I 35F is married to 34M we will call John. I thought we had a great marriage of course with ups and downs. But I also thought we will work it out. In the beginning of our marriage we found out he has a low sperm count. It was hard but I thought we talk it out. We went through the first round of IVF but we had a miss carriage. He came with the decision to get a sperm donor. I even made sure it was only his idea, he pick the sperm and that is was the one to say yes are going through IVF.
We were lucky and we had our first son. My husband looks like he was happy. It was a hard pregnancy on me and at the end of it, I had inter blood and had to go back under. I was lucky and had great doctors and I wake good and safe. A couple days later I was in the hospital my husband seemed like the dad was getting mad that we were in the hospital to long for him. I will ament I was scared. That inter blood scared me. Husband didn’t seem to be worried about me being in pain. When we finally got he was pushing me even though I told him I was ready. I started to feel that I wasn’t good even. We notice that we weren’t as close sexually as I thought we would be. I just put it up he was scared that I almost dead. Now forward around two years later i thought we work this out and we were having a little more sex time but I was the one to talk about it. We wanted to add additional to the family so we still another embryo so we implant it. Right before that we had a fight regarding him texting a coworker some inappropriate comments plus he knew I had problems with this coworker and he told me not to worry about it. The doctor said we couldn’t have sex for two weeks. My husband John never said he needed some sex or action. When I was six weeks pregnant with our second one I found out he had a picture to use to get off. This person was of someone he knew. I notice he liked a lot of her pictures and he promise me that it was just a picture he used and he deleted her. Months later I have given birth to a son who needed surgery the second day he was born. We have been going back and forth to the hospital. Ever since the picture I knew something was wrong with her and him. I told him I will text her to see what happened. That is when he told me they indeed talk to her. It took me all night to get out of him that I complain to her about me. Talk to her regarding his low sperm count and flirted and sex texting each other. She told all about her experiences which he started use in our bedroom. I feel like I am losing my mind. I have almost three year old and a three week old in NICU hoping to take him home soon. I feel like my husband lied or withhold information. I still feel like I got all of the information. I don’t know where to go from here. I built my life around him and even stepped down so I could be a Monday to friday to be there for our kids which meant a big pay cut and my husband wanted to go up in his career. I thought he love me and all keeps on saying is that is choice me but I feel he didn’t. I feel like I am not good enough. I should note I had low self esteem about mine looks. So when he liked all of her pictures and got off to her and not me I feel like I have not good or pretty enough. I am wondering if anyone has advice how to keep mine family together. Or will I always not feel good of me. I need my sons to not think I am a failure.
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