Me (19m) and my gf (20f) have been dating for 10 months and recently have been having sex trouble. It’s late and I’m typing this on my phone so excuse any gibberish and chalk it up to me trying to get this out as quick as possible because this is killing me. Our relationship started kinda odd, I was just coming out of a shitty relationship and was looking for a casual hook up. This was our relationship for a while as I got over my past relationship, we would hang and fuck. I always thought she was cool and she was really understanding and genuinely nice not just courtesy nice but genuinely cared for me as a person. This is her best quality she’s extremely empathetic and cares about others.
Obviously we caught feelings and started to date. Soon after dating the sex became few and far between, not extremely infrequent but just suddenly a lot less than when we were just “friends”. For context I’m extremely horny, and I know my sex drive is far above hers. That was never a problem. My love language is touch and physical affection and it’s the way I feel most connected to someone. I only feel this way in the context of a relationship. I feel extremely special sharing this with someone and ONLY this person. I’m strictly monogamous. Sex is just the ultimate expression of love to me.
I understand the same does not have to be for her. This sudden drop in sex was alright at first, I still loved this girl for everything else, she’s an amazing person. What gets to me about it is her lack of understanding of what sex is to me.
From the start of the relationship I have heard way too much about her exes. At first I didn’t want to seem insecure about hearing about other guys and I’m really not, TO A POINT. She would bring up exes like I wouldn’t be bothered by a thing. And to be clear she does not do this maliciously she is genuinely clueless as how this makes me uncomfortable. So at a point I had to say for my sake how little I want to hear about her exes. I don’t have a problem if it’s in the ways of communication and she needs to talk about past trauma from a bad ex. I care if it’s a story where the context of who was in it is meaningless to the story, she could just say “my ex”. She gets extremely detailed when she tells story’s and explains every person that was there who they were to her and even just random details about them. She’s a bad story teller but that’s aside the point I can listen to her yap all day. All that being said I still didn’t get bothered.
What got me was when she would talk about sex. This is where the problems actually start for us. Like previously stated sex means a lot to me and it’s special to share it with someone. She was not my first by any means but I want her to feel special and like I only think of her so I don’t really let on about past relationships, that’s just a personal choice. She would say painfully specific sex details about numerous other guys she had been with. I will give some of the worst examples but for context according to her all the other guys she was with treated her badly, until me she had a terrible relationship with sex and it was never about her pleasure once. She’s a crazy people pleaser and just let these people to tell her what to do because the fear of not being loved was dangled over her head. She is incredibly sweet and I believe this. So it would hurt more when I would hear this stuff because these were people that hurt her and didn’t respect her. Here are some of the worst ones, please remember this is in the context of her thinking this genuinely doesn’t upset me to hear:
Ex1: “your dick is the perfect size, it’s big but it doesn’t hurt, my (exes) was to big and it hurt me to much”. This was right after sex and she was telling me how good it was. She didn’t understand how much of a backhanded compliment this was to me especially right after sex. Not that dick size is something I’m insecure about mines plenty but why the fuck would I want to hear this after sharing such a special connection. This also happened multiple times because she genuinely thought it was a nice compliment. This one bothered me the most and I let her know how much I hated it.
Ex 2. She would talk about having sex in crazy places. This was fine we all have. What bothered me is she always talked about it like she had fun and it was something I always had fun doing in the past so I assumed she would be up for that. Turns out she was always pressured into it and hated it. It bothered me because she would talk about it all the time like she was was adventurous but in reality she never was into that and just wanted to seem cool to me.
Ex 3. She would constantly talk up how good she was at head because of being in a long term relationship (with an ex I unfortunately know to much about). While we were hooking up she would always give me head but as soon as it was official she made it clear she didn’t like it and would only give it if asked. She then complains about her jaw until I feel guilty so I just don’t ask for it. I love giving her head and get off on her feeing good. I understand that that’s a choice but I would rather her just say no instead of pretending like she’s fine with it than guilt tripping me.
There’s various other things but these are just some to give you context.
Of course as you can pick up it bothered me a lot so I told her. She immediately stopped and understood. But at this point I already heard to much to not think about it from time to time.
Now back to the problem at hand. Like I said her sex drive went down as soon as we started dating. She actually told me we had a lot of sex because she would have done anything to keep my attention when we weren’t official. This sucked to hear and she had no clue why and still doesn’t get why that’s frustrating to here.
Her lower sex drive is not the problem, it’s not so infrequent that I’m completely deprived. It’s the fact that that she acted like she was a hyper sexual person. Told me about it. We start dating. I find out all those sexual encounters made her uncomfortable and she is not like this and is actually extremely sensitive about sex and is so used to other people telling her what to do she doesn’t even know how to enjoy it.
I just want to feel like I’m as special as she say I am to her. It’s very hard to when I’m rejected for sex over and over when I know how she has been with people that actually treated her like shit at there beck and call.
Am I being crazy? Be honest am I being insecure as fuck? Is this a red flag? What do I do? How do I even go about bringing this up in full if I should at all?
This has been bothering me deeply because of the lack of sex. I really would not mind if it was frequent like she led on but because it’s so few and far between I feel less wanted, less valued then her pst relationships, and honestly less happy in the relationship.
Is this something that is valid to care about?
Td;lr: my gf let me know to much about her exes and it made me insecure