Settling Down vs. Reaching for More: Gents, How’d You Find Balance?

21 comments

1. always strive for more, run a marathon, then run a faster marathon. find a mountain near you and climb it while backpacking, never backpacked before? learn.

2. Kids did it for me. Once I had kids my priorities changed pretty significantly. We’re financially comfortable so I don’t feel the desire to keep pushing for more, more, more anymore because doing so would mean not spending as much time with my kids.

3. Following this thread because I feel I’m in a similar spot; have a mediocre job that I’m good at with decent pay, a good wife, unable to have kids, still live in my sleepy hometown but wife wants to stay because our parents are here, suffer terribly cold winters for half of the year, etc.

   Just kind of bored with life at the moment and looking for a change. I just can’t pinpoint what I want that change to be. We travel, I do a lot of home improvement projects, exercise, have hobbies, eat healthy, etc. Life just feels stagnant.

4. If you want to settle down, then do so, there’s nothing wrong in that. If you want to pursue more, then do so, there’s also nothing wrong in that. Personally, I do not see a benefit to reach for more just for the sake of doing it. I’m happy where I am and I don’t feel the need to reach for more. When I’m bored and not satisfied anymore, I’ll pick up a new hobby or curiosities and see where that leads me.

5. Kids. Whenever someone asks me about having kids, I tell them: “When you feel like you’ve done it all, your life is getting mundane, and you want the next chapter: Have kids.” I was a lot like you, minus the finances. We are in a good spot but still have a mortgage and aren’t in our forever home. Getting there though. I’ve done a lot, have a ton of cool hobbies that I’ve accomplished a lot with, dated the field of very attractive women and finally married “the one.” I thought my life had a lot of definitive moments until my son was born. Then there was me pre-kids, and now…dad. My wife feels the same way from her side. The day my son was born my life changed the second the doctor said “it’s a boy!”

   Obviously, you want to be set in a good relationship/marriage before you pull the trigger on starting a family, which it sounds like you are. And just understand, you will really sacrifice most, if not all, of your free time when you have kids. I love it but you need to determine if it’s right for you.

6. First off, don’t become a parent because you feel like it’s the next goal or box to check. Being a father is amazingly fulfilling, but only do it because you truly want it.

   My read is you’re a goal oriented person and you’ve checked off so many goals and haven’t added many more. It can be hard to adjust. You may fear complacency or being left behind. I think what you should really fear is missing out on what this freedom offers. Use your newfound lack of goals to enjoy the fruits of your labor. Those goals didn’t exist in a vacuum; they existed to help you be the man you want to be. Now, you have the chance to be him.

7. I thought this was going to be entirely about finding a new woman…

8. Sometimes the best course of action is inaction. Just focus on yourself and your partner for now. Going to the gym and getting fit always has payoffs. There will come in a time later in life where you’ll find something to work towards that will require your effort and attention. There’s no need to force this on yourself and keep yourself busy for the sake of being busy. It’s better to save your focus and energy for when you really need it.

9. look up dismissive avoidant attachment

10. the lessons of one phase of life should make you ready for the next.

    you listed some good alternatives. becoming a parent would be the typical next step for your family life, but it’s up to y’all.

11. I try to focus my drive on other things. I was in the army for 20 years, retired, got a decent pension and some benefits out of it, and I can comfortably do nothing for the rest of my life. Now I focus on things I missed out on due to my career-family, hobbies, fitness, community, etc.

    I guess I’ve just decided to take what I learned over the last two decades and put it into my retired life. It works for me-I’m in a decent relationship and I have good, long-time friends. I’m in a good place, and very grateful for it.

12. Honestly I reached a point where I found that pushing for more didn’t make me happy. And then after I stepped back and reflected a bit, I realized that it never made me happy in the first place. I always thought it would, but it didn’t.

    That was when I knew it was time to settle down and step back.

13. Once I had much of life on lockdown, wife, house, job, grad school, WFH, Spartan races, I started working on myself. Climb that mental health mountain. Long walks in the woods before work (or during). Lots of journaling. Finding a more empathetic perspective on life.

    I dunno, 🤷

14. First of all, congratulations on your success. Next, the only thing you have to do is to keep up the good work, and stay curious.

    Try hobbies, and if you don’t like them, who cares? Stay fit and eat healthy.

15. Just enjoy it, why complicate things?

16. I have everything except the girl. I’m pretty content, but if you throw in a fiancé I’d be 100% good. Gotta be grateful ya know

17. Try to change your diet or lifestyle, therapy, fasting, meditating. Take one of those to the brink and it’ll probably change you holistically for the better. But I’m young with none of what you have so who cares what I think

18. Challenge yourself. Find a new hobby you’ve always wanted to try (surf, ski, BJJ). Spend some time learning a new language or instrument.

19. Volunteer in your community. Perhaps the local library. Run for local office and enact societal change that betters your community.

20. > finished paying my mortgage

    Um, congratulations!

21. You have taken everything you need from the world.

    The next challenge is to start giving back.