…that you *know* is abusive, but yet you still love them? Throwaway account for obvious reasons.
I’ve been dating this guy since graduating college several years ago; my first relationship; and I felt (and still do, frankly, feel) like he’s The One™️. He made me feel wanted when my parents were overtly abusive, and has always been there for me.
Except where it comes to my boundaries. I set a boundary, he accepts it for a month or two, and then starts pushing at it again until he breaks it, and every time he breaks a boundary I tend to cave in a bit, and I always feel bad afterward because I’m not ready for that, and I have to reiterate that the boundary is still there, and he gets all defensive (rightfully) that I should tell him in the moment, but he promises to maintain the boundary, and then… we repeat ad infinitum. But then when we’re in those periods where he respects said boundaries, it’s just about everything I ever hoped for in a relationship. He’s kind, and loving, and shows me all these fun new games and movies, which have always been an interest of mine. He helps me feel more secure and self-confident about everything, and he tells me he loves me and…
Anyway, it’s been brought to my attention from friends that this is another form of abuse, and so I’m wanting to break up with him, but how do I build up that courage? Every time I try to talk to him about it I just keep remembering the good, and remembering I have to take the bad with the good and this is just *his* bad, and I lose my nerve all over again. How do you do it? Or, alternatively, am I just a shit girlfriend making monsters out of shadows, like I feel every time I try building up that nerve?
3 comments
Well, will you be able to keep forgetting the bad stuff for your whole life? I don’t think you will ever have that courage, people in these kind of situations usually don’t. This breakup needs to come from your rational side of brain that is telling you that it is the right thing to do, and you should listen to it.
You sound very dependent of him, which is the main problem. You can’t let your confidence and security come from partner, otherwise all of your relationship would be like this.
You do it by realizing that you deserve much better and that love is not and never will be enough. Don’t just talk about breaking up with him. Go through with it. No one can force you to stay with him. So why be with someone that obviously makes you unhappy. He won’t change and it won’t get better.
Check out thehotline.org. if an abusive person was bad all the time you wouldn’t have been with him this long. Abuse is a cycle where there are periods of bad and then apologies and all is good then goes back to bad.
“remembering I have to take the bad with the good and this is just his bad” No one is perfect but you don’t have to take the bad when the bad is abusive or violates your boundaries. Since your parents were abusive you may nor even know what it is to be truely treated with love and respect. He may seem great because the standards were set so low for you. A person who continually doesn’t respect your boundaries is not loving and kind.