TLDR; boyfriend recently discovered the field he wants to enter is predominantly nighttime hours. I work day time. Our schedules would literally be opposite. We have both sacrificed and compromised for each other without even a second thought. I don’t want to hold him back, but I don’t want to leave him “for his own good,” that makes it seem like I’m deciding for him and like I “know what’s best for him.” I would do anything to stay with him, and he feels the same with me. He’s thinking about entering a different field doing the same work (music production. He wants to work with artists, but is considering a different area like composition where the hours are more daytime.)
Hey guys. So me and my bf have been in a relationship for a year and six months. We love each-other immensely. We met on Tinder and just talked for a year, saw each other here and there. I didn’t want a relationship in general, let alone with someone 6 years younger than me. But he was the only person that would go out of their way to talk to me, and he helped me come out of a really dark part of my life. I was jobless, living at home, drinking 1/3 gal of vodka a day, eating only once a day, etc.. He was in college 7 hours away, going for sound recording (I.e. music production). He spent almost a year asking me out, which I found confusing because I was a loser nobody with nothing going for me. I kept telling him he’s wonderful, but I’m not ready for a relationship, and that he should explore other possible relationships at college.
So, he said some stuff that got him a bad reputation on campus, and it was either that or his less than stellar social skills (I’m not a butterfly myself fyi) that prevented him from finding something deeper than a hookup. At some point I stopped suggesting it as I felt it was more hurtful than anything. After many nights of confiding with eachother on FaceTime, sharing memes, talking politics and deeper topics, I started to question why I haven’t said yes to someone I’m compatible with, and who is very interested in me. So when he asked me again (he turned it into a joke for a while lol), I said yes.
We did long distance for almost 9 months. We had an open arrangement, with the only “rules” being that we tell eachother before we hookup, or if we don’t have the chance, tell the other person as soon as possible after. He had some hookups, but I didn’t even bother because I was so exhausted from being a drunken homebody. Fast forward to the spring, he comes back home for summer. We agreed prior to go exclusive when he comes back, and things are good. I get a job (after 5 years of unemployment) at an oil change shop to save up so I can move in with him near his college.
Some info for context. I do not come from a well to do family. Parents divorced, sister always in trouble and running away from home. We were very poor from the time I was 2-14. Lower class from 14-18. Now my mom is on the lower middle class side. We never got to go on kid friendly vacations. It was stuff like Lake George a couple times, Gettysburg, and Ogonquit Maine. It never bothered me until I got to be around 18-19 when I realized my childhood experiences were largely things my mom and her bf wanted to do, and I was just along for the ride. My mom never really supported my interests, presumably because she was broke. Couldn’t afford drum lessons, couldn’t take me to ride rollercoasters, etc.. I had an old computer that I was on every waking moment because there was nothing else to do, so she figured I was content. I was just escaping the psychological abuse (yelling at me for no reason when got home from work, silent treatments, shaming). I was escaping the bullying at school. I was escaping my drug addicted sister’s blowouts with my mom and her boyfriends. When I got to high school my mom rarely paid attention to me because she was busy working on her masters degree. I was having trouble in math, and the school provided student tutor never showed up, I asked my mom if she could help get me a tutor, and she just said they are too expensive. Which crushed me. Before I graduated, and I was looking into college, I asked my mom if we could look into colleges for me. She basically said she only wants me to go to the local community college. I said I wanted to go and be with likeminded people, and also the CC didn’t have any programs I was interested in. Still no. I said i’ll take out loans myself and go. She said she wouldn’t financially help me at all if I do that. So, I settled for the CC. Long story short I met nobody that I got along with, made no new friends, and stuck with my friends from HS who went there for manufacturing. I just fell back on carpentry, working for my mom’s bf, where he would regularly degrade me and intimidate me. I decided to go for the electronics engineering tech program at the CC. All of my friends dropped me because I became depressed to the point of psychosis bc of the abuse at home and work. One day my mom’s bf threw a boxcutter knife at me at work. I broke down and lost all hope for life. Every ounce of energy, happiness, hope- completely gone. I secluded myself from the world from 2018 to 2023.
Sorry for giving my life story, I assume context will be important.
This is where things get difficult. He starts talking about internships, traveling for work, trips he wants to go on (like Birthright, as he is Jewish), etc.. he comes from an upper middle class family. Lawyers, doctors, etc.. So frequent vacations, he got everything he asked for, parents supported his hobbies, he chose the school he went to. Basically opposite life from me.
I did not know about this stuff before I said yes. I told him that because my life growing up was largely disappointment and abuse, I would likely grow resentful or emotionally unable to handle if he was traveling a lot. He said he loves me so much that he would forgo those things. Then he started looking at internships recently, and he found out that most recording jobs are evenings/nights. I work 10-6 M-F, he would work 6-however late. Also I didn’t want to move 7 hours away with him if it meant I would have no social life. He constantly reassured me I would find friends. He was completely wrong. People on campus stick to other students, and the locals (very few of which are close to my age) are very reserved. It’s a small town college town in a rural area. I go to work, come home at 6:30, eat, drink, and sleep, unless he suggests something else we can do. I’ve tried making friends but people here do not welcome “outsiders.”
Anyway, the majority of his internships would mean completely opposing schedules. I want to finish my program, get an internship, and then work towards my B.E.. but regardless my jobs will likely all be daytime jobs. I always planned on working a regular day job, coming home to my partner most nights, having dinner together, and doing things on the weekend. A normal, average life.
I told him that it is appearing as though things won’t work out. I need someone to come home and have dinner with. I literally can’t eat alone, I have to force myself to eat which just makes me feel sick. I have no social life outside my coworkers. My life is very sad when he isn’t in the picture.
We are madly in love, and I would never ask him to give up any of his dreams for me. I told him he should move on, find someone who is in his field or similar, and pursue his dreams. He said he would forever regret leaving me and he doesn’t want to be with someone else. I feel the same way. I want him to pursue the life he dreamed of, but I think it would be super wrong if I broke up with him “for his own good.” Something about it seems patronizing and counterintuitive.
I don’t know what to do. We both kind of agreed that life just puts people in impossible situations where one thing must be sacrificed for another thing. I always knew this. That’s how life is when you are poor. He only just started experiencing “real life” as his socioeconomic privileges shielded him from reality. He is distraught, i’m an anxious and depressed mess.
I don’t think there is any good advice for our situation. But if anyone here does, I’d really appreciate it. Thank you in advance. I can answer any questions or clarify anything as needed.
Update: I just assumed 2nd shift engineering jobs don’t exist. Apparently I was wrong and worked up for basically no reason. We’re both pretty relieved now.