed more attractive than his own, to find someone to talk to. I feel like he’s so mentally ill to the point that nobody would be able to talk to him and be his friend, but I can. I can make him less lonely. And on top of that, of course – he’s always wanted what’s good for me. He’s always encouraged me to find someone else. He’s sent me money every week for 2 years, and only now I’m realizing that he has been doing it as a single man with a lame-paying job (he used to tell me that he was an engineer with a rich husband, so I didn’t really care about him helping me with money). But now I realize that with the little money he has, he decided to spend it on me. He’s made so many sacrifices for me, he’s saved my life, I feel like I owe him so much.
But I don’t know what to do. Because I’ve been unemployed for 2 years, and this extremely toxic and unhealthy relationship has been delaying me in life. It’s hard to find a job, to socialize or even stay awake during the day when we have such a huge timezone difference. It’s hard to be happy when on a daily basis I have to deal with screaming, illusions, blocking, threatening, drinking. It’s draining me. Not to mention the fact that this is not a real relationship – I don’t get to see him or his face expressions, touch him, smell him, be around him. It’s purely virtual, purely by voice. Not even video chats. So all I want to do is to convince myself that despite what he’s been making me feel, I am actually a victim and I do deserve to walk away, and that I don’t owe him anything. But I just know it doesn’t work. I tried countless, countless times to leave him but always came back because I’d always had the strong feeling that he needed me, even when I thought that he was married and successful. But now it’s even more certain. He’s lonely. I’m his only one. Help me.
TL;DR – I’ve (23M) been in a two-year online relationship with a (29M) who initially claimed to be married. While I’ve honest about myself, he, who suffers from mental illnesses, revealed after two years that he had lied about everything, including being single. Despite the toxic nature of the relationship, financial support, and emotional manipulation, I feel obligated to stay because I believe him to be extremely lonely, and because he’s made sacrifices for me. I seek advice on how to break free from this codependent and unhealthy relationship.