Me (20m) and my girlfriend (20f) have been together since 2021. She was my classmate during the COVID pandemic online class period. I met her in my last year of senior high. We got off great, we kept talking and messaging up until November 5, 2021. We confessed to each other that we have feelings for each other, everything was great. Just a few weeks later, I fucked up, I sent her a video of me saying I love you to my girl best friend that I liked for 3 years. The video was for a birthday greeting video since she lived abroad. I sent her that thinking to my naïve self that that’s fine, this hurt her very deeply. We just confessed to each other the a few weeks ago and then I did this. We had a fight and I said to her that I would cut her off so that this would never happen again. And I did cut her my best friend off. I made another mistake again by liking nudes of women on my twitter feed. She saw this and immediately asked herself if she’s good enough for me, do I think she is pretty, do I like those girls more than her. I hurt her again. We continued with our relationship with a stain because of what I did. A few months have passed, and we had a talk about her past and my past too. She said to me that she had experienced very traumatic experiences when it comes to sexual abuse and harassment, when we were talking about this. It really hurts. It made me cry. I also opened about my past of doing the said sexual abuse where I forced my then best friend into showing her private parts on call. I had a bad history with that incident, and I swore to myself that I will never do that again. But I did. I did it again to her. I forced my girlfriend to do something that she doesn’t want to do. Even after hearing that she has trauma about this. I knew to myself that I needed to change that. I needed to change myself. I tried to but I failed once again. Reminder, this all happened online, when were LDR.
Around July 2022 I went back to my home country to study college. At this point, we were fine, still going even after all that I did to her. we had another fight regarding the time we spent together as our time difference grew from 2 hours to 7 hours. I wanted more time to myself, and I was being selfish even though we aren’t really spending time as much as before. Instead of talking to her about it, I went to reddit asking if what I wanted was right in that having a schedule is better than our normal way of doing it. We fought about it again, she’s saying that why can’t I open to her about it first and why did I listen to the people on the internet instead of talking to her. I held my ground even though I was wrong. Our fight turned into me asking for us to break up. Well, we didn’t. I was selfish once again.
September 14, 2022 my college started its school year now. And all the freshmen are gathering up for the initiation event for my university. I am keeping tabs on everything that my university is doing, I checked Reddit, Facebook, and even Instagram for updates on the details of the gathering. When I checked reddit there was a post regarding the initiation event saying that they were looking for people to come with. So, I replied. The op of the post was a girl, even though I knew this I still kept talking to this person. We talked about going together with other people that replied to the post. And I told this to my girlfriend she said that “do I really need to go with them? Can I not go alone?” and I kept saying that
“its just for school so its fine.” I kept insisting on this statement up until the day of. On the day, me and the other people including the girl I talked to met up at a restaurant near the university and we ate food. We hung out. All the while my girlfriend was worried at that time as I wasn’t updating her about the things happening. The initiation event started, and we went our separate ways but by the end we met up again with the girl. My girlfriend started messaging again and I got angry at her because she said I wasn’t updating her which I wasn’t really and that I can’t update her as I am walking beside the road, and I cannot pull my phone out. I kept getting angry at her because of this, even though I really didn’t update her properly. I was a shitty person entirely. A few weeks went by, and my class has already been going. I am still in contact with the group (including the girl) I went to the initiation with. A few weeks went by and everything was fine up until I decided to meet up with the girl again in a mall, just because we were at the same location by chance. So, we ended up meeting. It didn’t take that long, and we already went our separate ways. But instead of me telling this to my girlfriend I hid it from her, instead of being truthful I denied it even happening and then she saw my group chats. And saw that we really did see each other, the girl. My girlfriend got mad, rightfully so, I hid it from her and denied that it even happened only for her to see my messages and I still kept denying it even after she saw the messages. This took a toll on our relationship and her trust in the things I do.
At around January 2023 we were able to meet in person for the first time and this was a big change in our relationship. She stayed in our home country for a year. During this time, we had the time of our lives and hung out a lot, almost every week kept seeing each other, hanging out at each other’s houses, getting introduced to each other’s families. The next dumbassery of what I did was around early March, I don’t really remember what we fought about but what I did was I left her alone crying in her house while she was drinking and hurting herself. I blame myself for the scars that she’s sustained.
Then her mom came home too at around July 2023. Her mom stayed for a month. I met her mom, and she was a sweet woman. I love her very much. When her mom went back after her visit, my next fuck up happened. I made a dating account just to spite her, I know it is extremely stupid, but it goes to show how stupid I am. I didn’t delete the account or even tell her that this account existed. I made the account and left it alone I didn’t use the account or the dating app but it still stayed there so other people can see it. She found out because one of her friends who was on the dating app saw the account that I created. Her friend messaged her about it and yeah my girlfriend found out. And yeah. She got angry at me again questioning our relationship again because of what I did, I denied that I made the account and then I said that I did made that account. Yet again another fuck up by me. At this point, I never addressed to her the mistakes I’ve made I was just distracting myself by playing games.
Around November, another incident happened which involved the police. Me and her decided to celebrate my birthday. Prior to this we had celebrated our anniversary, our plan was to eat at the Unli Korean bbq place for lunch and head out to buy new shoes for each other. And yeah, we kept going back and forth malls because we can’t find the shoes we wanted but by the end we settled for it at a Nike shop. She got upset about something I did I forgot already, I didn’t give her any reassurance about this, and this sparked the fight. We were out in the middle of the night in park, and we had a argument the reached a point where she started crying and saying sorry and she said she wanted to go home and started walking away from me, I got annoyed at her and I grabbed her arm really hard, which caused bruising. She tried getting away again and I grabbed her ID lace that she was wearing, and it broke. She kept crying and we eventually got a ride back to my place. Where in she tried killing herself for what I did. She kept doing that and I kept stopping her. The place was a mess. And when we laid down after that I just fucked her when she said no. we had sex during that even though she didn’t want so… I sexually assaulted her again. We had a drink after this, and we went back to sleep. When we woke up I told her that it’s time to go and I needed to get her back home safe. She opened up about what happened last night saying that “Why did I not address the problem and just had sex with her instead” it hurt her deeply. She walked out of the house with me, and I demanded for her stay and talk. She went back inside, and I closed the and locked the front door. We started talking and she had an outburst about what happened, so she shouted and shouted, banging on the door saying help. And I tried stopping her because I didn’t want her to leave my place, in the process, I accidentally hit her eye which caused a black eye. Because of this the neighbors who are good friends with my family got alerted and called the police and my family. The police got there and started questioning me about what happened. When they finished questioning me it was the neighbors turn to ask questions. And then my family called. After this it permanently damaged our relationship.
The next and latest mistake of mine was, I straight up cheated during a time wherein something awful happened to her. She went back to her place in another country with her mom and brother now. We are now back to 7 hour time difference and busy with our academics. As of me writing this this just happened a week ago. I had a basketball tryout at this moment, and I wanted to try even though I knew that I wouldn’t be able to get in because I am so out of shape. I talked to her about me trying out and she didn’t seem supporting of it and I asked her about it why wasn’t she supportive. She said that she felt sad and scared that we wouldn’t have time anymore if I got in and because we already have a 7-hour difference and were really busy with our academics. So kept telling her that, I wouldn’t be able to get in anyways so its fine. But she kept on her feelings and eventually I said, “ Why are you being controlling I just want to try out of the basketball team, I really cant do anything when I’m in this relationship.” We fought and we didn’t talk at all after this. I went through with the basketball tryouts I made a fool of myself. I embarrassed myself in front of a lot of people. After the basketball tryouts I felt absolutely defeated and embarrassed about what I did to my girlfriend and in what happened during the tryouts. I felt really down. When I was walking back home after the tryouts. I receive a message from my girlfriend’s friend saying that she was suicidal and really needed someone and asked me if I can talk to my girlfriend and calm her down. But I didn’t listen to her. I messaged my girlfriend once or twice after that. And me being desperate and just wanted to talk to anyone at that moment, decided to message the girl that I went with during the initiation event. I asked if I can go to her place and talk in person but quickly dismissed that idea. I got home and went to sleep. Fast forward to a week later. My girlfriend found out about what I did and said to me that I was emotionally cheating on her, for still talking to the girl after lying about going out with the girl and promised her that I blocked the girl. I also found out that while I was emotionally cheating, she was being raped by her friend. She really was suicidal about what happened and now I added more to her pain. I blame myself for what happened to her. I keep asking myself “what if I messaged/called her at that time? Would that happen to her.?” I keep blaming myself for everything. And just now I realized how much of a awful person and boyfriend I am to her. I wasn’t there when she needed me, I kept being selfish throughout our relationship, and I kept being a shitty same person who didn’t change throughout the whole relationship. And now that our relationship Is broken now, why is it only now I realize how much pain I’ve caused her when it’s too late.