For some context, this struggle has been going on ever since we’ve been in a relationship, which has been a total of \~8yrs (married for \~5yrs). I found that expressing how I really felt in certain situations would lead to fights and frustration from my wife \[Fiona\], and so I began to resort to either lying about how I felt, or simply not expressing how I feel about things.
This has of course got me into trouble over the course of our relationship, especially when developments would occur that I didn’t like. But I continue to find it easier for the overall health of our relationship when I simply lie/hide. A prime example of this happened just today.
Fiona has always wanted a large family. We already have two daughters but it didn’t seem to be enough for her, and every time I tried to express my emotions and my desire to not have any more children, she would explode with some outburst of emotion. So I found it easier to lie. When we were expecting our third child, a son, and he died, Fiona was crushed. I wasn’t, because I never wanted him anyway and I thought two children was already too many. I hid these feelings of course because I knew how much it could damage our relationship for my wife to see that her husband was unaffected by the death of her son.
And despite our agreeing to wait at least a year before revisiting the idea of children (which I’ve already determined internally I am going to flat out refuse, and this was already a concession because me saying “No more children” was making Fiona lose her shit), she keeps hoping and praying that she’ll receive another child. Today she told me with disappointment that her period started, so she knows she’s not pregnant. I was immediately faced with a choice. Do I: A) Express relief about this fact, B) Show no emotion, or C) Lie and show some sort of sympathy for Fiona over this fact despite the fact that I’m glad about it?
I chose, this time, to try unbridled honesty and I went with option A. I expressed genuine relief and, because we’re both religious (she more than me, but I still am) I confessed that I had been praying that God wouldn’t give us another child yet \[we recently had a ‘scare’\]. Fiona burst into tears and began shouting that I was invalidating her feelings and that I wasn’t being sensitive to how she feels about wanting another child.
So that struggle has been replaying in my mind all morning. Should I really be invalidating and hiding my own feelings, in order to validate and give precedence to hers? When is an acceptable time for me to express my feelings, if they’re not “socially acceptable” feelings? Am I not allowed to have socially unacceptable desires and feelings? Should I always be empathizing and allowing her to express her feelings, and just stifle/hide the extreme disconnection I feel between my own sentiments and Fiona’s? And it feels like it’s *every time* that I say to myself, “Ok, let’s try honesty. I know it’ll probably cause a fight, but let’s just test it.” It ALWAYS becomes an emotional issue between us. And every time I say, “F it, let’s just lie, it’s easier,” Then it ALWAYS ends in a mediocre, but peaceful and predictable, way.
How do I get out of this rut?