I am 35M and been in two LTR’s where they both broke up with me to “work on themselves.” I do not know how I could have done things differently. But I am getting tired of not being able to build a future.
– First one, we were both age 29 and dated 2.5 years. We were aiming for marriage and deeply in love. She told me at the very beginning she dealt with depression on and off, and had insecurities she worked on (but who does not?) We were happy but then she tarted getting distant last 9mo of our relationship. Her personality changed and she became more irritable and short tempered. Her professional life became very stressful and challenging, working longer hours and burnout, and she started becoming distant. I tried my best to be understanding and supportive. She started seeing therapy about 6mo before we broke up. Towards the end she told me she was too burned out and needed time for herself and deal with her own underlying mental health issues. She had severe depression and needed to work it out. I was heartbroken but wished her well.
– Second and most recent, I was age 33 and dated 2 years. She was 28. From the start, she made me aware she was seeing therapy and had past emotional trauma from previous relationships. She took depression medication. I did not care, I am very open minded and supportive. Same thing, we fell deeply in love and I really thought she was “the one” like the last one. We talked about marriage and were preparing to move in together. I was saving for a ring. We targeted Spring 2024 for me to move into her home. I found a renter for my house. She also had a stressful career, worked long hours, and dealt with burnout. Recognizing the symptoms I encouraged her to find another job, but due to the bad job market she was unable to find one in our area that paid as well. We spent Holiday 2023 with her family and it was great. Then she started deteriorating and became distant. She broke up with me on Friday. She is moving to the other side of the country for a new job and company, which she did not tell me before about. She said she loved me but had to be on her own and get to a better place internally. I’m devastated but understanding. We had an emotional but mature closure and wished each other well.
**Both relationships we always kept communication open. It was not necessarily a surprise both women ended, but I was always optimistic we could make it work together and deal with her mental anguish as partners. I encouraged her therapy and medication as needed**.
I insisted on regular check-ins and took our love seriously. I tried my best to be a flexible and supportive partner during their emotional episodes and depression. But ultimately, both women needed to work on themselves.
**Both women made it clear I was a great partner and had high emotional IQ. Both said it was not my fault. We both worked stressful professional careers, long hours, and I am understanding from my own WLB coping. But I always knew how to leave work at the office. They could not and that exacerbated their depression.**
I am now mid-30s and have craved wanting to start my next chapter with my life partner. Both women said they were looking for the same and we had aligned from the start on common goals, values, religion, politics, children etc. All looked great on paper. Both said they sought marriage like me from day one. Yet both ended our LTR’s because they could not commit from their mental health struggles.
**Forgive me but I now feel betrayed and wasting my time for not being selfish for my own wants and needs. Which is of course wrong to feel and I am working thru my emotions.**
When can I find someone who is stable enough to want to build a life together? I do not want to “waste” another 2+ years with invested emotional effort to be passed on again because she could not meet my commitment due to her own issues.
**Is it wrong I now have to really consider “Red Flags” for her mental health when I start dating again?**
Everyone is allowed to see therapy and work on themselves. Both women said they were committed to building a future life from the beginning. I made sure they were serious like me. Turns out both were not as serious and could not meet me halfway, despite me trying my best to support her.
Can anyone relate? Anyone have advice?