I don’t even know where to begin honestly. We have been together about a year and lived together since last summer. I am in the process of buying a house on my own and he is going to move in with me and help pay a portion of the mortgage.
I heard the song Deeper Well by Kacey Musgrave and for some reason I can’t get the “There is two kinds of people, one is a giver and one is always trying to take all they can take” and I got the ICK because this is my boyfriend. It isn’t only the fact that he is a taker.
I do not feel desired sexually by him. We average sex about once a month since we moved in. I last flat out told him in mid Feb that I don’t feel desired by him sexually. Then the next weekend I had to ask if everything was okay because he seemed off. He said yeah and things are great. But he didn’t make any effort to show he desired me. It’s been almost 4 weeks since I said I didn’t feel desired and nothing changes. I usually bring this to his attention (the lack of sex and affection) at least once a month and he says I don’t give enough time between talks or appreciate the little improvements he is doing. But I’ve been pretty clear about my needs. I don’t need sex but just intimacy and being naked with him and that doesn’t happen. He says he doesn’t feel good in his body but he has a better body than me. It is making me feel self conscious. It is also making me question if is even sexually attracted to me or just using me for my money. I make almost 3 x what he does. He also comments on how muscular other guys are at the gym and he says he is jealous. (Thinking he wants to muscular so maybe it is body issues).
Another thing is the last time I Brough up the lack of feeling desired he gave me an ultimatum and said I need to find a therapist. I said, I agree but I want you to find a couples therapist and to get tested for HSV since he is using that as excuse to not be physical with me, even though he knew I had it and it didn’t stop him in the beginning of the relationship. He said he would. I met his deadline. This was 3 weeks ago. He did not find a couples therapist for us. He didn’t get test for hsv. It just feel like he doesn’t respect me.
Another thing is just house chores. I end up taking on the brunt of the work cause I work from home. I did stop picking up after him and learning to just live with the mess, but I can’t stand the house being dirty I do most of the vacuuming and cleaning. He claims these are just chores and mean nothing to him and that I don’t get special credit for doing them. I get in trouble for keeping score. But he doesn’t show initiative and actually clean. He would walk right past a bunch of grass the dogs bring in and it would mean nothing to him.
I feel bad because I think he is a good person. I am divorced. He is divorced. He was married for almost 8 years. I was married 6. I honestly can’t get it out my head that I deserve better and would be better off alone. Neither of us wanted to be divorced or to break up with our husbands. I think that is why I have stayed so long while not getting what I need. I have spoke my needs multiple times with little improvement and I am too young to have sexless unhappy relationship. Is there something I can say or do to get him to wake up? I also should mention that he probably on the spectrum which makes it harder.
I feel like I am letting him down. He relies on me a lot financially. He wouldn’t be able to afford to live here on his own. I am okay with being roommates but the lack of him helping out with the house just makes me want to be alone. With the house I am buying he uses words like our money or our payment which kinda hurts because it negates the fact that I am using a significant amount of MY savings to get the house. I am buying the new furniture. I ask his input for things and he picks semi expensive stuff. Eventually the money machine is going to shut off. Then what? IDK what to do. I def want to try counseling but I don’t want to have to be the one to set it up.
TLDR: I am constantly having to have chats with my bf about my very basic needs not being met. He says to give it time. I feel like I do and nothing changes so now I am considering breaking up with him. I am not usually the one to end things. I have been vocal about everything so it should not be a surprise but I don’t know what to do. Any advice is appreciated.
4 comments
His finances are not your concern. You listed a whole bunch of very valid reasons why you should break up and the reason you can’t is because he’s a mooch you have to pay for? That’s another reason to break up, not a reason to stay.
If you stay in relationships that are unsatisfying, you will continue to be unsatisfied. I don’t think you should be together.
This guy isn’t partner material, and you already realize that. Don’t buy a new house with this guy delulu that it is your shared house, you’re just asking for problems. Dump him now, figure out what you need in a partner and screen future people for being that person. Don’t just settle for whatever leftovers were available at the time you were single. You know what you need, and he’s *unwilling* to try to be that person. Just accept him for what he isn’t, and he’s not the person you need or even want.
OP, if you’ve only been together a year and are already having so many fundamental issues, you are just not compatible. I feel you may be trying to make this work because you moved so quickly with him – if you had held off on living together, would you still be in this relationship?
You can’t fix someone not respecting you. That is just a baseline expectation in a relationship and if he’s not even meeting that bar, there’s nothing to salvage here. I think you know what needs to be done. You’ve laid out what you need over and over. He is not going to do it. Take that at face value and make your decision from there.