I (21M) started dating this girl Kate (22F) at the beginning of the year. We hit it off and things have been going great, we have been spending every weekend together since. She is very kind, supportive and has a good sense of humour. She’s really everything I could have asked for in a girlfriend and I like her a lot.
She has some issues though, she doesn’t have her high school diploma because of some very unfortunate circumstances involving abuse, a very close death in the family and being cheated on during the grieving process. She also doesn’t have a job right now because of what she claims are severe leg pains.
She is taking steps to fix her situation though, since we started going out she seems to have found something to fight for and has begun going to therapy, taking medication and is in the process of getting her GED started up. She is also trying to quit marijuana. I know that she has a lot of red flags but I know that she is a good person and I feel like if I can just help her get on the right track we could have something great.
Up until recently I’ve been living at my Dad’s place out of town for work and had to move back to my Mom’s to attend trade school. The first weekend at my mom’s, my girlfriend went to the mall with my sister and made a really stupid dumb mistake. She decided to shoplift, she stole a few candy bars, a cat toy for my cat and a make up kit from Sephora probably all totalling around 50 bucks.
She got caught and was told to give the stuff back. The real issue is that my sister who she was with is currently trying to be a police officer and obviously you can’t have anything on your record if that’s your goal. Kate immediately tried to fix the situation and apologized profusely and said that she didn’t tell my sister she was stealing because she didn’t want her to be involved. My sister told her it was fine because all her friends steal and her boyfriend steals in front of her.
I do want to mention that the only reason I didn’t dump Kate immediately was because she right away took ownership for her fuck up and tried to fix it and recognized that it was wrong, she grew up dirt poor and so she was always around people who stole and she stole here and there, it was never really something she thought too hard about because it was normalized. I talked with her and she swore on her dead family members grave that she would never do it again and I believe her.
My sister then went and told my mother and all hell broke loose, my mother banned Kate from the house which is really shitty for me because she lives an hour away so if she can’t come and stay for a few days that makes it really hard to spend time with her. She also said that Kate put my sister’s future at risk which I am not really informed enough on shoplifting laws in Canada to be able to say for sure if that’s accurate. I realize I should be more upset with Kate over this situation but she immediately tried to rectify her fuck up and took ownership and accountability of it so I was willing to give her another chance.
I tried to explain to my mother that if Kate is banned then all of my sisters friends and her boyfriend should be banned too because they do the same thing but she said no because I guess he steals groceries to live and she likes him better than her. I understand the wants vs needs argument but I just want to say that after all the shit she’s been through, this relationship is the first good thing that has happened to her in years so I can understand why she would feel like she needed the make up to be beautiful so I wouldn’t leave. I have never given her any indication that I have a problem with her appearance however.
My mother already didn’t like my girlfriend because she would overhear conversations where we were messing around and thought I was being abused and told me I needed to stand up for myself. I was very upset about this situation because of the blatant unfairness and “rules for thee but not for me”. My mother then started insulting Kate and telling me to break up with her. So for the last few days I’ve been distant and dickish because of my frustration, had my Mother applied the rules equally I wouldn’t have really been able to complain.
Today was a big explosion with my mother because I declined the invitation to attend her birthday dinner, which I think is fair given the circumstances. She told me that she wants me out of the house and when I’m gone she’s selling it, she wants me to take my cat too. She basically wants nothing to do with me and no ties to me, she said I’m now isolated from the family and I’m not allowed to speak to my grandfather because if he gets upset and has a heart attack I’ll be the Pariah of the family worse than I already am now.
I told my Dad about the situation and he yelled at me saying that my Mother was right, Kate is now banned from his house and I’m too pussy blind to see that I’m throwing my entire family away. They don’t even want to listen to reason, Kate is trying really really hard to get better and I want to help her but literally everyone in my family hating me and isolating me is an awful feeling. I don’t want to break up with her and grovel at everyone’s feet and beg for forgiveness but I feel like I have no choice here. I really don’t know what to do, I just need some advice. If I’m a complete idiot tell me because I need the raw truth.