I have been with my boyfriend for almost 5 months now, and things have been great. I sleep over at his place multiple times a week and we live together when I go on breaks from school. Living with him, I feel like I’ve gotten to know him so much better and I can confidently say I genuinely love him and see a future with him. So of course I was shocked and scared when his ex-girlfriend told me he r@ped her.
She sent me a text on Instagram, we made small talk and I didn’t even know who she was. I just assumed it was someone who wanted to befriend me. A couple of days into our talking, she said she is my boyfriend’s ex. They dated almost two years ago and this was validated by my bf cause I asked him. I don’t care to have a relationship with her so I asked why she hit me up? She said she was trying to warn me because I seem sweet and doesn’t want me to get hurt like she did. She told me my bf r@ped her multiple times throughout their relationship and even hit her??? I didn’t respond. I don’t know what to say to her. I haven’t even told my bf because I can’t bring myself to.
My bf has never hit me or even made me feel uncomfortable ever. Early on in our relationship, I was coping with the grief of losing my cousin and I was a little bit bitchy to him and he remained calm and never even raised his voice at me. I don’t believe he did what she said, but I also can’t ignore it. What kind of person would I be to do such? As much as I don’t want to consider it what if she’s being honest? I’m scared more than anything.
They broke up because he just wasn’t happy in their relationship, I guess he stopped liking her. He never said she was crazy or anything and they made no attempts to get back together, so why would she lie??
25 comments
Talk to him about this. Talk to him in detail about this.
Youre right. I would be just as confused as you are. And i am a guy so my advice probably isnt welcome. But i would tell a close friend or family member of the situation. (So they are aware) and then i would confront him. That way if he DOES snap, you have people. I highly doubt he will, even if the allegations are true. Also, dont play a judge. You want him to be honest. Be real with him, but not stern. If he says no, i would trust him and revert back to the stranger. If she gives you proof or info. Confront him. Also… ik abuse is abuse, r@pe is r@pe. But ask for specifics if she is willing to talk about it. If you feel safe. Then ur “mission” should be find as much information as you can. The second you stop feeling safe, i would focus on security. But rn you need as much information as possible from both parties. And tell ur bf that you trust him, and would he willing to work. But you would definitely want to he aware of his passed, especially if he has been violent at one point. People grow, and he could he perfectly fine human looking for a better life. It was 2 years ago. But for ur safety. I would find information
Idk why people are saying to show him. Y’all expect him to be like “yes, I raped and abused her”. Like??? Not sure what else to do, though
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He dumped her and wasn’t alarmed when she reached out to you suddenly?
I can definitely see a scenario where she made this up because she is jealous of your relationship and wants to punish him.. who knows… since it’s so easy to lie about someone like this I would take it with a grain of salt.
Maybe have an “open mind”.. I would probably tell him about it even but I don’t think I would end it based on what she said. I would need more evidence
Give her the benefit of the doubt to provide you with more information at the very least. If shes telling the truth, this is about your safety. Ask her if she could provide some examples/stories and try to use it to your advantage when speaking with him without alerting anything. See how you feel he responded to certain things you casually said and then sit down and bring up your detailed information and see how he reacts. If you hear her out, you potentionally have a huge upper hand to not being manipulated. If she’s lying? So what, fuck people like that, they can rot in hell, block and move on happily.
Ask her for any evidence, like text messages.
Asking your BF makes no sense; he is not going to say he did anything if he actually did.
It’s pretty suspious the way she went about it. I mean was she not going to tell you if you weren’t “sweet”? It is like she started by building up your trust before dropping that on you.
Be cautious. Remember that abusers are almost always sweet and calm at the beginning of a relationship.
When I was 19 and my abusive ex-boyfriend started dating another girl, I hit her up on Facebook and warned her. I told her everything he did to me, and how good he was at lying and pretending he was a normal person, and to just be careful. I knew she was unlikely to believe me, but I couldn’t in good conscience stay silent and not give her a heads up. What if something happened to her, something worse than what happened to me, and I had the chance to warn her but didn’t? Of course she didn’t believe me. Of course he said I was crazy. I then had to deal with him harassing me for months afterwards, then saying I started it.
A year later, she messaged me on Facebook saying I was right, and she was sorry she didn’t listen to me. I told her she had nothing to be sorry about.
These things are hard. Due to my past, I am probably more inclined to believe her. Ask her for more details. Places, dates. Does she have photos? Does she have screenshots of him speaking abusively over text?
Fiona Apple has a song called “Newspaper” that touches on the unique experience of seeing your abusive ex-boyfriend with a new woman. It really resonates with me.
Just keep it in the back of your mind. U guys are still pretty new, I would ask for evidence. It’s a he said, she said Situation. There’s not much to go on.
A woman did that once, she tried to talk to me and I never took her seriously.
It took five years of my life wasted and him getting violent / r@py / verbally abusive on a daily basis for me to finally believe that girl.
It took him two years to start to show his true face.
She’s got nothing to gain from telling you this. I would take it as a warning. I would not talk to him about it at this stage, but I would be open-minded about any signs that come up further along the road.
I’m sure that if this is true, your boyfriend lulled his ex into a false sense of security at first, and that there was a honeymoon period before the scary stuff began.
Your relationship is very new. It could be an initial charming phase.
She has done a brave thing by warning you, and I’m sure she will expect you not to believe her. But if it is true, then I bet she wishes like anything that someone had told her to be on the lookout.
This is a tricky one. Could be a disgruntled ex that stalks him…..found you on his page and is trying to cause some trouble. I find the whole “because you seen sweet” line troubling. How does she know how you are? Also, would she have with held that info if you did not seem sweet? Usually liars have a hard time keeping up with them while truth never wavers. If you were me I would be asking her a lot of details about where it happened, when it happened….how did it happen and of charges were filed. And then I would confront him. If she’s a liar she will give enough details to hang herself with when inconsistencies turn up everywhere. If she is truthful then he will the one looking more like he’s panicking, hurling out excuses and not consistent. Remember too, regards of anything, never tolerate abuse of any kind and get out fast the moment something starts as it will never get better and only worse down the road.
Hi, this is really difficult for you and you have been given lots of different advice.
I advise you not asking him yet and see if you can get more information first. Even if the ex is telling the truth he’s unlikely to admit it to you. 5 months isn’t long in a relationship for you to really get to know someone.
Ask her for more details and evidence. Did she report the abuse, for example. Is there a record?
And do confide in a close friend you can trust.
Id leave. Not worth it, but that’s just me.
This one is difficult. There is of course more than one reason thay she could be doing this.
> They broke up because he just wasn’t happy in their relationship, I guess he stopped liking her.
How do you know this? Do you know this?
It sounds like you know nothing of their relationship and can’t judge how likely the ex is to be telling the truth to me. She might be, she might not be. I’d say there’s no reason to immediately end the relationship at the first accusatin, but it might be worth seeing if there is any actual evidence to support her claim (there likely isn’t, or she’d have sent it.)
Best to just be careful and keep an eye out for red flags.
> I can confidently say I genuinely love him and see a future with him.
You’ve been together 5 months, maybe don’t do that yet.
I would be very careful. My exes new gf thinks he’s lovely too. He’s not
I’ve been considering reaching out to my exes new gf as well. Decided not to as she probably won’t believe me and he will probably retaliate. Somewhere I also hope for her that he has changed?? Just understand you only know him 5 months. Which is nothing. Be very careful and tell your friends to keep an eye on you and to tell you honestly if they worry about anything. They might be seeing things you are not seeing yet. It could be a jealous ex, could also be real. Take care!!
I’ve been you. A girl had sought me out at a carnival and broke down crying telling me she had been raped by my then boyfriend. She was on LSD at the time, so I chose not to believe her. Six months later, he assaulted me while I was asleep. And that’s something I’ve never recovered from. Don’t risk it. That’s my best advice. He may seem sweet and caring in the beginning. They always do. That’s why it’s so hard to accept someone else’s testimony. It’s a horrible spot to be in, but I’m hoping my circumstances may give you something to reflect on. It’s better to be safe than sorry here.
When I got back together with my ex after a few years of them living in a different state, a mutual friend of ours heard about it and reached out to warn me that they were verbally and physically abusive to their previous girlfriend. I thought hey, even if it’s true, maybe I can help them change. Those six months with them were the darkest time of my life. That friend was absolutely trying to warn me. They were abusive and now i count every day without them to be a blessing. People often don’t show their true colors immediately.
It took my ex 1 year as a perfect partner before he started to show his true colours.
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Honestly, I would be very wary and not put myself in a position of being dependant (i.e. have another place to stay if he kicks you out, have your own income, your own friends and support system etc)
abusers never show their true colours at first. some only become abusive when you are dependant, others when you get married or have a kid etc.
I’m not saying your bf IS an abuser, but I would definitely look to see if I could find other exes of his, and I would be very careful.
Some people are deeply troubled and abusive but only show it in certain circumstances or to certain people.
I know of people who live normal lives but did awful things in college and then either had it covered up with the help of their parents or blackmailed the victims to not tell anyone.
Sadly theres little to evidence for alot of abuse/ sexual assault, especially that can be seen years later.
Be careful and mindful of any red flags or anything off. If you see any, address it immediately and see how he responds. You’ll know if you need to run and don’t forget to thank her if you do.
I have known the sweetest guy who’s girlfriend ruined him with slander because she told everyone that he was repeatedly being atrocious to her. He ended up having to move to another city because of all the gossip – I don’t believe for a second that he did all that, she was just hurt that he broke up with her and she wanted to destroy him (and succeeded).
However, now you have been warned. If your boyfriend makes you feel even the slightest bit uncomfortable/unsafe you shouldn’t stay and see how it goes, you should run for the hills.