We have been together for 7 years. During our relationship, we have had trouble with sex. I have a much higher drive than him. We have faced some sex related trauma. We worked past it as best we could. After about 5 years of being together his drive was so low he could care less whether we had sex at all. I refuse to be in a dead bedroom so we talked and made a compromise to have sex once every other weekend. Totals to about twice a month which is much better than nothing so I am happy. This has been working for us.
We do not live together. We don’t spend nights together as his apartment is extremely small and I rent out of some old lady’s house so no overnight guests. We don’t go away often. We are going on vacation in August where we will be staying in an AirBnB for five days. We will be attending a weekend event and visiting some friends. I was randomly thinking and figured this would be a good opportunity for us to have sex twice. I love morning sex and we almost never get the chance to have it. I asked him the other day if we could do it twice during the 5 day vacation suggesting our regular night sex and then morning sex another day. His first reaction was to look at me and say, “Twice?!?” in the most shocked way ever. I said, “I thought since we will be on vacation and able to sleep in the same bed and things will be special you would want to make love to me a little extra.” He replied, ” I didn’t think that (sex) was going to be the main point of the trip.” That crushed me. I’m even willing to not have sex for a month just so we can twice in one week….
Is it unreasonable for wanting sex twice in five days while on a special vacation overnight with my fiancé who I never get to sleep next to? I feel very shamed and like I’m asking for way too much?
Edits because I keep seeing the same comments:
1. We don’t live together. I am in school working towards a master’s degree. I pay $350 a month in rent, a $50 car insurance bill, a $50 phone bill and food/gas/essentials. He pays $750 in rent plus all his bills. We cannot afford a rent higher than $1000 with everything included. Nothing around here is that cheap. I am literally a dirt poor college student. We have spent 5+ days a week together for 7 years so it’s not like we don’t see each other often.
2. We are BOTH satisfied with the frequency of the sex. We tried every week and it was just too much for us. It would be nice to throw in a rando sometimes, which we do but not often. No one is forced to do anything when they don’t want to. We came to a compromise AFTER we went through a dry spell of a few months when I put my foot down and told him I needed the intimacy. No it’s not spontaneous but we go on dates either before or after the sex to spice it up. We both enjoy the sex. It’s not like he hates it lol.
3. I have Borderline Personality Disorder. Say what you will about the disorder. I am in therapy and on medication and have been for years. I currently do not meet the criteria for BPD so technically I am in “remission”. That being said, I struggle with the parts of BPD that can’t be treated with meds. I have a strong fear of abandonment and my fiancé is my favorite person. I love him with my whole heart, he is my best friend in the whole world. I spent 7 years with him. It is simply harder for me to leave toxic situations. I am working on it with my therapist.
4. I will not comment on what the sexual trauma is to protect our privacy. Just that there was damage on both sides. No sexual abuse of any kind for either of us. Rough things that we have had to get through together that is mostly resolved at this time and does not interfere with our current sex life. It is only relevant to give backstory as to why I am so unsure of myself and my feelings in this moment.