Info: –My girlfriend and I have been dating 1.5 years and living together for 6 months. For a good part of this relationship, I have been insecure about her talking to other men at work, school, etc., and we have gotten in a lot of fights about our boundaries and autonomy. We had a big fight about boundaries and autonomy relating to my trust in her and her honesty with me, and we decided to start a clean slate and forgive each other’s shortcomings. This has worked surprisingly well for us, and for the past 2-3 months, I have really stepped up and worked on my insecurity, and begun to fully trust her and our relationship has been a lot better.–
This morning, she had a meeting with a student she is tutoring (work). I asked her who the student was and what the meeting looked like. She responded defensively and slightly agitated, “I don’t know. Why does it matter?”
I dropped the conversation and continued with my morning. Our house is not big, nor are our walls thick, so I could hear that the student she had was a guy. To me, this suggested that she probably got defensive because she still thought I was asking these questions because I was insecure when I wasn’t. Totally understandable, my history has shown otherwise. Moreover, I could be wrong and wanted to clear things up with her. So, I went to ask her about it.
This was true. In the past, I have been insecure about those things. However, we had just cleaned the slate between us and started fresh a few months ago. Hearing this again felt unfair to me, like she was undermining the 2-3 months of effort I had undergone to not make my insecurities an issue.
She got defensive and said, “Honestly, I still can’t trust you with that stuff because of your past and how in the past you’ve gotten insecure about those things.”
This was true. In the past I have been insecure about those things. However, we had just cleaned the slate between us and started fresh a few months ago, hearing this again felt unfair to me and felt like she was undermining the 2-3 months effort I had undergone to not make my insecurities an issue.
So I express this to her, I say, “I feel hurt when you say that because it feels like that’s undermining the amount of work I’ve put in since our clean slate to show you I am not acting insecurely. Moreover, I feel it’s unfair for you to say that since we agreed to trust each other fully after the clean slate.”
She replies, “To be honest, I really dislike this line of questioning because it always leads to an argument and always feels like you’re still insecure. So now, my new boundary is you are not allowed to ask me about work or school stuff. Don’t ask me about any of those people because I do not have the space or room for your f\*\*\*ing insecurities.”
This comment escalated into an argument where no matter how much I tried to reason with her or express my feelings, she didn’t care and stormed out angrily in front of our housemates. I feel embarrassed and believe the boundary she set was out of line and not something I am comfortable with. I completely understand where her reasoning is coming from, but it felt as though she didn’t care to see where I was coming from and she’s very resistant to compromising on this boundary. I am confused about how to bring this up or remedy these things through a future conversation.
TL;DR- Girlfriend set a boundary where I am not allowed to ask about her work/school life because I have been insecure about it in the past, even though we started fresh from a clean slate a few months prior and I haven’t been insecure since. I feel she is undermining my effort and she refuses to budge on this boundary.
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UPDATE/EDIT: Thank you to everyone who replied. It’s really helpful to get an outside anonymous perspective and hearing all your responses was very eye-opening and insightful. I realize now that I was the one in the wrong. I apologized to her and we both made amends. She’s honestly the best and was so forgiving… which makes me feel terrible about myself. If I’m being honest, I feel really shitty and ashamed about the way I’ve acted and the type of partner I’ve been. I signed myself up for therapy so I can work on being better and less insecure.
If anyone else has some feedback or positive suggestions as to what to avoid or how to prevent myself from creating future hardships, please feel free to let me know or PM me. I really just want to get better for her and for all my future relationships. I really want to grow and emotionally mature.
Thank you guys for all the advice. I really appreciate it.