Me and my ex partner dated a few years back and while we never worked out, largely due to just wanting different things, we split amicably and do talk sometimes but we aren’t friends. While we were dating her parents became very close to me. Over the years I’ve constantly been around for them, helped them move, often go for drinks or auctions with my exes dad and sometimes dinner with her mum, as I drive I was often the person that took my exes mum and dad to hospital appointments while he was off work from a severe spinal injury, even stayed over to help cook and clean during that time, as my ex was studying in Malaysia at the time and could not make it back home due to covid travel restrictions (UK based, and it was very difficult at the time). They essentially treat me like family and I treat them the same. We have a lot of similiar hobbies (cycling and triathlons specifically, I compete but they tend to just support it and join in when I train as they are/were both huge on cycling) When I vanish for a few days off apps or anything else they usually call or knock my apartment and check up to see if I’m okay, they genuinely do care for me and I do the same back, as I didn’t grow up with much of a caring family life it’s something that means a great deal to me. They even had a second Christmas dinner on boxing day recently just so they could invite me seperate to my ex, as we don’t get along very well and it is often awkward as you’d imagine.
It’s something to me that has become seperate of my ex partner and I’ve moved on from her and she has from me, we’re both happier apart, I’ve had other partners since with my exes parents even asking and showing support and giving me advice regarding it. I understand how it can sound one sided when I bring up my family life as well as only hearing my side of this, but they’ve genuinely become like family to me.
Recently my ex partner came to visit me to tell me she’s getting married and if I’d stop contact with her parents as she doesn’t want it to be awkward with her new partner, as her parents don’t seem to take much interest in him as they do/did with me, as much as I’d wish the best for her it’s truly left me heartbroken that she wanted me to cut off contact with people that I love as family and I feel loved by. I explained it isn’t as easy as just cutting them out of my life which just caused an argument and she left.
I’m really lost on what to do here and feel the situation is being placed on me entirely, if someone has advice I’d genuinely appreciate it.
32 comments
Cut the ties man, show some respect and let them go. It’s hard to move on but it’s for the best.
Talk to the parents about it. You shouldn’t have to cut contact but they do need to partition this relationship so it doesn’t affect them also building a different relationship with her new husband.
I think it is a reasonable request on her behalf. Unfortunately for you & them, that chapter needs to close. Thank them for being a part of your life, but out of respect to your ex, you are going to be ending the friendship.
We see this all the time from your ex’s perspective where the parents keep inviting an ex over to try and rekindle things/because they prefer the ex (you) better. The end result is normally they get cut off by their own child for not respecting their life choices.
Everybody in this situation is an adult, and adults can make their own decisions regarding who they keep in their company. I wonder if she ONLY came to you, and not to her own parents, with this demand.
Go talk to her parents. They are your friends, and they are her parents. You have no relationship with their daughter any more, but they do, and I would assume they want to keep it intact. This is something that should be between her and her parents, not between her and you.
Ask the parents but be prepared for the relationship to change.
I see both sides of this. It sounds like your friendship with her parents is inadvertently interfering with her fiancé’s ability to bond with his future in laws. They might subconsciously wish that she had married you instead and that feeling is keeping them from fully embracing her new partner.
I realize you care about these people dearly, but do you really want to be perceived as the son in law who got away? Maybe instead of cutting off contact, you could make them aware that you’ve been informed that the way they behave towards their daughter’s fiancé is deeply affecting her. Don’t throw her under the bus by revealing what she asked you to do. Just tell them that she’s upset and since you want her to be happy and vice versa, you felt obligated to say something.
i don’t think it’s appropriate for them to have kept in contact with you at all from the beginning. if you ever plan on getting married or anything your new partner might not be okay with it either. it’s just all around weird.
>Separate me to my ex, as we don’t get along very well and it is often awkward as you’d imagine
I don’t understand why you insisted on being in contact with them in the first place. You don’t have kids together so there isn’t really any reason for them to be as close to you as they are, as you broke up amicably.
If they’re having trouble accepting her soon-to-be husband solely bc you’re still in the picture and not due to any issues on his end, it’s past time you end the friendship. She told you why, and that should be enough for you. Besides, would they even admit to treating the incoming SIL different? I doubt it, as any reasonable person wouldn’t be friends with their child’s ex if grandchildren weren’t involved.
Also, she probably already asked her parents and they refused, or she knows they would refuse, that’s why it’s on you.
I once had a really close friendship that was long distance for about 8 years before I moved across States and became roommates with said friend. Friendship died badly 2 years later. Their parents still wanted me around and even had a Christmas stocking with my name on it. It broke me but I had to decline being around anymore. There is something about sitting at the table with someone’s family when the feelings have run cold that will always disturb hapiness.
Be careful OP, you may be the axe that severs the family tree. Best of luck navigating this.
I think it’s very weird that you are still hanging around her parents.
My ex still calls my Mom and we broke up in 2019
I used to think it’s weird but I actually honestly don’t care, I just don’t want to hear about it lol.
>They even had a second Christmas dinner on boxing day recently just so they could invite me seperate to my ex, as we don’t get along very well and it is often awkward as you’d imagine.
i’m sorry, you’re having a second christmas dinner with them without their own daughter because the two of you don’t get along?
>I didn’t grow up with much of a caring family life it’s something that means a great deal to me.
you have to realise they won’t replace your family right?
what are your long-term plans? what happens when you start dating someone else? what happens when you get married? have kids? will you have two christmases as well? will your wife and kids go to both? what happens if they get sick, like truly sick? will you care for them? will you make an end-of-life decision? when you have kids, what kind of relationship will they have with them? what about your ex’s children? just how long is this going to go on, and what will it look like decades from now?
to be honest, it seems that a whole lot of this situation is on the parents. the fact that they’ll come to check up on you if you’re away for even a few days. i wouldn’t be surprised if they tell your ex all the time how unfortunate it is that you two couldn’t work it out, and i wouldn’t be surprised if she tried to talking to them first and is asking you now.
and all of that said, there maybe isn’t really much you can do at this point if her parents aren’t going to follow suit, but you have to understand why she’s asking this of you. she’s desperately trying to keep her family.
i’m not saying you have to completely cut contact (especially since it might just not be entirely up to you), but this looks very strange from an outsider’s perspective, and i’m feeling a lot of sympathy for your ex here.
You should have stopped this relationship with your ex’s parents when you broke up. This is crossing boundaries and against social norms. If your ex is about to be married and you’re basically best friends with her parents against her wishes, it keeps you tied into the family and puts her and her husband in an uncomfortable situation.
You’re not the only one in the wrong here. Her parents are dicks too for keeping this relationship with you going.
Back the hell off. Stop being so self-absorbed. I adored my ex’s mother but cutting contact is part of the process – and the respectful thing to do. You are NOT their son or their son in law, so stop being the weird creepy ex who won’t stop orbiting.
Why are you in contact with her parents? You can’t move on lol find friend and people in your life to interact with.
I agree with her, leave them alone.
I’m in agreement with your ex. Put yourself in her fiances shoes. They had a whole separate dinner for you! meanwhile their relationship isnt progressing and he’s the one about to be her husband . Imagine they want kids?
Access to her parents is a perk of dating her. You’re not dating her. Imagine she still wanted access to your wallet cause grew up with very little and has gotten attached to the lifestyle and it’s made her a better person. Your wallet was always there to comfort her when she was down
Lol, you get the point . Somethings are a package deal of dating someone and once you’re over you shouldn’t still reap the rewards especially if it affects the new partner
Honestly, I think your arrangement with you ex’s parents is kind of weird, and would not participate in that myself.
However, you’re not dating her anymore so what she wants between you and her parents doesn’t really matter since you already have no relationship with her. She can give her wishes to her parents who do have a relationship with her, and they can choose to respect her boundaries or not.
I do feel kind of sorry for her though, because her husband may have a strained relationship with his in laws because of it. Which isn’t good for her relationship with her parents or her marriage.
Really depends on how much of a relationship you still have with her and if you actually care about her at all. If not, what’s between her parents and you is only your own business as far as you’re concerned.
Imagine you break up with someone but then learn they’re round at your parents all the time, having Christmas meals, he’s driving them to hospital and going on bike rides.
And you’re powerless to stop this dude from having this relationship with your own parents.
Sounds like the premise of a Netflix drama called “He won’t fucking leave”.
I know it sounds harsh but you and her parents have crossed a boundary. No wonder her parents are having difficulty moving on and bonding with her fiancé.
She is 100% in the right to ask you to stop seeing _her parents_.
If was in your exes position if wonder why my parents love my ex more than me because the moment I break up I want my ex gone from my live. Amicable or not. The way you stayed in their life is maybe meant well but I feel you also just love causing trouble for her. Imagine she had stayed in your parents life and your new wife would never be accepted as she was.
i was friends with my ex’s mom in so many ways totally separate from him in my 20s
as the years went on, we talked less and less as i actually fully disconnected from her son
do i miss her? yes. do i realize it wasn’t as separated as either of us said? yes.
I’ve gotta just be blunt. But I’d *really* resent an ex who became bffs with my parents after a split, even if we remained amicable. However, I’d probably be angrier with my parents, considering they’re choosing to prefer you and not bond with the person she’s chosen to spend her life with. There’s many possibilities here, about why she’s choosing to come to you instead of her parents with this, but it doesn’t really change that this isn’t something she should even *need* to ask any of you guys.
Yeah, I dunno, I think keeping contact and building on it is super weird, and I think it’s time to let it go. You and your ex clearly aren’t in a position where this is fair to her….time to *actually* break up already.
ETA guys, the comments I’m getting here…good grief. There’s *paragraphs* in the OP for you to comment on. Stop adding in details that weren’t in the post. Just…it’s really not hard to just read the post, and not decide to add your own story elements to it.
>They even had a second Christmas dinner on boxing day recently just so they could invite me
Her parents realy hate her, huh?
No, cut it off. This relationship with her parents should have ended with the one you had with your ex. Respect her wishes and let them be. Too many boundaries have been crossed have been crossed, and idk how y’all let this go on for this long.
Well, yeah, it’s weird, man. Also, how are you going to explain this to any future woman you date?
I’m sure they’re great people, but anyone would be weirded out by a guy that hangs with his exes folks all the time. It makes it look like you’re hung up on her, even if it’s not the case.
My husband had parents like this. Extremely friendly with his ex to the point it made me uncomfortable, so I refuse to join them for holidays. And my husband did not want to spend holidays apart. After a few Christmases without their son, they decided it was best if they no longer had such an intense relationship with his ex.
I had a friend whose ex was friends with his mother, and that whole dynamic got sour eventually. Probably best to give them some space for now.
Stuff like this sucks, but it is sadly the norm of breaks ups, you will lose people on their side that you were close to. You lose their parents, friends, siblings, daughters, etc when you break up, even if they were important to your life
You’re so fkg weird. They’re not your family. You need to get that in your head. Search friends of your age bc we all know it’s not about the friends part only. You either want a family or you love staying connected to your ex. No matter what it is, it’s weird as hell.
Reddit is also weird for siding with you. If you were a woman they‘d call you the crazy, obsessed ex by now. You get away thanks to your gender. Point still stands tho, you’re the crazy ex that can’t let go.
Sounds like she needs to stop talking to all of y’all tbh, that’s what I would’ve done
Honestly, a parent’s job is to support their child. Keeping in contact with the EX of their child is toxic to their child, and to their child’s future partner.
No one wants to be close with, or around their partners EX, or have a relationship with the parents of their partner if the EX is around.
Plain and simple. You would be selfish by continuing on having a relationship with your EX’s parents, especially when she is asking for you to stop. Not to mention it would be a red flag to your future partner if you are still involved with the parents of your EX. Actions speak louder than words, and your future partner will only see you aren’t ready to let your EX go. Doesn’t matter if you say you are over them or not.
Edited
You should have cut contact years ago. This is is really disrespectful to her and crosses every boundary out there. Breaking up means not having you in her life anymore and I’m sorry to say you’re like an invasive species that just won’t leave right now.
Break up with the parents already.
Stop contacting your ex’s parents. That’s weird af.